Void Bound
Time to go quietly into the night...
- Dec 18, 2023
- 10
I used to read that poem when things got difficult. Post that well known line when I was at a breaking point. It holds little meaning now for me as what strength or desire for life has left my flailing body and mind. I guess this is more a venting, a last flailing of my existence in a very cruel world, a last sliver that maybe a miracle can happen...but who am I kidding right?
I'm 42 and in poor health that's steadily declining every month. These health issues have left me disfigured and heavily scarred from over 13 surgeries. I don't feel human when I see myself in the mirror and so I just don't look at myself anymore. In 2020 I lost everyone close to me...14 deaths. People who I thought were friends dissappeared or turned out horribly fake and betrayed me. What family and friends I thought I had left dropped communication or always expected me to maintain relationships. I have a supposed boyfriend who's more a parasite and doesn't do anything to help fix the problems that have been ongoing and won't move out. My communities I thought i was important in turned out I am very easily forgotten.
Turns out I was always easily forgotten. Worthless to where people couldn't bother themselves for a 2 second response or a message. I spent so much money chasing things to be able to be a part of something. Games that no one wanted to play with me, art no one wanted to commisionsn or see, writings and podcasts no one wanted to be a part of, trips and dinners no one wanted to join me with. Alone I now sit, staring into the darkness, thinking how awful a person I must be.
I feel no joy now in anything I used to do. I cry a bit but it's not for what I have to do, but what I wish could have been. I cry for a world that will never be. All out there I see is the dumpster fire of society, the utter hatred and suffering that is the norm now.
I have options, I have saved up certain prescriptions and am starting VSED in the morning. My body should give out by next week. Will be clean and I've already handled all final arrangements for my body. Really the only thing that kept me doing this sooner is the real fear of being reincarnated back into this fuck all world. I may keep an update about the vsed process. Dunno.
I'm 42 and in poor health that's steadily declining every month. These health issues have left me disfigured and heavily scarred from over 13 surgeries. I don't feel human when I see myself in the mirror and so I just don't look at myself anymore. In 2020 I lost everyone close to me...14 deaths. People who I thought were friends dissappeared or turned out horribly fake and betrayed me. What family and friends I thought I had left dropped communication or always expected me to maintain relationships. I have a supposed boyfriend who's more a parasite and doesn't do anything to help fix the problems that have been ongoing and won't move out. My communities I thought i was important in turned out I am very easily forgotten.
Turns out I was always easily forgotten. Worthless to where people couldn't bother themselves for a 2 second response or a message. I spent so much money chasing things to be able to be a part of something. Games that no one wanted to play with me, art no one wanted to commisionsn or see, writings and podcasts no one wanted to be a part of, trips and dinners no one wanted to join me with. Alone I now sit, staring into the darkness, thinking how awful a person I must be.
I feel no joy now in anything I used to do. I cry a bit but it's not for what I have to do, but what I wish could have been. I cry for a world that will never be. All out there I see is the dumpster fire of society, the utter hatred and suffering that is the norm now.
I have options, I have saved up certain prescriptions and am starting VSED in the morning. My body should give out by next week. Will be clean and I've already handled all final arrangements for my body. Really the only thing that kept me doing this sooner is the real fear of being reincarnated back into this fuck all world. I may keep an update about the vsed process. Dunno.
i wish i could offer smthg more substantial than cliche sentiments, but i really am sorry. i can relate to being scared reincarnation's real. there are way too many lives i wouldn't wanna live than lives i would. i also know what it's like for things to keep devolving, despite trying everything u can to make a decent/good life for yourself.
