Hello everybody.
First off, thank you so much for this forum, it seems to be the only place I could find where anything related to suicide doesn't end up in different variations of "find joy in life" or "there is reason to go on" etc.
I was lurking here for a while now, but registered only yesterday because my mental state is falling apart and I just need to safely share some information. My story isn't so cruel as many others here. I was thinking about committing suicide and made several attempts after school at age 16 or 17 because of social issues and problems with self-esteem, but never had enough courage to accomplish that. Now I am 34 and I realize nothing has changed in the past 17 years. I had a period in my life when all problems seemingly were gone. I got out of awful school where I was bullied by both teachers and kids, graduated, had some friends, got a job. The problem is, during extreme period when I was bullied, had no friends etc., something happened to my brain. It's like part of my mind separated and started living in parallel. I won't go into details. But sadly, I never had courage to end my life, and I barely have it right now.
Now the most important thing I learned in life - don't ever let anyone to decide what's good for you. I was never able to make conclusions myself and relied on opinions and support of others. That has lead to various mistakes I made in my life which possibly contributed to a situation I am currently in. I was repressing my sexuality for various reasons, mainly because it's not accepted in society and country I live in (Russia), and because I had risky behaviour in that field which led to some problems. I tried to find escape in religion (again, because some other person advised me to), that worked for maybe 4 or 5 years. I started to think that I am "normal", tried to have "normal" life. Then reality started to catch on me. You can't escape yourself and pretend you're someone else. Now I am in a genuine deadlock. The worst thing is that I made some other people rely on me but also, I am relying on them. I can't throw away my fake life because I already tried and went through hell. But neither can I continue living it.
There is a saying here in Russia - "you are thinking too much, you must have a wife". It won't help. Getting a partner only made it worse. If I was alone now, at least I wouldn't think of what would happen with other person. Getting a nice job didn't fix it - I had a nice job but left it with burned-out brain. Visiting psychotherapists/psychiatrists haven't fixed it - I was visiting 3 or 4 of them, was taking antidepressants for a while, but it gave me nothing except a feeling that something is messing up my brain. Physical activity didn't fix it - I was jogging, swimming, hiking, mountaneering, and although I really like nature and being in it, it didn't help either. Only thing that I wish would have happened to me though is just to dissolve into something unhuman. I really envy wild animals because they seemingly don't go crazy and they don't have advanced civilization and social problems. I don't know why karma conceptions generally say that if you become animal in next life, it's the bad thing.
So now I am aware my problems were never gone since I was 16. Only that when you're 16, you still have something to look forward to. New friends, new opportunities in life, new ways to live a life. When you're close to your 40s, things are a bit different. I realize that the way I wanted to live could only have happened inside my mind. It's not possible in reality we live in. But I don't complain. I have seen beautiful things in the world, I met nice people who were kind. I hope I did at least something good for someone in my life. I just wish I could change some things inside me and outside in the world. Unfortunately, it won't work with just me changing. I tried several times. The only thing I hope now is I will find someone or something that will encourage me to finish the job and end my life. It seems that trying to do it on my own is just making me insane.
First off, thank you so much for this forum, it seems to be the only place I could find where anything related to suicide doesn't end up in different variations of "find joy in life" or "there is reason to go on" etc.
I was lurking here for a while now, but registered only yesterday because my mental state is falling apart and I just need to safely share some information. My story isn't so cruel as many others here. I was thinking about committing suicide and made several attempts after school at age 16 or 17 because of social issues and problems with self-esteem, but never had enough courage to accomplish that. Now I am 34 and I realize nothing has changed in the past 17 years. I had a period in my life when all problems seemingly were gone. I got out of awful school where I was bullied by both teachers and kids, graduated, had some friends, got a job. The problem is, during extreme period when I was bullied, had no friends etc., something happened to my brain. It's like part of my mind separated and started living in parallel. I won't go into details. But sadly, I never had courage to end my life, and I barely have it right now.
Now the most important thing I learned in life - don't ever let anyone to decide what's good for you. I was never able to make conclusions myself and relied on opinions and support of others. That has lead to various mistakes I made in my life which possibly contributed to a situation I am currently in. I was repressing my sexuality for various reasons, mainly because it's not accepted in society and country I live in (Russia), and because I had risky behaviour in that field which led to some problems. I tried to find escape in religion (again, because some other person advised me to), that worked for maybe 4 or 5 years. I started to think that I am "normal", tried to have "normal" life. Then reality started to catch on me. You can't escape yourself and pretend you're someone else. Now I am in a genuine deadlock. The worst thing is that I made some other people rely on me but also, I am relying on them. I can't throw away my fake life because I already tried and went through hell. But neither can I continue living it.
There is a saying here in Russia - "you are thinking too much, you must have a wife". It won't help. Getting a partner only made it worse. If I was alone now, at least I wouldn't think of what would happen with other person. Getting a nice job didn't fix it - I had a nice job but left it with burned-out brain. Visiting psychotherapists/psychiatrists haven't fixed it - I was visiting 3 or 4 of them, was taking antidepressants for a while, but it gave me nothing except a feeling that something is messing up my brain. Physical activity didn't fix it - I was jogging, swimming, hiking, mountaneering, and although I really like nature and being in it, it didn't help either. Only thing that I wish would have happened to me though is just to dissolve into something unhuman. I really envy wild animals because they seemingly don't go crazy and they don't have advanced civilization and social problems. I don't know why karma conceptions generally say that if you become animal in next life, it's the bad thing.
So now I am aware my problems were never gone since I was 16. Only that when you're 16, you still have something to look forward to. New friends, new opportunities in life, new ways to live a life. When you're close to your 40s, things are a bit different. I realize that the way I wanted to live could only have happened inside my mind. It's not possible in reality we live in. But I don't complain. I have seen beautiful things in the world, I met nice people who were kind. I hope I did at least something good for someone in my life. I just wish I could change some things inside me and outside in the world. Unfortunately, it won't work with just me changing. I tried several times. The only thing I hope now is I will find someone or something that will encourage me to finish the job and end my life. It seems that trying to do it on my own is just making me insane.
