Venting Doesn't stop

[CommitSudoku]

So it's been a very long day and I no longer feel close enough to anyone to speak one on one so, I'll post it to the general internet. Sorry about that, general internet audience. Though the community on here is amazing. Don't mind if this jumps everywhere, my head hurts so much.


I just had a small realization while writing the above, I've been aware my writing style has changed completely for a while now but just a few seconds ago I realized that I'm tending to exclude "I" in how I write. Ex. "So it's been a very long day and no longer feel close enough to anyone" - how I originally wrote it, then realized that reads as awful as I am. Well, not as bad as me but not good. I'm really thinking anymore my brain is giving up on life. Does anyone else feel this way? I make so many more typos, miss them completely when reviewing, my mind seems to consciously not make and store memories especially about people. Back to my awful way of writing, it's dull and flat and boring just like me. I can't ask questions freely, I used to since I was always curious about others and wanted to learn everything. Now I'm just flat, empty. I hate how I've become, nothing worth keeping around. I do the same things till my neck and eyes and hands and wrists and head hurt. I'm always tired but won't let myself sleep. That's mostly because the process of sleep is taxing in and of itself, the overthinking before it hurts so much. As if I'm not overthinking constantly throughout the day. I hate the way I write anymore, it's lifeless just like me and my brain that seems to give up. I can't have meaningful conversations at all, it's all I can manage to try in vain to keep things alive or spew the awful contents of my mind in way too many words on here.

I only seem to be gloomy with the one old friend I'm still in consistent contact with. Old = 4ish years. I hate myself since sometimes I don't even want to talk to him since as much as he's said I can say anything, he's shown I can't and I know as well how taxing I must be when I'm my true self. I had another realization yesterday, I think I don't register time consistently it all fades together. I realized when I tried hard to make friends and talk and find meaning that only negative traits seem to have persisted from my efforts. Everyone said I could be my true self, and I am now, utterly and depressingly so. I can no longer force myself to fake being someone I'm not truly to friends, which is wrong as well, they don't deserve this presence. Though again, don't really have friends at this point. Anyways I'm my true self like I was encouraged to be but that and my other traits chased away everyone or otherwise ended contact. Everyone said I could ramble and they liked it as well and it was proved again and again that that wasn't really accepted, it was just a bother. Yet here I am, all I can do is ramble and write too much. It kills me inside writing way too much. I shouldn't post this, but I will since I don't know why. More depressed today so I don't care. Most everyone left, and what was left to me are just the bad traits that chased them away and now trust issues. I expect everyone to leave. But part of that is from myself too since I'm planning to leave as well.

So today I visited family and it gave me a new perspective, but not in a good way, and it made me hate myself more. I think I mentioned before, honestly don't care to remember if I did for sure, but my uncle is doing very poorly. Today we got there and he immediately fell asleep since he was on such a high dosage of morphine. To be rid of constant pain he's traded his identity effectively, he's at a point where he rarely has a day where he is who he was. I hate myself that even for a second I'm jealous that he's dying. I wish so much I could have donated all my organs to him, they're useless to me yet they work too well for my intents. I can't, so I can just wish I could trade places while I can't. But at the same time it's terrifying to think of losing who I am before I die. Which gave me a new appreciation of just how scary living and eventually aging are. And it's so incredibly sad to see someone who deserves to live so much more than me, and will be missed so much more than me, deteriorating. I can't do anything and I can't even want to live. It would have been so much better for me to have died in high school, if I die now it will just hurt my dad more since he's going to lose his brother. While talking to my other family that was over, they brought up their experiences with how other family members had died. These people were so much better than me and found a reason to live yet they're gone. And despite them being good people they have painful deaths. Seeing my uncle's wife was something as well, she's operating on barely any sleep to constantly keep watch of my uncle, taking care of the one she loves as he gets worse and worse. She found happiness and now it's being taken away from her in the most painful way possible. She has it so much worse but she's still doing so much more than me, who doesn't want to live. I hate myself so much. I wish so much I had been successful before. I wish I wasn't still here now. I haven't done anything of worth in my life, I've only been a waste.

On the way back home I kept seeing small things that reminded me of my childhood, my grandparents used to live there and I always enjoyed visiting them. It was like looking at something and knowing I'll never grasp it. Never grasp that happiness again from when I was a child, never even grasp the things that bring me nostalgia. They'll pass by and I can't reach them. This was probably the last time I'll see my uncle and that city even. I don't really foresee myself living too much longer even if so often I end up too exhausted to do much or else have circumstances prevent me. I'm so very exhausted, yet can't let myself sleep yet. Perhaps I'll try to early since I can't bring myself to do much around family. I could in the past but now I'm so utterly tired and can barely manage anything, and I don't want to hurt my family more by discovering me here. I wish so much I wouldn't wake up tomorrow since tomorrow will lead back to Monday, and it's so hard to start this all again when I never wanted or intended to make it this long.

I'm really sorry to everyone, sorry for existing. Sorry for writing so much, if you read this far thank you. I appreciate every time anyone gives me more time than I deserve, I don't deserve anything. Everyone's time is more precious than mine, and I appreciate any spent on me, thank you.

 

[waitingforrest]

Everything must be hard for you right now, seeing a family member decline in health is emotionally draining. I have that wish sometimes too, the wish to just give my life to someone who wants to live.

I feel like I am wasting it when so many others desire to just wake up everyday. When you brought up the other family member's experienced with loss, makes me think about how horribly I cope with loss, my only coping mechanism being ctb.

I feel like the just be yourself statement can really go both ways. Being yourself is freeing, but can come at the cost of losing friends. Sometimes it feels more like be yourself but only in the socially acceptable way. Having no true friends is like no one understanding the real you, they know only just the fake facade.

I think about how when I was a child and had such big dreams. I wonder where it all went wrong. Just like you described, that happiness out of reach.

I hope your sleeping situation gets a bit better. Sleeping is one of the hardest things for me to do, even though sleeping is kind of doing nothing. Often I am too tired to stay awake, too awake to sleep.

It's okay to not have your writing structured, I still can see how much you are hurting. A few typos here and there doesn't change that.

 

[Graytaichi]

@CommitSudoku perhaps u want to try some benzos for one time. It helps in sleep disorder and thinking too much

 

[CommitSudoku]

I never even had big dreams when I was a child, quite honestly I never wanted to do much of anything. But I had a few moments of happiness which have since been somewhat corroded. It's so exhausting. In the neighborhood where my grandparents lived there was a concrete ditch for water to drain to and flow away, and a chainlink fence up above it. We didn't even go by their house, but seeing that ditch area and the metal fence above it just reminded me of them and how my grandfather did so much for us to have fun and my grandmother would always call me by a nickname and when she died she seemed to think we all hated her, but I just was never socially-able enough to speak up or say otherwise. I couldn't even visit as much as I wanted.

Thank you for what you wrote @waitingforrest I appreciate it. You put things really well, I liked what you wrote about being yourself.

I feel like the just be yourself statement can really go both ways. Being yourself is freeing, but can come at the cost of losing friends. Sometimes it feels more like be yourself but only in the socially acceptable way. Having no true friends is like no one understanding the real you, they know only just the fake facade.

Everything you said here rings so true.

I hope your sleeping situation gets a bit better. Sleeping is one of the hardest things for me to do, even though sleeping is kind of doing nothing. Often I am too tired to stay awake, too awake to sleep.

I hope your sleeping situation improves as well.

@CommitSudoku perhaps u want to try some benzos for one time. It helps in sleep disorder and thinking too much

I've seen it mentioned on this forum, I assume it would need a prescription, which I'm not so good about being able to get. Thank you for the suggestion. If I got it I'd honestly OD which I'm not sure I want since I know that wouldn't be enough.

 

[SuicidalRN]

I have to say that I enjoy the way you write and share your thoughts on the internet. You write in a story-telling way. Similar to my favorite musical artist, Taylor Swift. I don't believe it is rambling. You even mention that you look back on what you write and realize it sounds bogged down or grammatically incorrect. You are a writer, whether you want to believe it or not :) Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Rambling or not. I have found interest in it and now I am being distracted from my own horrifying PTSD talking to some random internet stranger about their trauma. We are a community here to listen to each other, and try our best to help even if we can't physically be with one another.

Besides that, I completely understand what you are saying about typos and your mind not being able to form new memories. I truly believe that trauma, stress, anxiety, depression, etc (chronic or acute) can cause short-term memory problems. I can't even remember to eat some days.

Having a family member who is chronically ill is extremely draining on the entire family. As an RN, I have seen first-hand chronic illness destroy families in a very similar way. It is so sad and all we can do is be there for the family during this terribly difficult time. I wouldn't wish watching their family member deteriorate into someone they don't know onto anyone. I am so sorry you are going through this.
I also understand the feeling that you deserve to die and all these other good people who died did not. It is so hard to see why our own selves deserve to live. Especially when "stuck in the middle of the forest" as my therapist said (sorry if that is cheesy). She says that when you are stuck in there you cannot see how far from the beginning or end you are, which can be so so painfully discouraging. It sounds like you have been stuck in the forest for a long time. And it is easier said than done to keep walking through the forest despite not knowing when it will end. I am not sure if I am one to give advice, as I am considering staying lost in the forest myself as my PTSD has become too much to handle on a daily basis. I can't convince you that you don't deserve to die, I wish I could. But, I can tell you that your life is worth it and people love and depend on you (like your father it sounds like). I just like I wish I could believe that for myself also. Like I said, easier said than done.

Please don't apologize for existing and typing. If it weren't for you and your post, I would probably be curled up in a ball right now sobbing about my thought loops or the image of my dead boyfriend that won't go away. The time you spent writing that post gave me something to do with my time because I am terrified to sleep. Anyways, thank you for rambling so I could ramble too :)

 

[CommitSudoku]

I have to say that I enjoy the way you write and share your thoughts on the internet. You write in a story-telling way. Similar to my favorite musical artist, Taylor Swift. I don't believe it is rambling. You even mention that you look back on what you write and realize it sounds bogged down or grammatically incorrect. You are a writer, whether you want to believe it or not :)

Thank you. I did actually enjoy writing a lot when in high school, wrote a ton of depressing poems and stories, and read all the time. So it still feels like such a decay of who I was. At this point a lot of it is just recognition - recognition that who I am and even my very manner of expressing myself has changed. And mostly I hate how I lost my ability to ask questions and inquire about others. It used to be my favorite thing and now I'm to a point where it's a struggle to ask any question. Thank you though, I'm glad if my writing isn't taken too badly. It still feels incredibly lifeless and insincere to me. I couldn't compare to Taylor Swift, I've listened to enough of her songs to know how incredibly talented she is which I am not.

Besides that, I completely understand what you are saying about typos and your mind not being able to form new memories. I truly believe that trauma, stress, anxiety, depression, etc (chronic or acute) can cause short-term memory problems. I can't even remember to eat some days.

I'm glad I'm not alone in this, it adds to the constant fear feeling like I'm deterioating myself. I hate that I forget so many details about the people I meet when I used to remember so much more, put in an effort they deserved. I apologize for using "hate" so much and being generally dismal. I have opened some can of worms and now cannot stop writing too much. Writing here and interacting with the people is the best use of time until I do try to sleep.

Having a family member who is chronically ill is extremely draining on the entire family. As an RN, I have seen first-hand chronic illness destroy families in a very similar way. It is so sad and all we can do is be there for the family during this terribly difficult time. I wouldn't wish watching their family member deteriorate into someone they don't know onto anyone. I am so sorry you are going through this.
I also understand the feeling that you deserve to die and all these other good people who died did not. It is so hard to see why our own selves deserve to live. Especially when "stuck in the middle of the forest" as my therapist said (sorry if that is cheesy). She says that when you are stuck in there you cannot see how far from the beginning or end you are, which can be so so painfully discouraging. It sounds like you have been stuck in the forest for a long time. And it is easier said than done to keep walking through the forest despite not knowing when it will end. I am not sure if I am one to give advice, as I am considering staying lost in the forest myself as my PTSD has become too much to handle on a daily basis. I can't convince you that you don't deserve to die, I wish I could. But, I can tell you that your life is worth it and people love and depend on you (like your father it sounds like). I just like I wish I could believe that for myself also. Like I said, easier said than done.

Please don't apologize for existing and typing. If it weren't for you and your post, I would probably be curled up in a ball right now sobbing about my thought loops or the image of my dead boyfriend that won't go away. The time you spent writing that post gave me something to do with my time because I am terrified to sleep. Anyways, thank you for rambling so I could ramble too :)

I like that "stuck in the middle of the forest" metaphor. It's all been borrowed time for me since high school, that's what it feels like. I have no idea what to do with my time so often since I just never planned to get this far. I never planned to start college, did that, never planned to finish it, somehow that happened. I'm so very lost. And then our family is falling apart. I wish my eventual death wouldn't hurt anyone, I don't see myself living very long, it's a week at a time right now, I don't plan farther than that. I don't want to make things worse for anyone but my existence invariably will. It hurts but I'll be doing worse. I'm glad the time you spent reading this was helpful in a way, I'm certainly capable of writing even more for better or worse. Though my head is getting foggy now.

Thank you again to everyone who posted, it means a lot to me, and thank you for reading at all. I'll stop for now.

 

[FractalTears]

Did read the first two blocks so far and Its as if i wrote this, i totally relate to this.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are suffering. This life can certainly be exhausting. I know that it can be hard to carry on when you are tired of everything. I am always tired as well, all I want is to just peacefully pass away. I wish you the best in whatever happens.