Help Does this count as an impulsive attempt (not attempting right now)?

[RosebyAnyName]

My original plan was to CTB at the end of the year, but then my luck turned up and I was able to score real estate. My closing date is within the next two months, so I moved my date to March, under the pretense that I could at least move out first and then decide if I should still die or if living might be worth it.

Then I realized that moving out won't make me feel as much better as I'd hoped. I'm barely functional now, how can I manage a house alone? I don't have the energy to housekeep, I'm falling behind at my job (again), and nothing makes me happy. My main reason for wanting to move out was to get away from my parents. However, I'll end up living so close to them, and they've already expressed their interest in continuing to dominate my life, that I don't think moving out will actually help at all.

So, I was planning on moving my date up to this weekend. I just don't see a future worth living, all I see is all the things that made me suicidal in the first place still being there. I don't think I can go through with the closing process on my house, and if I do then it won't be worth the wait.

In short: if I move my date from March to this weekend, is that considered an "impulsive" attempt? I want to make sure I'm of sound mind before attempting and I'm not sure if I'm jumping the gun or if my logic is sound. I honestly feel like I'm at my breaking point and "just wait and see" isn't working anymore.

 

[sanctionedusage]

moving out of your parents' house is arguably a bigger change than someone literally moving overseas. you're going from a dependent in every sense of the word to an actual self sustaining adult. its a change in your state as a person rather than just changing locations/cultures.

physical distance can be the catalyst to mentally/emotionally distancing yourself as well. it's different when they pay for everything you use and see from your first waking moment to the last blink, subconsciously or not. there's no guarantee they'll still dictate your life or hold any power over you when you become newly responsible for absolutely everything you do, use, and own. living in a shithole you created is a lot more motivating to fix it and maintain it than one you didn't even earn (your childhood bedroom) and that would likely at least be semi maintained by said parents if it got too far.

obviously idk anything about you or how incompetent you'd actually be. but you have a job and you've successfully begun the process of moving out, so i really don't think you're actually that far gone.

i don't think anyone should be ctb'ing because they feel like they 'have to' because of their circumstances; it just sounds like a recipe for last minute, agonizing regret. there's a huge difference between 'i have to die to escape __' and 'i want to die.' if there's anything (Especially multiple things) that could feasibly happen that would turn your opinion around in an instant, ctb'ing sounds like a sloppy decision.

 

[monetpompo]

obviously idk anything about you or how incompetent you'd actually be. but you have a job and you've successfully begun the process of moving out, so i really don't think you're actually that far gone.

i don't think anyone should be ctb'ing because they feel like they 'have to' because of their circumstances; it just sounds like a recipe for last minute, agonizing regret. there's a huge difference between 'i have to die to escape __' and 'i want to die.' if there's anything (Especially multiple things) that could feasibly happen that would turn your opinion around in an instant, ctb'ing sounds like a sloppy decision.

saur true @sanctionedusage. as someone who's never had a job, license, or opportunity to live on their own in any way, holding up a job shows you're still self-sufficient enough to own your own place despite the work that goes into it. living with my parents and having no autonomy can feel incredibly crippling mentally. it's fine to keep on waiting and take the chance to improve rather than ctb pre-emptively.

 

[yeaimhere13]

ngl i think you should wait until you move into your own place. you never know how much better things could get.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think whether something is considered impulsive probably varies person to person. I think the choice to suicide can sometimes be very intensely thought out but the attempt itself might be impulsive. It sounds like you are thinking everything through carefully so- in those terms, it doesn't sound like you're being impulsive. There again- as others have suggested- you are basing your decision on guessing your new future won't be all together successful or worth it- when you don't actually know at the moment.

Could it be that it's so (understandably) daunting- that CTB feels like the more comforting option in a way?

Ultimately, you might be right. The change may not be enough or, it may create new problems but- maybe that's catastrophizing it. (Which I tend to do too.) Those things may indeed happen but, you may have renewed motivation to work with the new situation better.

My life improved significantly- at least initially, when I left home. Even though it wasn't all plain sailing. Sometimes it's worth it to just try and see if the change changes us.

 

[doneforlife]

I think whether something is considered impulsive probably varies person to person. I think the choice to suicide can sometimes be very intensely thought out but the attempt itself might be impulsive. It sounds like you are thinking everything through carefully so- in those terms, it doesn't sound like you're being impulsive. There again- as others have suggested- you are basing your decision on guessing your new future won't be all together successful or worth it- when you don't actually know at the moment.

Could it be that it's so (understandably) daunting- that CTB feels like the more comforting option in a way?

Ultimately, you might be right. The change may not be enough or, it may create new problems but- maybe that's catastrophizing it. (Which I tend to do too.) Those things may indeed happen but, you may have renewed motivation to work with the new situation better.

My life improved significantly- at least initially, when I left home. Even though it wasn't all plain sailing. Sometimes it's worth it to just try and see if the change changes us.

In what way did your life improve after leaving home ? I thought living with parents is a good thing...this is often the case in this part of the world.

 

[Forever Sleep]

In what way did your life improve after leaving home ? I thought living with parents is a good thing...this is often the case in this part of the world.

I got away from a (suspected) narcissist who caused my ideation to begin with. That was the biggest change. I finally felt free and safe. Of course- there were new fears and problems with uni but they were managable compared to before.

Uni gave me a new focus and I was lucky to meet someone who became my best friend for a long while. So- every change we make creates opportunities for things to improve. They can of course get worse too. It's partly luck I suppose. But, we don't know unless we try.

 

[doneforlife]

I got away from a (suspected) narcissist who caused my ideation to begin with. That was the biggest change. I finally felt free and safe. Of course- there were new fears and problems with uni but they were managable compared to before.

Uni gave me a new focus and I was lucky to meet someone who became my best friend for a long while. So- every change we make creates opportunities for things to improve. They can of course get worse too. It's partly luck I suppose. But, we don't know unless we try.

True. There are people who are severely anxious to undergo any kind of change . They are averse to anything new. Neophobia is the term. Their whole life passes by without any opportunities for things to improve. And if they are trapped in bad company, God help them!

 

[Forever Sleep]

True. There are people who are severely anxious to undergo any kind of change . They are averse to anything new. Neophobia is the term. Their whole life passes by without any opportunities for things to improve. And if they are trapped in bad company, God help them!

I think a lot of people fear change. It's the unknown after all. I know very few people who relish it. Even the more confident people can look very out of their comfort zone at times.

Probably the things we fear influence our experience. So- being socially anxious with work colleagues, anything like that would frighten me but then- I've moved 100's of miles to new places for new jobs. The moving bit, I took more in my stride.

It's sad but true, we can end up suffering either way ultimately. But I suppose one fear tends to prevail over the other. That's assuming we can do these things practically too. If they are a big financial risk, there may be multiple things holding us back.

I suppose for me- in a way, uni presented an approved way to run away from home though.

 

[doneforlife]

I think a lot of people fear change. It's the unknown after all. I know very few people who relish it. Even the more confident people can look very out of their comfort zone at times.

Probably the things we fear influence our experience. So- being socially anxious with work colleagues, anything like that would frighten me but then- I've moved 100's of miles to new places for new jobs. The moving bit, I took more in my stride.

It's sad but true, we can end up suffering either way ultimately. But I suppose one fear tends to prevail over the other. That's assuming we can do these things practically too. If they are a big financial risk, there may be multiple things holding us back.

I suppose for me- in a way, uni presented an approved way to run away from home though.

Interesting. My whole life I had only one aim ...to be at home. I do fear change ..so much so that I don't feel change is worth anything. But that may be cause I had good childhood days. But then life has other plans and I ended up here. Even today if I had to pick between change and death , I would pick the later .

 

[RosebyAnyName]

The points made about change make sense. However, even though I'm in my late 20s, I feel my capacity for change dropping significantly ever since my mid 20s. Neuroplasticity reduces as you get older, and everything gets more difficult over time.

Moving out to a nice home used to be my one dream that I though would final "fix" my lifelong misery, and I used to have so many plans and things I wanted to learn and do without helicopter parents, for example getting cats and having a garden.

But that was when I was young. Now I can barely read a book and everything is too much work. I wanted to learn to use a DAW (type of audio program) but now my brain literally blanks and freezes after decades of shame from doing anything wrong. Learning is no longer as fun as drugs and alcohol. I don't think I could take care of a cat or a garden either, I barely take care of myself anymore.

 

[Forever Sleep]

The points made about change make sense. However, even though I'm in my late 20s, I feel my capacity for change dropping significantly ever since my mid 20s. Neuroplasticity reduces as you get older, and everything gets more difficult over time.

Moving out to a nice home used to be my one dream that I though would final "fix" my lifelong misery, and I used to have so many plans and things I wanted to learn and do without helicopter parents, for example getting cats and having a garden.

But that was when I was young. Now I can barely read a book and everything is too much work. I wanted to learn to use a DAW (type of audio program) but now my brain literally blanks and freezes after decades of shame from doing anything wrong. Learning is no longer as fun as drugs and alcohol. I don't think I could take care of a cat or a garden either, I barely take care of myself anymore.

I think maybe it's how much you hate what you are trying to get away from. Maybe I just have a low tolerance for situations I dislike. I end up hating them so much that it forces me to escape.

I suppose, because- although suicide was always appealing, I've always felt it couldn't be considered till my Dad goes first. So- I've kind of been strong armed into changing direction in life lots, each time I really hated where I was.

I did my second degree in my late 20's to try and get me back on track. Followed by 2 entire house moves to follow jobs and a few changes of career here and there. None of it's exactly been easy but then, I hated the alternative even more. I worked in retail for 10 years- mostly part time- while trying to get my career off the ground, before having a rethink. And I was so desperately miserable, I suppose it just pushed me to try and change.

I do get what you're saying though. I'm hugely lazy now, which could very well start causing me major problems if I let things go too much. It seems sensible to fully consider where we are likely to struggle. But, even then- you can choose accordingly. Live in a flat say- with no garden to worry about or, communal gardens. I wouldn't attempt to take on a pet, even though I love animals, because it wouldn't be a good environment for them. I suppose we have to kind of cut our cloth accordingly to what we are suited for. I also understand though, that the amount of effort and risk needed are exhausting just to consider.