Today was a particularly gorgeous summer day I avoided successfully. Deep down I yearn to be a part of the hustle and bustle in the city and yet my insecurities and trauma overwhelms me and turns a beautiful day into anxiety and panic until it becomes a very trigger and something I must avoid. If I go out and experience anxiety it'll result in depression. If I don't go out I stay safe, anxiety free, but depressed because now I'm this hermit hikikomori...and thaaaaat creates anxiety because a hikikomori can't exist without an external source providing for them...what if my disability money comes to a screeching halt, which it so often does? What if my parents die? I'd be completely alone and I'd go crazy. I have no education. I have limited work experience, I haven't held a job for longer than a year and a half. Every day I'm getting older. What am I working towards? How will I support myself when the anxiety paralyzes and disables me? From here it looks as if I'll turn maniacal. Homeless. And alone. And I'll just wither away, helplessly, suffering a slow death, a meaningless existence, a cruel, slow death, by the elements.