Discussion Does obsession make it harder?

[SinisterKid]

One thing I read a lot here and on other places around the net is how hard/difficult a lot of people seem to find the actual act of ending ones own life. Very understandable. I have also read about the so called SI [Survival Instinct] of a great many people as well. Not sure I know enough about that to comment, but I did not find it a factor in my own struggles.

My first and very serious attempt, which left me comatose, on life support for a week, was very spontaneous. I woke up with no plan to take my own life but within 30 minutes of being awake I had already taken what I believed to be a potent cocktail which would be sufficient to catch my bus. I have been reliably informed that I was successful and that in a clinical sense, I was dead.

My second attempt was ill thought out and badly executed. It still led to a hospital stay and admittance to a psych ward. Enough said about that.

In discussions with my very good head doc [the 1st one, not the rest] I was told it was ok to be suicidal, it was ok to think the way I did as a result of circumstances etc etc. But I do now wonder sometimes if obsessing about suicide actually makes the deed a lot harder than it already is. The last few months have been tough with constant bombardments from ideations of one sort or another. I am used to that in many respects, so its nothing new. I am now privy to new methods that appear to be pretty failsafe [if there is such a thing] and have found that its becoming more than ideation, it is becoming a obsession. Are they one and the same? I don't know, I am no psych.

So do I have a point, or am I just pissing into the wind?

 

[BipolarExpat]

You have a strong point, imo.

I believe that obsessive thoughts will not only cause indecisiveness but will also inherently increase SI.

 

[Onomotopoeia]

I think maybe ironically that access to a site like this actually makes you less likely to ctb. It's just an opinion of course and I may be wrong

For me though the fear is always that I will fail and wind up worse in some way be it financial due to an unwanted hospital stay or some physical harm from my attempt.

While I did learn about some other methods here (SN Really)

It also cemented my belief that there are no sure methods. There is a lot of information about failed attempts and the only sure fire thing seems to be N assuming you can get it, and even then i believe that requires anti emetic meds which again you cannot just buy and i have even seen failed attempts with SN here.

All this did for me is enhance my fear of failure making me less likely to CTB until/unless I get N and anti emetics.

I suspect I cannot be unique thus my theory that others feel similar.

TLDR Version: yes, the more you obsess about how to do it, the more you think about it, the more likely you are to linger. Bonus if you have OCD like me -it gets way worse

 

[justwannadie]

It does make it harder, I think, it's so strange. When my decision is impulsive, sudden, it's a lot easier. When I've been obsessing about it, constantly researching, it's harder. And my SI is a lot stronger. I thought it was just me. I think I need to take a break from the constant researching in the weeks before I CTB. This is the reason I can't set a date. I'll get nervous and tense in the days leading up to it, imagining all of the things that could go wrong. I also have OCD so I think that makes it much worse. Obsession makes it a lot harder for me. At the same time, suicidal ideation is the only thing that gets me through the day. But the researching and planning makes it harder for me to act for some reason.

 

[planmd]

Yes, totally in agreement with all of you. It is like other aspects of life I suppose. It is good to have knowledge, but sometimes people who know less are more practical, right?

And as for you, knowing that I can kill myself is what is holding me each day right now, so it has become the most important thing I need to do now, and ironically that obsessive idea is preventing me from acting. I am very, very grateful for having found this site, really grateful; it is true, however, that maybe I would have already ctb if not. Who knows.

 

[kalius837]

my fix: do not obsess. stop wanting one-moment death
is drinking 2 glasses of wine a day hard? is taking diclofenac difficult? would smoking some cigarettes be "i cannot find my method"?
i am suicidal, but i am taking my time. meanwhile my life is (happy) sustainable, i enjoy shortening lifetime
i am also taking plastic with Bisphenol A (or BPA) when i use microwave. i took clarithromycin to increase chance of sudden death
i also take different drugs (at pharmacy) to mix up and (try to) ignore the consequences
now, is obsession enough?

 

[deadpixels]

I'm not sure if it's the obsession or the previous failed attempts that make it harder. Maybe both.

 

[Painless_end]

Sometimes for me, the obsession comes out of wanting to escape my daily life.

 

[BPD Barbie]

For me, obsessing or over thinking something makes it harder to undertake. Like making a phone call to the doctor for example, I stress and stress and stress over it, think about it for hours on end and make the whole event bigger and harder than it needs to be.