Does anyone miss their suicidal thoughts?

[Leiot]

I've noticed that I have suicidal thoughts so often that they seem part of me. So when I move into a better place mentally it's like something's missing. You all ever run into that?

 

[LXR515]

I somewhat relate. I think there's a sense of ironic comfort in those suicidal feelings, like if I know I'm gonna die soon then life seems way less scary. But when I want to live I know I need to manage my life and take it seriously

 

[Regen]

Yes, I understand that. I have experienced suicidal times since I was about 14 years old and it is, in a way, part of my identity.

About a year and a half ago I changed my strategy. I capitulated to the topic. I said that I am powerless against the suicidal thoughts, no matter what I try to fight them, they always come back. I gave up fighting them, I said I didn't know what to do anymore. I've tried killing myself in the past, I've tried all sorts of therapies and things to make it better. But nothing worked out right. I give up. I give up my need for control. And I'll hand it over to a higher authority - whatever (in my case not to a religious god).

After a while, when I saw a moving train, I suddenly had an idea. I gave my suicidal thoughts a face, they became an imaginary friend. I said to my friend: You've been my friend for so long, it's okay that you're here, you can sit here next to me whenever you want, I won't send you away. But I already know all of your ideas about depression in all their variations, this year I'm going to listen to other people's ideas on how to deal with depression. But you remain my friend, I just won't implement your ideas for now because I already know them. From that day on, my friend came to see me less often. But when he comes, I say, oh hello, there you are, why did you come now? My friend has been with me for so many decades, he won't leave anymore, but I don't follow everything he suggests anymore.

 

[passer-by]

Yes, I understand that. I have experienced suicidal times since I was about 14 years old and it is, in a way, part of my identity.

About a year and a half ago I changed my strategy. I capitulated to the topic. I said that I am powerless against the suicidal thoughts, no matter what I try to fight them, they always come back. I gave up fighting them, I said I didn't know what to do anymore. I've tried killing myself in the past, I've tried all sorts of therapies and things to make it better. But nothing worked out right. I give up. I give up my need for control. And I'll hand it over to a higher authority - whatever (in my case not to a religious god).

After a while, when I saw a moving train, I suddenly had an idea. I gave my suicidal thoughts a face, they became an imaginary friend. I said to my friend: You've been my friend for so long, it's okay that you're here, you can sit here next to me whenever you want, I won't send you away. But I already know all of your ideas about depression in all their variations, this year I'm going to listen to other people's ideas on how to deal with depression. But you remain my friend, I just won't implement your ideas for now because I already know them. From that day on, my friend came to see me less often. But when he comes, I say, oh hello, there you are, why did you come now? My friend has been with me for so many decades, he won't leave anymore, but I don't follow everything he suggests anymore.

That's genuinely an interesting strategy. Sounds almost poetic I might try to implement it, I was always good at creating new characters in my head. Thank you for sharing, I'm glad if it's working out for you as well xox

 

[Iris Blue]

That was me for a little, a while back I had a couple on/off feelings about wanting to die. To be honest, I'm not sure what happened because most of my life the past 10 years or so it was always there but then I was numb. It definitely felt weird like what I felt like defined me was no longer there. I don't think it's weird at all, if you are getting better and that's what you are wanting I wish you the best of luck and I hope no longer feeling the want to die will no longer be your norm and you'll find a new comfort in being alive.

 

[LunarLight]

No, not at all. I don't miss suffering.

 

[Leiot]

Yes, I understand that. I have experienced suicidal times since I was about 14 years old and it is, in a way, part of my identity.

About a year and a half ago I changed my strategy. I capitulated to the topic. I said that I am powerless against the suicidal thoughts, no matter what I try to fight them, they always come back. I gave up fighting them, I said I didn't know what to do anymore. I've tried killing myself in the past, I've tried all sorts of therapies and things to make it better. But nothing worked out right. I give up. I give up my need for control. And I'll hand it over to a higher authority - whatever (in my case not to a religious god).

After a while, when I saw a moving train, I suddenly had an idea. I gave my suicidal thoughts a face, they became an imaginary friend. I said to my friend: You've been my friend for so long, it's okay that you're here, you can sit here next to me whenever you want, I won't send you away. But I already know all of your ideas about depression in all their variations, this year I'm going to listen to other people's ideas on how to deal with depression. But you remain my friend, I just won't implement your ideas for now because I already know them. From that day on, my friend came to see me less often. But when he comes, I say, oh hello, there you are, why did you come now? My friend has been with me for so many decades, he won't leave anymore, but I don't follow everything he suggests anymore.

I came across kinda the same thing in my A.C.T. group where they went over separating thoughts & feelings. Sounds like you came up with a good way to do it. Thanks!

 

[-nobodyknows-]

No. They feel like a very deep rooted infection, but I try really hard to think that they aren't a part of who I am. I really hope they are not

 

[Mirrory Me]

Hm. I think it's that mental image of that energy, it feels like a companion to you. I sometimes have good, loving feelings, but then they seem to pass away (it's like holding an image that you are with someone close to you).

 

[Regen]

I came across kinda the same thing in my A.C.T. group where they went over separating thoughts & feelings. Sounds like you came up with a good way to do it. Thanks!

I don't know exactly what an A.C.T. group is, but it's great if you have a group! I myself only came to this transformation through healing in my group... A good (!) group can help a lot.

I think an effective part of having my imaginary friend is that I don't push away that dark part of me that expresses itself in suicidal ideas, but I listen to it. It may be the small, childlike part of me that is hurt and traumatized and hasn't been seen or heard. So maybe my suicidal friend doesn't just represent suicide but is also the unheard, rejected part of me that finally wants to be seen. And because he was never seen, he had to make himself visible through suicidality and self-harm (which you just see). So it probably has something to do with making your inner child heard.

But this is only what works for me, maybe for you other things are helpful.

Peace for you