Discussion Does anyone here have BPD (or 'quiet BPD') but no social life? what is bpd like when alone ?

[ra1nw3rldd]

I ask this because im not diagnosed, but might have had a few reasons to suspect it in myself (& i think some people i used to talk to suspect that of me now)
However i've had no one to speak to regularily in person since last year (other than my parents), and my life has been very lonely since before then as well.
So there aren't many situations where the usual stereotypical BPD social behavior could even show up.

(In the few social examples i have, i personally might resemble what I've read about 'quiet BPD' more, for example I don't think I've ever really 'split' on my opinion of other people, but might feel bad / sick / paranoid about myself / how im perceived and withdraw)

But I'm not really asking for advice about myself, more to hear others' experiences

& hopefully learn a bit more about what the subjective experience of BPD feels like (epecially if anyone reading this is similarly isolated, since everything i can find online is from much more 'normal' people with social lives who thus have more examples to draw off of the more obvious BPD behaviors)

i was also curious if people have experiences with 'mirrorring' in absence of actual in-person interaction, like maybe if it happens with strangers on social media, celebrities / musicians you like or anything like that

(I'll add a bit more about myself below as well, you can stop here or keep reading if u care)

about BPD 'mirrorring'/ 'the Chameleon effect', what I've read online seems to imply like a total absence of individual identity, like not knowing what you like or dislike outside of what you reflect from other people
however, personally im a huge music nerd with very niche interests (which i might often overshare in an attempt to be likeable
i think i would be unable to 'mirror' most boring normal people who like sports for example
i might also be autistic lol)

and this is a bit blunt to say out loud, (but I don't think this is a very judgemental forum), i was also personally trying to differentiate between gender dysphoria and BPD dissociation / depersonalization / derealization, identity disturbance, self-hate, that kind of thing.
(and possibly mirroring twitter mutuals / or trying to regain social connections with people i used to talk to who are trans, that Seriously isnt my reasoning but it might look that to them since they think i have BPD lol my life fucking sucks)

anyway im asking cause i wanna hear about Other people's experiences, please do share below :

 

[Eternal Eyes]

I wasn't diagnosed with BPD, however, a school therapist I had in my teen years did suspect it, she initially assumed bipolar, but after monitoring my behavior a bit and a few counselling sessions, she said I probably had mild BPD. Her rationale on it been mild was the fact I could mostly control my impulses and was aware that my actions could be very problematic in social settings. I never got a formal diagnosis of it, but since coming here I've seen lots of BPD threads and found a high amount of general symptom overlap. It should also be noted that autism (specifically Asperger's) can be misdiagnosed as BPD, and I am diagnosed autistic.

I'm similar to you in that since leaving school almost 7 years ago I have virtually no social life. All I have are two old friends from over a decade ago, and two new friends I have (thankfully) made here. I do feel extremely lonely and I feel absolutely no one irl understands me. I honestly feel so withdrawn now that further friendships feel impossible, at least where I live and irl.

When i was a kid I had intense friendships, I'd often find myself arguing with people I liked online and offline, and I'd often be irrationally upset by their actions., I'd say I'm sensitive in general I fell in love when I was about 13, and that was awful, I tried very hard to impress that person at the expense of me, it basically ended with them saying I should kill myself....which wasn't fun.

I found whenever I had crushes they were nightmares, I'd get things like maladaptive daydreaming and I wouldn't even eat anything. I've fortunately not experienced that in years, hopefully never again. I'd just have intense romantic yearning that couldn't be quenched. Even now, I daydream sometimes about my last ex.

The last time I had an FP was 2020, it was an LDR with someone i am still friends with. The relationship sadly ended as it got way too intense and deep. I tried so hard to impress them, to make them happy, that I didn't realize I was driving myself insane from it all. I loved them so much they were all I could think about. Even to this day, I feel they're one of few people to actually understand me and love me. The good part is, through mindfullness and talking on both parts, we are now good friends again, and even though we argued sometimes, no bad blood was ever between us :)

I can very much relate to the "chameleon" part. I honestly feel deep down I am no one. I do not have dreams and a personality. I am just a product of what is around me and the people I speak to. I feel like nothing but an empty body, an imposter. Someone who isn't truly real. My main issues in my life atm are loneliness, a lack of local people who understand me, and very low self worth (I detest myself).

I probably do have BPD, but it's not really a problem since I have so few connections now I feel I won't get upset or distressed over them (as I know them so well) and I am beyond introverted irl. I do have my own hobbies and interests however, yet I felt bad I didn't share any interests with my last ex barring gaming, anime and foreign culture.