Venting Does anyone have doubts their trauma ever happened?

[Ultracheese]

I originally wrote a much longer post that went into my life in a lot more depth. Then I realized it would be egotistical to assume anyone is interested in my life story. So I shall stick to the shorter version.

It has recently occurred to me that I did not have a normal childhood. I grew up in a small town in the pacific northwest where lots of people are below the poverty line, often to the point where they aren't able to eat despite working multiple jobs. My father has refused handouts for as long as I've been alive because he says it is my fault we are poor due to him having to quit multiple jobs to take care of my mental health issues. Ever since I was diagnosed with autism when I was 5, my parents thought it was important that I be a "normal child." That meant berating me for my interests and yelling at me whenever I had meltdowns due to sensory overload. Whenever I was recognized in school for my writing ability or my artwork, my mother would insist teachers drill into my head that I was not special and that I wasn't entitled to attention. My parents sent me to a series of therapists who tried to force me to be into "normal" things and to punish me for not following social cues, sometimes with physical force. Eventually, my parents took me to a psychologist who encouraged me to pursue my interests and also introduced me to new ones I love to this day. Unfortunately, he sexually abused me for three years and let other people treat me similarly. Later in life, I found footage of my 10-year-old self on an adult website, and instead of reporting it, I was a coward and clicked out of the tab because I was so frightened and angry. I started cutting around that age to cope. My parents ignored it because they thought I was a spoiled brat who was ungrateful and narcissistic. When faced with sensory overload, I have extreme meltdowns where I injure myself, so I have been in special education classes my whole life despite above-average results on state testing. I've been restrained and locked into closets more times than I can count. I was sexually assaulted by one of my middle school teachers and then got expelled after I tried to fight back because I was "disabled" and was "aggressive" despite the fact that I have never hurt anyone besides myself during my meltdowns. It happened again when my parents sent me to a local pastor after I came out to them as trans. In my life, I can say I have had one friend, an incredibly kind man who was patient with me despite my mental struggles and general whininess. He committed suicide two years ago. I am still not over his death even though everyone insists I should be because I'm "overdramatic." A month after his death, symptoms of fatigue and tiredness I had attributed to depression were discovered to be ME. I find it hard to even get out of bed most days.

I like to believe I had a good childhood. I had a roof over my head. I have been able to maintain consistent access to the internet thank god. I was bullied, sure, but aren't plenty of people? I don't think I have anything to complain about. Oftentimes, I doubt the negative things that have happened in my life ever occurred. I fear that I am making these things up even though I often have nightmares about them. Am I being overdramatic? Does anyone else have experiences where they feel traumatic events haven't happened?

 

[flesh object]

I don't believe you are being over dramatic, trauma affects people differently.

I've had experiences personally. I've been physically, emotionally, and sexually abused, and I've always denied it. I have memories down to every detail of every moment, and it does haunt me, however I chose to lie to myself, to believe that I was okay and it didn't happen. I told myself and other people that I was just a normal person without serious mental problems, I told others that my Father was just on a business trip when in reality he passed away.

Eventually, it got to the point where I was breaking down out of no where and I never understood why, until I realized it was due to the trauma i've experienced in the past, and ever since I confronted it and connected back with reality, and told myself that those things happened to me, I've been just emotionless.

If your trauma in the past is affecting you so significantly, then you are struggling.

Your struggles is not invalid, if they affect you then they are totally real.

Trauma is not a competiton, don't believe they are.

 

[lionetta12]

I originally wrote a much longer post that went into my life in a lot more depth. Then I realized it would be egotistical to assume anyone is interested in my life story. So I shall stick to the shorter version.

It has recently occurred to me that I did not have a normal childhood. I grew up in a small town in the pacific northwest where lots of people are below the poverty line, often to the point where they aren't able to eat despite working multiple jobs. My father has refused handouts for as long as I've been alive because he says it is my fault we are poor due to him having to quit multiple jobs to take care of my mental health issues. Ever since I was diagnosed with autism when I was 5, my parents thought it was important that I be a "normal child." That meant berating me for my interests and yelling at me whenever I had meltdowns due to sensory overload. Whenever I was recognized in school for my writing ability or my artwork, my mother would insist teachers drill into my head that I was not special and that I wasn't entitled to attention. My parents sent me to a series of therapists who tried to force me to be into "normal" things and to punish me for not following social cues, sometimes with physical force. Eventually, my parents took me to a psychologist who encouraged me to pursue my interests and also introduced me to new ones I love to this day. Unfortunately, he sexually abused me for three years and let other people treat me similarly. Later in life, I found footage of my 10-year-old self on an adult website, and instead of reporting it, I was a coward and clicked out of the tab because I was so frightened and angry. I started cutting around that age to cope. My parents ignored it because they thought I was a spoiled brat who was ungrateful and narcissistic. When faced with sensory overload, I have extreme meltdowns where I injure myself, so I have been in special education classes my whole life despite above-average results on state testing. I've been restrained and locked into closets more times than I can count. I was sexually assaulted by one of my middle school teachers and then got expelled after I tried to fight back because I was "disabled" and was "aggressive" despite the fact that I have never hurt anyone besides myself during my meltdowns. It happened again when my parents sent me to a local pastor after I came out to them as trans. In my life, I can say I have had one friend, an incredibly kind man who was patient with me despite my mental struggles and general whininess. He committed suicide two years ago. I am still not over his death even though everyone insists I should be because I'm "overdramatic." A month after his death, symptoms of fatigue and tiredness I had attributed to depression were discovered to be ME. I find it hard to even get out of bed most days.

I like to believe I had a good childhood. I had a roof over my head. I have been able to maintain consistent access to the internet thank god. I was bullied, sure, but aren't plenty of people? I don't think I have anything to complain about. Oftentimes, I doubt the negative things that have happened in my life ever occurred. I fear that I am making these things up even though I often have nightmares about them. Am I being overdramatic? Does anyone else have experiences where they feel traumatic events haven't happened?

I had a couple moments of doubts sometimes as a kid when adults who abused me tried to gaslight me into silence, but I knew deep inside that it really did happen and every therapist and lawyer I spoke to confirmed and believed that it did happen. My memory is painfully good and every time I get into relationships with narcissists or psychopaths they usually try to gaslight me eventually and deny their abuse even though I remember it very detailed and when others explained that they experienced the same abuse from said individuals too, but I keep evidence from fights and physical abuse like photos, videos, voice recording and tests due to that now to just reassure myself that it actually happened and they are in the wrong. I don't ever want to doubt myself or be gaslighted ever again so I find that it helps me to have that reassurance available in the form of hard proof.