Discussion Does anyone feel this way?

[Jynxer]

My last attempt was about 15 years ago ( I'm 37 now). The internet wasn't huge back then, but I searched how much seroquil was lethal. My results said 10000 Mgs. So, I saved. And that night I felt

relieved and calm and I had written my letters as well as a DNR letter ( which was obviously disregarded). Anyways, I was found too soon and ended up being in a coma for 3 days. My dad was told that I might wake up brain dead, if at all. I woke up in intensive care and was shipped off to my regular psych ward.

Almost every day since then I'm angry that I survived, still even now.

I also remember that my closest loved ones were so angry at me, and let me know it after that attempt.( but never the attempts before that. Maybe because that one was the worst).

Is anyone else holding on because of the fear and anger and misunderstanding that your loved ones feel? I just wish they understood the many years of mental suffering I have been through.

I lost both of my parents in 2006 to terminal illnesses ( 8 months apart) and I feel like they were so mad at me for being suicidal all those years but now 13 years later they are at peace and I'm still suffering.....

Wow sorry for rambling, but I'm so grateful for finding this site. I feel like I can speak freely without judgement here, finally.

 

[not_a_robot]

My last attempt was about 15 years ago ( I'm 37 now). The internet wasn't huge back then, but I searched how much seroquil was lethal. My results said 10000 Mgs. So, I saved. And that night I felt

relieved and calm and I had written my letters as well as a DNR letter ( which was obviously disregarded). Anyways, I was found too soon and ended up being in a coma for 3 days. My dad was told that I might wake up brain dead, if at all. I woke up in intensive care and was shipped off to my regular psych ward.

Almost every day since then I'm angry that I survived, still even now.

I also remember that my closest loved ones were so angry at me, and let me know it after that attempt.( but never the attempts before that. Maybe because that one was the worst).

Is anyone else holding on because of the fear and anger and misunderstanding that your loved ones feel? I just wish they understood the many years of mental suffering I have been through.

I lost both of my parents in 2006 to terminal illnesses ( 8 months apart) and I feel like they were so mad at me for being suicidal all those years but now 13 years later they are at peace and I'm still suffering.....

Wow sorry for rambling, but I'm so grateful for finding this site. I feel like I can speak freely without judgement here, finally.

your feelings are totally understandable. I could never figure out what people think they are helping by getting angry at suicidal people. Selfish and nasty, like their loss would somehow be greater than yours, it's your life you're giving up, not theirs.
Petty and irrational. Territorial and selfish.

 

[PatKat]

My last attempt was about 15 years ago ( I'm 37 now). The internet wasn't huge back then, but I searched how much seroquil was lethal. My results said 10000 Mgs. So, I saved. And that night I felt

relieved and calm and I had written my letters as well as a DNR letter ( which was obviously disregarded). Anyways, I was found too soon and ended up being in a coma for 3 days. My dad was told that I might wake up brain dead, if at all. I woke up in intensive care and was shipped off to my regular psych ward.

Almost every day since then I'm angry that I survived, still even now.

I also remember that my closest loved ones were so angry at me, and let me know it after that attempt.( but never the attempts before that. Maybe because that one was the worst).

Is anyone else holding on because of the fear and anger and misunderstanding that your loved ones feel? I just wish they understood the many years of mental suffering I have been through.

I lost both of my parents in 2006 to terminal illnesses ( 8 months apart) and I feel like they were so mad at me for being suicidal all those years but now 13 years later they are at peace and I'm still suffering.....

Wow sorry for rambling, but I'm so grateful for finding this site. I feel like I can speak freely without judgement here, finally.

I couldnt even imagine that much of an atypical antipsychotic... I use to take it in a lower does for sleep, but it really just made me sleep all the time. Yep, you are right DNR does not matter in a suicide due to "you were not in the right frame of mind".

 

[LogicalConclusion]

Yep, you are right DNR does not matter in a suicide due to "you were not in the right frame of mind".

Honestly, I think that's the dumbest thing because, for me at least, I feel more clarity than I've felt in a long time, maybe ever. In the past I attempted while in crisis, but I have been more emotionally stable overall and at peace now than any other time I can think of.

As for OP's question...I honestly don't think anyone will be surprised and I truly believe everyone will be relieved in the end.

 

[not_a_robot]

what if I tattoo the DNR on my face?

 

[Jynxer]

your feelings are totally understandable. I could never figure out what people think they are helping by getting angry at suicidal people. Selfish and nasty, like their loss would somehow be greater than yours, it's your life you're giving up, not theirs.
Petty and irrational. Territorial and selfish.

Yes exactely. Yet I still have those guilty feelings, as stupid as they seem in the realm of what I feel mentally. And I think that's why I've been slowly but surely pushing away all of my friends. so when I decide to hop on that bus to my private island I will feel no guilt.

I couldnt even imagine that much of an atypical antipsychotic... I use to take it in a lower does for sleep, but it really just made me sleep all the time. Yep, you are right DNR does not matter in a suicide due to "you were not in the right frame of mind".

I think it didn't work as planned Due to my tolerance. I was taking about 800mgs per day at the time

 

[not_a_robot]

Yes exactely. Yet I still have those guilty feelings, as stupid as they seem in the realm of what I feel mentally. And I think that's why I've been slowly but surely pushing away all of my friends. so when I decide to hop on that bus to my private island I will feel no guilt.

I think it didn't work as planned Due to my tolerance. I was taking about 800mgs per day at the time

and it didn't improve your suicidal urges.

 

[Jynxer]

what if I tattoo the DNR on my face?

There's actually been debates on ppl who get it tattooed on their chests. Doctors don't actually know what to do with that quite yet lol some follow and some don't

and it didn't improve your suicidal urges.

My suicidal urges have been with me since I was 11 and they never have stopped

 

[ProhibereDolor]

My last attempt was about 15 years ago ( I'm 37 now). The internet wasn't huge back then, but I searched how much seroquil was lethal. My results said 10000 Mgs. So, I saved. And that night I felt

relieved and calm and I had written my letters as well as a DNR letter ( which was obviously disregarded). Anyways, I was found too soon and ended up being in a coma for 3 days. My dad was told that I might wake up brain dead, if at all. I woke up in intensive care and was shipped off to my regular psych ward.

Almost every day since then I'm angry that I survived, still even now.

I also remember that my closest loved ones were so angry at me, and let me know it after that attempt.( but never the attempts before that. Maybe because that one was the worst).

Is anyone else holding on because of the fear and anger and misunderstanding that your loved ones feel? I just wish they understood the many years of mental suffering I have been through.

I lost both of my parents in 2006 to terminal illnesses ( 8 months apart) and I feel like they were so mad at me for being suicidal all those years but now 13 years later they are at peace and I'm still suffering.....

Wow sorry for rambling, but I'm so grateful for finding this site. I feel like I can speak freely without judgement here, finally.

Unfortunately people who have never had to battle a mental illness could never even fathom what it is like. So let me get this straight: you took 10 grams of quetiapine? That is a massive dose. I have never looked up the LD50 for quetiapine but it has to be pretty close to the amount you took. I'm surprised the bus left without you on it. I'm baffled how your liver and renal system was able to keep going on. Sadly I can't say much on the topic of your suffering because I don't know much of the situation. But I can say this, and maybe I'm wrong, if you are suffering this badly then you shouldn't have to worry about them. Yeah, they will lose a family member but choosing your own exit is preferable to living a long life totally suffering. Just my opinion. And unfortunately if they haven't come to understand what is tormenting you by now then they most likely never will.

 

[Jynxer]

Unfortunately people who have never had to battle a mental illness could never even fathom what it is like. So let me get this straight: you took 10 grams of quetiapine? That is a massive dose. I have never looked up the LD50 for quetiapine but it has to be pretty close to the amount you took. I'm surprised the bus left without you on it. I'm baffled how your liver and renal system was able to keep going on. Sadly I can't say much on the topic of your suffering because I don't know much of the situation. But I can say this, and maybe I'm wrong, if you are suffering this badly then you shouldn't have to worry about them. Yeah, they will lose a family member but choosing your own exit is preferable to living a long life totally suffering. Just my opinion. And unfortunately if they haven't come to understand what is tormenting you by now then they most likely never will.

Well, yes I guess it was that much. 100 100mg pills. I'm still also shocked I survived. " I'm here for a reason" my friends say. " I survived for a reason" but, for right now I do have 1 reason to keep going, for now. That's the lil girl in my avatar pic. I can't leave her. But when she's gone I will follow...

 

[Bulletwbttrflywings]

what if I tattoo the DNR on my face?

If you Tattoo this legal verbiage in your arm and always have the paperwork on you, they have to honor it.