I would prefer to live, but I am failing all sorts of treatment for my diagnosis which has basically left me housebound. I feel that I have to do this before I lose my mind. I am upset that it came to this for me because I had so much potential, but I screwed it all up. When you have serious health issues you have no life. I am getting tired of the same routine everyday and don't want anything out of life anymore. The depression and hopelessness that chronic disease brings on is something else. My future is bleak at best with only government funded housing to keep me off the streets. I wanted to contribute something to this world and not just be a consumer. All that is done now. The only thing I have to look forward to is death. My deadline is October. My best friend from high school is getting married that month and I am not showing up there in this condition. If something doesn't change from everything that I am doing by September, then I'm done. I wish there was an easy way to go i have posted about suicide parties and such but the world is so disconnected at this point that this what we are left with, talking through a box screen to each other. It's each person for themselves nowadays. Family doesn't mean anything. I am pissed off at my family for not understanding me. If I saw them suffering day in and day out, I would help them end their suffering, but not so in my case. Let me suffer physically, so you don't have to mentally. Anyway what I'm trying to say is that I feel like this is my only option and would like your opinion.
My options in life are very bleak. My disease is called the suicide disease believe it or not. They compare our quality of lives to those of people with end stage cancer. The last option if I fail everything is to remove my bladder and pee through a bag in my stomach. I know this real personal, but I can't imagine going through with that. That is no life at all. I know suffering is a part of life and I've done my share of it, but this is just crazy. I would prefer cancer to this. At the end either I die or I survive and move on. I don't have to suffer to the day I die. Everything down there hurts, I don't need to go into specifics. I have to pee all day long which is driving me insane. I'm fucking incontinent at 31 and I've been taking this shit for two years. I fucking can't anymore. For a little over a year I was going to doctors sober and trying. Ever since then I've been self medicating to make it through the day. In the last couple of months I have completely let myself go. Will barely leave the house, don't do anything but what I basically need to survive, take care of my personal hygiene the least needed possible. I wish I could wake up before this all started, but I can't go back in time. I'm not going back to the looney hospital. That system completely fucked me up. I'm gonna die in pain while they offer me otc painkillers while I've been taking high dose opiates over the years. I'm fucking trapped and I need out.
Yes, even though I'm a bit more sane from 2 days off adderall. It doesn't change the fact that I feel I have to die. The rest of the tools are coming in mail and I still need to square some things away. I won't lie it's really strange planning and preparing my own death. It's not like there's nowhere I could go if I desperately wanted to stay alive. I just don't like those options and to me death seems like the best option when I see the other potential options. There's not that many choices when u are at the bottom. Like low social status, low competence status, low income.
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i only look forward to sleep at this point in my life as waking up to this nightmare i am dealing with is brutal. It has made me see just how dark and ugly the world is. I used to watch horrible shit on the news with mass casualties, but people deserve it. There is no such thing as an innocent person. They all fuck like animals and kill each other over senselessness. I know world war 3 will start soon and hope I am around to see the carnage. I am pissed off. I had so much potential, a good career and life ahead of me until it was all stolen from me. But there are others in similar situations. I would honestly die in a tragedy than have to deal with a tortuous chronic condition like I am now. How do you cope with something that hovers over you every minute of the day without turning to drugs and alcohol.
That's how I would cope too unless there was a fix that I was aware of and it was accessible.
wanttodie
Enlightened
- Apr 19, 2018
- 1,802
Lady Euthanasia
Member
- Jul 24, 2018
- 41
I agree with your statement, in fact I find it quite cruel to push someone who's dear to you to keep on living while knowing how much suffer they have to bear doing so. You have probably heard this a hundreds times but I wish I could help and I'm truly sorry you are in this situation. My advice would be to first and foremost think about yourself, disconnect your mind from your family and other loved ones, you decide how to live your life and when to end it because after all it is YOUR life, if you think or hope that you might improve on your condition than wait, there is no rush in this morbid business called suicide but if you feel as if there aren't any chances and you don't want to keep on suffering than please learn the necessary information about your method before going along with it. I wish you strength and courage for whatever choice you decide on.
I feel like I have to die. I don't want to, though. I want to cry every time I see my cat because I know I will be leaving her behind, and I love her and don't want to have to leave her. I also don't want to have to leave my husband and sister. It's so sad that I am forced into having to do this. My mom, sister and father have been looking at old pictures from when I and my little sister were kids and I just want to cry at the hurt that I will be leaving behind. Seeing those old family photos is painful. It's painful because I know that is all they'll have of me after I'm dead... just some photos.
I have MS, which progressively gets worse over the years. Right now it's not too bad for me. It's not my MS that is forcing me to kill myself. What IS forcing me to have to kill myself is that I am facing losing my income. I've been on disability for 10 years for mental illness and I'm up for review. While I'm waiting for the review, I'm applying for jobs but no one is hiring me. I think it's because I have a 10-year gap in my employment history...I mean, 10 whole years of no employment.
I made straight As in high-school and had a 3.79 GPA in college. I majored in mathematics, minored in computer science and graduated with distinction. I was also in the Alpha Chi society. Right after college, I got a high-paying job as a statistician. Then, after eight years on that job, my mental illness got the better of me and I had to go on disability.
Even if they let me keep my disability, I'm going to have to kill myself at some point because when I turn 65 I lose disability and go to regular Social Security. Since I wouldn't have much of a work history, I'd make even less than what I'm getting on disability, and I wouldn't be able to survive on that. No matter what, I am doomed to killing myself.
I was an accomplished woman who had so much going for me until depression and anxiety took my life from me. I've lost everything. I am now a defeated 40 year-old woman.
So yes, I do feel like I have to die. I don't want to, but I will have no choice. I'm stuck. I'm being forced into it, because I refuse to be homeless. I don't have the strength for that. I don't want to spend the rest of my life just trying to find a public bathroom to use. I don't know how homeless people do that... always looking for the next bathroom.
I have MS, which progressively gets worse over the years. Right now it's not too bad for me. It's not my MS that is forcing me to kill myself. What IS forcing me to have to kill myself is that I am facing losing my income. I've been on disability for 10 years for mental illness and I'm up for review. While I'm waiting for the review, I'm applying for jobs but no one is hiring me. I think it's because I have a 10-year gap in my employment history...I mean, 10 whole years of no employment.
I made straight As in high-school and had a 3.79 GPA in college. I majored in mathematics, minored in computer science and graduated with distinction. I was also in the Alpha Chi society. Right after college, I got a high-paying job as a statistician. Then, after eight years on that job, my mental illness got the better of me and I had to go on disability.
Even if they let me keep my disability, I'm going to have to kill myself at some point because when I turn 65 I lose disability and go to regular Social Security. Since I wouldn't have much of a work history, I'd make even less than what I'm getting on disability, and I wouldn't be able to survive on that. No matter what, I am doomed to killing myself.
I was an accomplished woman who had so much going for me until depression and anxiety took my life from me. I've lost everything. I am now a defeated 40 year-old woman.
So yes, I do feel like I have to die. I don't want to, but I will have no choice. I'm stuck. I'm being forced into it, because I refuse to be homeless. I don't have the strength for that. I don't want to spend the rest of my life just trying to find a public bathroom to use. I don't know how homeless people do that... always looking for the next bathroom.
I used to feel like this. I really wanted to live, but I felt like I had no option but to die. I'm now at the point where I don't want to live.
Aponia & Ataraxia
Experienced
- Jun 24, 2018
- 233
I don't merely get a sense that I have to die, I know that I have to die:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mortality_salience
https://simple.wikipedia.org/wiki/Negentropy
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World_line#World_lines_in_literature
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Specious_present
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autotelic#Flow
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thrownness
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mortality_salience
https://simple.wikipedia.org/wiki/Negentropy
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World_line#World_lines_in_literature
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Specious_present
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autotelic#Flow
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thrownness
Definitelyworried
Member
- Jun 19, 2018
- 551
I have similar fears that you do.
Different scenerio but similar outcome, and it is causing me to think about suicide uncontrollably.
I'm 32 years though.
Man, I think about suicide from the time I wake up until the time I go to sleep. "Uncontrollably" is the best way to describe it. It's become an obsession. For years I've had suicidal thoughts off and on, but it's never been as serious as it has been this past month and a half. It's been an everyday, all-day thing the past month and a half.
Most of the people do deserve it. I'm only concerned about the 0.01% who don't. And rest assured, there will be no WW3. Maybe some tiny bits of civil war here and there in Europe. Not much more than that. The evil has won over the good in WW2. The world is now fully in the hands of evil. We lost, the party is over.
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We are already in a war it's just not real obvious on the surface. The system we live under favors collectivism over the individual. This really harms a lot of people because individual needs very widely due to us all being unequal in various ways. A system that looks at every one as the same is destined to destroy itself. People need competition to thrive, we don't all have same iq's, same abilities, same desires, same learning needs, there are major differences between men and women which is why women in general are less able to make as much as men in the market place. 10 times less testosterone than men, therefore less driven, women more agreeable. I could go on but I won't lol!
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What you said is true but it is not war, it is defeat. Nobody is fighting against the system or the elites if you will.
There are people on the internet fighting but it's not enuf to avoid collapse and tyranny, Unfortunately public school indoctrination is pretty powerful. The gov has the kids for a lot of years. Many kids see the government as their parent bc public school was a bigger influence than many kids's absent or too busy parents. I don't mean literally but many kids have to spend more time being influenced by public school than their own parents so they don't understand that gov is actually harmful. it's not the benevolent entity that we are brainwashed into thinking it is.
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Definitelyworried
Member
- Jun 19, 2018
- 551
Sometimes I wondered if I was the only one feeling this way, so you and I have that in common, except I been struggling like this for about 5 months.
Right now I'm a having a long Anxiety attack. I feel so horrible right now. I need this to stop, I don't see how this could be normal.
Anxiety is god awful. I have both depression and anxiety but I hate the anxiety the most. Depression and anxiety have taken everything from me in this life. Anxiety attacks are like the end of the world.
Definitelyworried
Member
- Jun 19, 2018
- 551
Same here anxiety and depression have been taking me down over the last few years, it brought me down to here being suicidal. And the anxiety is unexplainably painful.
I do really rather be dead than be experiencing an anxiety attack.
I hate that some of you wants to live, but your physical condition is causing you to want to die. I wish I can give you my body, so you can live and I can die. I have severe depression that basically makes living a struggle. I look fine physically, but mentally I feel like I have end stage cancer that doesn't kill me but tortures me.
Definitelyworried
Member
- Jun 19, 2018
- 551
Is there a specific reason that causes your anxiety and depression?
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