Discussion Does anyone feel sick at the thought of CTB?

[citrusrope]

I find it the most annoying part of me: I constantly have the urge to want to CTB, but if I spend a little more than a second to think about it, my stomach kind of churns and I start feeling a bit sick..?

I find it insanely difficult to even picture my own future because I feel so much dread and doom, but still a physical part of me somewhere is kicking around to keep myself alive. Is it my survival instinct kicking in at the mere thought of CTB? Why do I start feeling sick?

When I see individuals who have "succeeded" I feel a weird mix of strong unease and anxiety at the idea that they have stopped breathing, but also the teeniest bit of envy mixed in at the same time. It makes me a little angry that I was born with so much anxiety and fear instead of resolve. I dunno what I'm saying anymore. I think it's probably because I'm still stuck and can't come to terms with the fact that I have no balls to kms, but I'm still agonizingly in distress and it feels like it'll never get better ever, so I'm just going to have to live this way forever with no real other choice whether I like it or not...

 

[s00ngone]

Yeah. I've been seriously wanting to ctb for about 2, 3 months now? Made a very impulsive, almost "non-attempt" in that time with partial, and the entire time the images of limp, lifeless, breathless bodies haunted me (and made me hyperaware of the fact that that would be how my body would be found). I'm thankful now SI kicked in, if only so my stepdad wouldn't have to come home and find me. I'd much rather have control over none of my family being the ones to see me first. The main thing that kills me to think about is hurting my family. No matter what, it'll be a bombshell like nothing they've ever had before.

It feels like the ultimate limbo. My case isn't anywhere close to "acute suffering" but there still feels like no good future ahead, so here I am. Contemplating. With SN on the way, unless I cancel the payment. It's a lot.

 

[Jdieiejdjaow]

I'm in the exact same boat. SI made me cancel my first attempt. Thought I'll just rely on people and work it out. While, financially, I can't complain at this time (even if I've income just above the poverty line), the housing conditions is creating pain for me. If I continue, my abuser becomes more like me (calm and regulated) while I become more like him (angry, violent, hurtful). I already hurt one person because of the abuse. I really don't want to contribute in this manner to the world. It'll be 30 years before I'll have a home for myself (if no war in rest of Europe). I'll be 64 then. Probably at that point, I'll transition anyways due to old age.

 

[citrusrope]

Yeah. I've been seriously wanting to ctb for about 2, 3 months now? Made a very impulsive, almost "non-attempt" in that time with partial, and the entire time the images of limp, lifeless, breathless bodies haunted me (and made me hyperaware of the fact that that would be how my body would be found). I'm thankful now SI kicked in, if only so my stepdad wouldn't have to come home and find me. I'd much rather have control over none of my family being the ones to see me first. The main thing that kills me to think about is hurting my family. No matter what, it'll be a bombshell like nothing they've ever had before.

It feels like the ultimate limbo. My case isn't anywhere close to "acute suffering" but there still feels like no good future ahead, so here I am. Contemplating. With SN on the way, unless I cancel the payment. It's a lot.

I understand. Even though logically speaking, *if* I did succeed at CTB, I would technically not have the ability to witness how it would affect those around me, my current conscience is somehow just enough to keep me from attempting still. (It doesn't help that I have seen my parents look sad before, and even that makes me feel sick so I can't really wrap my head around how bad it'd feel to be the reason that I ruined other peoples lives as some sort of collateral damage.) Not to mention the image of a dead body also "scaring" me similar to the way you describe it.

I'm in the exact same boat. SI made me cancel my first attempt. Thought I'll just rely on people and work it out. While, financially, I can't complain at this time (even if I've income just above the poverty line), the housing conditions is creating pain for me. If I continue, my abuser becomes more like me (calm and regulated) while I become more like him (angry, violent, hurtful). I already hurt one person because of the abuse. I really don't want to contribute in this manner to the world. It'll be 30 years before I'll have a home for myself (if no war in rest of Europe). I'll be 64 then. Probably at that point, I'll transition anyways due to old age.

I always think of how, if safe housing was a guaranteed sorta thing, I'd probably be less suicidal. The way that life functions heavily around luck in a lot of different aspects is pretty shitty too, like what sort of conditions or places one is born in, that sort of thing.

 

[Outofoptions1]

Yep.

Truthfully speaking, I don't want to die, but I don't want to live either. Life is too painful and after my breakup, I feel like I'm in a deep dark tunnel with no way out.

Anytime I get thoughts of suicide I feel a little bit relieved but then get extreme anxiety the more I seriously consider it. I've been combating this by slowly making preparations for my death. This way, when it comes time to ctb I can only focus on that instead of panicking about my will, notes, belongings etc.

My Life is too painful to live on a daily basis and will only get worse. I'm scared of dying, but a few seconds/minutes of pain to end this torture is a fair trade off.

 

[TheMountainTreeEgg]

Yeah I think about it, but im too much of a coward. I have too many attachments.

 

[TheHolySword]

Not really. It just makes me sad.

 

[worthless creature]

i get really sad about my attachments, friends, family, etc. but to be honest, finally achieving eternal rest is well worth payoff for feeling terrible. ive been tired for so long :c

 

[citrusrope]

i get really sad about my attachments, friends, family, etc. but to be honest, finally achieving eternal rest is well worth payoff for feeling terrible. ive been tired for so long :c

Yeah, it feels very much like constantly trying to swim against the current. It is very very exhausting, I feel you.

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

I feel a bit sick because I think about it the same way as I would if I killed someone, even if I hate them ,I don't hate hate them. And I do hate myself from time to time but I don't hate hate myself so if going by the first sentence I should have no reason to CTB , however hating myself isn't the sole reason in this case (edit: far from it actually, I came to peace with that to a good extent) , the feeling of freedom and "peace" that I will get from CTB far outweighs the sickness you describe.

 

[genie]

No. I'm the opposite, I feel sick at the thought of living. Thoughts of CTB comfort me. I won't CTB anytime soon probably, but it's nice to have as an option for if SHTF.

 

[worthless creature]

Yeah, it feels very much like constantly trying to swim against the current. It is very very exhausting, I feel you.

the emptiness is all consuming, the only person that has been able to give me shelter from it abandoned me like everyone else. now its been 6 months since then, my date is nearing closer and she reached out. things have been weird but nice, the time we spend together reminds me of the past. its a weird limbo i exist in until my date arrives. all of this is very tiring, i am just not cut out for this life and existence.

 

[Jdieiejdjaow]

the emptiness is all consuming, the only person that has been able to give me shelter from it abandoned me like everyone else. now its been 6 months since then, my date is nearing closer and she reached out. things have been weird but nice, the time we spend together reminds me of the past. its a weird limbo i exist in until my date arrives. all of this is very tiring, i am just not cut out for this life and existence.

Indeed, living with anhedonia, lack of contentment and a purpose can feel like there's no point to life.

 

[citrusrope]

the emptiness is all consuming, the only person that has been able to give me shelter from it abandoned me like everyone else. now its been 6 months since then, my date is nearing closer and she reached out. things have been weird but nice, the time we spend together reminds me of the past. its a weird limbo i exist in until my date arrives. all of this is very tiring, i am just not cut out for this life and existence.

Yes, it feels... odd, to say the least. Sometimes I look out the window and it is such a nice day outside and yet I still feel dread and depression... I also feel like I am just not cut out for living. At least not in this world.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes but I think it's a pretty understandable reaction. Unless a person actually enjoys harming themselves, we are potentially likely to be putting ourselves through an unknown amount of pain and fear with an uncertain result. One potential result being that we could suffer negative consequences though- if we fail the attempt.

I also feel this weird and pointless resentment that I am stuck with either making this decision or, risking old age, illness and natural death- which could well be as bad, if not worse. So- I resent being inflicted with a life that was obviously going to end this way too.

 

[failedmind]

I do sometimes, when I think of how my family will feel after they find out I'm gone. But it mostly makes me feel sad. I feel a bit of relief too, but mostly sadness. Sad that I'm so traumatized and depressed and messed up that I need to CTB. That it's the only way I'll be okay. I wish I could've had a happier life. It's just not possible for me

 

[ididnotconsent]

It's okay to feel that way and okay to feel the opposite. It's normal to have conflicting thoughts about CTB. It's not a black and white thing.