Does anyone feel like they actually DO want to make everyone sad?

[rebelsue]

I feel like I want to die mainly because I am tired of living. That is 99%.

But sometimes I also sort of want the people in my life to feel bad. I want them to feel everything I feel right now, so they understand. I want them to understand that I couldn't help this. I want them to see that I suffered alone and misunderstood.

Most of the people in my life more or less think I am not a great person. I don't have much respect from people. They don't know the battles I fight every minute of every day. They don't have any idea how hard I have worked in my life. I did a good job. I did good. I am a good kid. I did my best. I feel so much resentment toward the people in my life. They will never get it. They treat me with such coldness and they really don't know any better. That's the way that makes sense to them at this point, because from their perspective, kindness and support didn't work either. They aren't wrong.

I wish more than anything in the entire world that I was fixable. I wish people understood how hard I have worked. I wish they could see the inside of me and know. And hurting them sometimes feels like the only way to show them. I want out of this life. I am so bewildered at how awful I turned out, after being such a good sweet child who just wanted to make the world better. So much life wasted. I don't even understand how it got to this point. How did I fall so far?

I am going to practice tonight...the partial hanging technique. Last time I worked at this was a month ago and I really struggled to get it right. I am going to go to my basement in the middle of the night after my husband is asleep so he'll never know I did this. If I can get the passing out feeling to happen then I'll know I finally found the spot and will be ready.

 

[willitpass]

i get that to some degree. i'm the sort of person who always gets left out and no one cares about and i want to just scream out in my death that i tried so hard to fit in and to matter but just wasn't accepted. i did my best and it's never good enough and maybe now people will realize that it wasn't so simple. that's only a very small part of me though, i still hate making people feel bad even in the slightest, much less the pain and trauma this will cause

 

[rebelsue]

i get that to some degree. i'm the sort of person who always gets left out and no one cares about and i want to just scream out in my death that i tried so hard to fit in and to matter but just wasn't accepted. i did my best and it's never good enough and maybe now people will realize that it wasn't so simple. that's only a very small part of me though, i still hate making people feel bad even in the slightest, much less the pain and trauma this will cause

yeah i guess ultimately I hate making people feel bad. But then part of me is like...well they obviously can handle their lives just fine or they'd be where I am, so maybe they'll be okay. They already ignore me most of the time anyway so if I was dead would it really matter?

 

[willitpass]

yeah i guess ultimately I hate making people feel bad. But then part of me is like...well they obviously can handle their lives just fine or they'd be where I am, so maybe they'll be okay. They already ignore me most of the time anyway so if I was dead would it really matter?

deep down i know my death will cause people severe pain and depression, but i guess it just makes us feel better about our decisions to think that they will move on and not care. that they will just think they should have done more and then move on. but it also can reassure us that we are making a right decision by thinking that it will teach them a lesson. i feel like it's just another way to rationalize how we are feeling

 

[willitpass]

Interestingly, a guy i dated once who was kind of abusive toward me committed suicide. It was after we'd already broken up but not too long after. I felt really fucked up in the head after that, I thought it was my fault. But in hindsight, he was suffering a lot. He would have eventually taken his own life. It was just a matter of time. Even though he tried to abuse me, he did it because he didn't know how else to be, and he was desperate for companionship. He'd had a horrible life. The fact that he lived as long as he did is kind of amazing. He really did try to make the best of things. I am not happy that he was in so much pain to begin with. The suicide actually feels relieving to me...that it's a shame it had to go down that way for him because every life has worth. But he was in pain and I'm sure he didn't know a way out, as smart and resourceful as he was. It feels fucked up to say this. But I do wonder if this is eventually how my friends and family will feel, even if the initial shock is strong.

i do hope that my friends and family will be glad i'm out of pain

 

[Blue Portal]

I wouldn't wish that on my friends and family but I understand where your coming from.

 

[Arrow]

some people in my life do deserve to feel these same feelings, the more i think about it.

 

[Despondent]

I don't like the thought of others around me suffering, no matter how much they've done me wrong

Edit: unless you're a pedo

 

[Erase.myself]

I very much dislike the idea of others hurting after I ctb. I have two days left to live (planned ctb for Monday) and a couple times today when I see jewelry my mom made me, or a gift she bought me....it makes me think of her and how she will be in pain. And it makes me emotional. It fucking hurts. Makes my stomach hurt a bit. But I take some deep breaths and remember that I cannot continue to live for others. It is too painful .I need to be free from my suffering.

Even those that have harmed me on this earth ...I don't want them suffering and in pain. I want all beings to be at ease, and peaceful and free from suffering. Those are my personal thoughts on this.

 

[someonewillhelpme]

Not at all, I just want to end the excruciating pain I'm facing.

 

[woxihuanni]

I definitely want the person who drives me to death to suffer, but they won't suffer. Other than that, everybody will either be able to cope or not care. Some might say 'at last'.

 

[SpareWheel]

You never know what demons someone else has or what they're going through. I only have to use myself as an example because I hide it all. With that, I don't set out to make anyone feel bad. Even when I'm at my very lowest, I still try to make others laugh, it's always been my coping mechanism. Class clown for life.

 

[Isittimetogonola]

This is the 0.01%of me. As much as I have said in my letters that my ctb is not their fault, I hope in a sick sadistic way they feel the pain I have been in. I want them to know that what they could have had as the friend I needed was something precious and now they will have to deal with the loss. I know it is not right and maybe feeling this way is a reason to extend my stay just a bit longer for them so I can leave with no hurt. But that 0.01% does hope they hurt beyond belief. So disappointed in myself for even wanting that.

 

[Harleyyy]

I feel like I want to die mainly because I am tired of living. That is 99%.

But sometimes I also sort of want the people in my life to feel bad. I want them to feel everything I feel right now, so they understand. I want them to understand that I couldn't help this. I want them to see that I suffered alone and misunderstood.

Most of the people in my life more or less think I am not a great person. I don't have much respect from people. They don't know the battles I fight every minute of every day. They don't have any idea how hard I have worked in my life. I did a good job. I did good. I am a good kid. I did my best. I feel so much resentment toward the people in my life. They will never get it. They treat me with such coldness and they really don't know any better. That's the way that makes sense to them at this point, because from their perspective, kindness and support didn't work either. They aren't wrong.

I wish more than anything in the entire world that I was fixable. I wish people understood how hard I have worked. I wish they could see the inside of me and know. And hurting them sometimes feels like the only way to show them. I want out of this life. I am so bewildered at how awful I turned out, after being such a good sweet child who just wanted to make the world better. So much life wasted. I don't even understand how it got to this point. How did I fall so far?

I am going to practice tonight...the partial hanging technique. Last time I worked at this was a month ago and I really struggled to get it right. I am going to go to my basement in the middle of the night after my husband is asleep so he'll never know I did this. If I can get the passing out feeling to happen then I'll know I finally found the spot and will be ready.

i do not know if i feel this way completely but i do get this feeling and reckoning that i want people to understand me and go through the pain just so they know what i went through and what they did, i dont know if this makes me a bad person, i never wish what i have in me upn anyone but only if they just had my brain and could understand, maybe they wouldnt be too harsh on me

 

[RileyTanaka]

Wow, I feel like I could have written this myself. I feel like I want people to hurt because it's the only way they will experience a fraction of pain I had to endure on a daily basis, but I also hate that I feel that way too. But you're human, and obviously people have let you down big time, and there's a devastation in that. I personally no longer believe or value the idea of "community" because on the whole, I don't think that really exists for people anymore. It's hard to explain, but you might get where I'm coming from. I'm really sorry life has hurt you this much. It sounds like you had a lot of potential early in life and that got taken away ... regardless, people will hurt. They may not ever take responsibility, but they will hurt and feel bad.

 

[rankinchris]

We will never be around to see there reactions and how much it hurts them :(

 

[Isittimetogonola]

i do not know if i feel this way completely but i do get this feeling and reckoning that i want people to understand me and go through the pain just so they know what i went through and what they did, i dont know if this makes me a bad person, i never wish what i have in me upn anyone but only if they just had my brain and could understand, maybe they wouldnt be too harsh on me

This is me exactly..Love and Hugs to you ❤

 

[rebelsue]

I don't actually want to hurt people or even see their pain. I just want them to understand how real my pain was. That it wasn't just pointless drama for attention.

 

[madbananas]

I totally get this. *hugs*