ninfanatic
please kill me
- Jul 3, 2024
- 61
My circumstances make it so I could really never be anything other than alive, not living. My head is always racing all of the time, I always uncover new ways that I've been ruined from trauma, some other stuff too that gets in the way.
When I was 12 I was just overly fascinated with dying, S, other things similar. This continued for years, but for a long time it was quite on and off. Nowadays it is instilled in me.
Now I pretty much understand death as a life mission. When I'm dead, granted if it's not just nothing at all, I can reclaim the bits of me that were stolen from me by my childhood abusers, more specifically the emotional bits. I have such a beautiful image of it. Admittedly for now it is just a hunch, but I picture it as just endless space.
I'm also transgender, and it's only one bit that ties into just not being able to live with myself. I'm not invested in transitioning as much like I was before. If I don't just have any physical form at all, then that's preferable, but I don't want to exist like this.
When I get closer to death, despite my brain trying to sabotage it, I feel elated like pretty much nothing else here can provide. I don't really care much about Holidays or my birthday anymore. I've gone without food or water, also without just food, and even though physically (and with mental hunger/a hateful brain) it can be tough, there is such a massive, untouchable, esoteric relief to it all.
it's just freedom. Freedom to love, be at peace, have no physical bounds. Or if it's true that there's nothing, I won't spend my entire days every day anxious, in physical pain from TMJ (both sides, inflamed and locked), tortured by my mind, performing OCD compulsions for most of the day, delusional paranlkd thinking patterns, not dreading everything entirely or waking up and sometimes just immediately feeling awful.
With everything in me, I hope this ends soon. I am thinking of SN possibly, but for other reasons (like ED behaviors/thoughts, extreme thinness, & some more personal) I'd like to go the starvation route. I've thought this method through to an extent and as I go along with the journey I try to add to it accordingly.
Does anyone also believe that they're either not supposed to be here? I am coming from a more spiritual understanding of my circumstances, but if this at all resonates with anyone out there then I'm glad.
Edit*: And whatever is commented, please try to be kind if you reference the post. This is very personal.
When I was 12 I was just overly fascinated with dying, S, other things similar. This continued for years, but for a long time it was quite on and off. Nowadays it is instilled in me.
Now I pretty much understand death as a life mission. When I'm dead, granted if it's not just nothing at all, I can reclaim the bits of me that were stolen from me by my childhood abusers, more specifically the emotional bits. I have such a beautiful image of it. Admittedly for now it is just a hunch, but I picture it as just endless space.
I'm also transgender, and it's only one bit that ties into just not being able to live with myself. I'm not invested in transitioning as much like I was before. If I don't just have any physical form at all, then that's preferable, but I don't want to exist like this.
When I get closer to death, despite my brain trying to sabotage it, I feel elated like pretty much nothing else here can provide. I don't really care much about Holidays or my birthday anymore. I've gone without food or water, also without just food, and even though physically (and with mental hunger/a hateful brain) it can be tough, there is such a massive, untouchable, esoteric relief to it all.
it's just freedom. Freedom to love, be at peace, have no physical bounds. Or if it's true that there's nothing, I won't spend my entire days every day anxious, in physical pain from TMJ (both sides, inflamed and locked), tortured by my mind, performing OCD compulsions for most of the day, delusional paranlkd thinking patterns, not dreading everything entirely or waking up and sometimes just immediately feeling awful.
With everything in me, I hope this ends soon. I am thinking of SN possibly, but for other reasons (like ED behaviors/thoughts, extreme thinness, & some more personal) I'd like to go the starvation route. I've thought this method through to an extent and as I go along with the journey I try to add to it accordingly.
Does anyone also believe that they're either not supposed to be here? I am coming from a more spiritual understanding of my circumstances, but if this at all resonates with anyone out there then I'm glad.
Edit*: And whatever is commented, please try to be kind if you reference the post. This is very personal.
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I hope you can find happiness here, but if you believe that leaving is better, I hope it is not painful. Either route you take, I hope you can find happiness. 
