T
Torschlusspanik
Waste of oxygen
- Feb 5, 2022
- 19
This may be a bit of a rhetorical post, perhaps nonsensical, perhaps remotely philosophical, but I'm really curious if anyone feels this way.
I was wondering if anyone has ever felt like they were faking their condition, or at least exaggerating it: almost as if, in fact, it was possible to end it if you really wanted to.
For the sake of clarity, let me elaborate.
I've only been here a few days and I've already read so many stories of people torn apart by life, abused, bullied, destroyed by others, in unbearable physical pain. Then I think about me, I think about my life and how (all in all) I have never been touched by those terrible realities. Sure, I have a mood disorder. Sure, I first tried to ctb when I was 16, but hey: the more I look around, the more I think it could have been so much worse.
So, at 28, I can't help but wonder how much of everything I've been through in my life would have been avoidable if I'd had more willpower. Maybe more courage?
What if I had been able to gather all the residual will in my body and give it a specific shape: then, in that case, would I have been able to make things go differently?
How much of this is real, caused by chemical imbalances in my brain, and how much is actually just a whim? Am I faking it? How much of this is just my fault? Can I really make it stop when I want to?
The truth, clearly, is that I really do have a mental condition and there is no willpower that can erase it, no inner power, no magic. So why is it that sometimes I just feel like an impostor? As someone who should just be another functioning member of this society and not a burden to it, as much as that makes sense.
The injury of having a medical condition, and the insult of feeling guilty and responsible for it. Isn't that ironically depressing?
Does anyone else ever have similar feelings?
I was wondering if anyone has ever felt like they were faking their condition, or at least exaggerating it: almost as if, in fact, it was possible to end it if you really wanted to.
For the sake of clarity, let me elaborate.
I've only been here a few days and I've already read so many stories of people torn apart by life, abused, bullied, destroyed by others, in unbearable physical pain. Then I think about me, I think about my life and how (all in all) I have never been touched by those terrible realities. Sure, I have a mood disorder. Sure, I first tried to ctb when I was 16, but hey: the more I look around, the more I think it could have been so much worse.
So, at 28, I can't help but wonder how much of everything I've been through in my life would have been avoidable if I'd had more willpower. Maybe more courage?
What if I had been able to gather all the residual will in my body and give it a specific shape: then, in that case, would I have been able to make things go differently?
How much of this is real, caused by chemical imbalances in my brain, and how much is actually just a whim? Am I faking it? How much of this is just my fault? Can I really make it stop when I want to?
The truth, clearly, is that I really do have a mental condition and there is no willpower that can erase it, no inner power, no magic. So why is it that sometimes I just feel like an impostor? As someone who should just be another functioning member of this society and not a burden to it, as much as that makes sense.
The injury of having a medical condition, and the insult of feeling guilty and responsible for it. Isn't that ironically depressing?
Does anyone else ever have similar feelings?