does anyone else’s brain

[rabbithole]

Protect them from all the thoughts that make you want to ctb as some sort of self preservation? I can't access all the awful soul crushing thoughts whenever I want anymore because they overwhelm me so damn much and my mind knows it and protects me. Is this part of survival instinct? Do you guys know what I mean...like my mind is just empty blank space..:

I'm so sick of living like this. Things could be worse but I'm not built to withstand this. Plus I really have one of the worst diseases known to man. I don't know how anyone lives with it.

sorry for whining. How're you guys tonight?

 

[darksideofthebright]

Don't be sorry for sharing your stories at all, that's what the forum is here for.

I think that's a form of survival instinct which is keeping you away from feeling ready to ctb. This happens to me more often than not as well, and in most of the times my SI kicked in, it's because there's still a tiny tiny tiny bit of hope left in me about certain situations.

When you are ready, you will just somehow know. I can't explain, but in all of my attempts, I felt completely ready and content, and just like that, I did it (Of course in the end I failed/got saved, that's why I'm still here lol).

A good way to understand it, for me, is talking aloud about my thoughts, either to yourself (through journaling, video diary, etc.) or to someone else (people you trust though, because a lot of people don't have the mental capacity to talk about suicide).

Sending you virtual hugs. Really hope things will start to look slightly better for you soon.

 

[CrazyMary]

It actually happens the exact oppossite to me. Anxiety and OCD are part of what kills me and sends me towards suicide, just my mind going to hell for the smallest situation it goes and imagines the worst possible outcome.

Doesn´t sound bad that your brain protects you!

 

[KickFive]

Unfortunately not, but I have a few tricks that I do to try and mitigate the impact they have. My intuition is that it is the survival instinct that you're referencing, but I only wear a lab coat at the kink parties and I'm no scientist. I don't think you need to apologize, we get you.

 

[Kat!]

Yes. By day I'm all suicidal but right before I go to sleep I have an existential crisis thinking about all of this.
My plan, if by gun, is to get totally hammered on alcohol. If by SN, I might take it right before the sun rises.

 

[rabbithole]

Protect them from all the thoughts that make you want to ctb as some sort of self preservation? I can't access all the awful soul crushing thoughts whenever I want anymore because they overwhelm me so damn much and my mind knows it and protects me. Is this part of survival instinct? Do you guys know what I mean...like my mind is just empty blank space..:

I'm so sick of living like this. Things could be worse but I'm not built to withstand this. Plus I really have one of the worst diseases known to man. I don't know how anyone

Don't be sorry for sharing your stories at all, that's what the forum is here for.

I think that's a form of survival instinct which is keeping you away from feeling ready to ctb. This happens to me more often than not as well, and in most of the times my SI kicked in, it's because there's still a tiny tiny tiny bit of hope left in me about certain situations.

When you are ready, you will just somehow know. I can't explain, but in all of my attempts, I felt completely ready and content, and just like that, I did it (Of course in the end I failed/got saved, that's why I'm still here lol).

A good way to understand it, for me, is talking aloud about my thoughts, either to yourself (through journaling, video diary, etc.) or to someone else (people you trust though, because a lot of people don't have the mental capacity to talk about suicide).

Sending you virtual hugs. Really hope things will start to look slightly better for you soon.

thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. <3
I've felt that overwhelming impulse before to do something but it seems to pass quickly. I don't know how to hold onto it. It feels like my brain switches off so it isn't overwhelmed. It's done this even before I was suicidal, when I was just depressed and upset it seemed to go blank to protect itself from pain.
I sincerely things look up for you as well. Not to be a downer but I've done the math on my situation and it's hopeless.

Yes. By day I'm all suicidal but right before I go to sleep I have an existential crisis thinking about all of this.
My plan, if by gun, is to get totally hammered on alcohol. If by SN, I might take it right before the sun rises.

Oh wow. Exactly same here. All day I want to die like,,,badly. Like it hurts to be breathing but then night comes around and I feel sort of calm and I look forward to sleeping and dreaming. Then day comes again and I'm tortured all over.

do you have access to a gun? I wish I did. I'm going with SN. if I ever get the guts to end my suffering.

It actually happens the exact oppossite to me. Anxiety and OCD are part of what kills me and sends me towards suicide, just my mind going to hell for the smallest situation it goes and imagines the worst possible outcome.

Doesn´t sound bad that your brain protects you!

:( I'm sorry.

it protects me from having massive like observable breakdowns, but I'm in mental anguish just existing all day everyday. Hard to explain. Like it won't peak and become unbearable enough for me to do anything Like I'm desensitized to the pain? Maybe that's more accurate. It seems to shut down and protect me when I start thinking about ctb.
I'm sorry you're suffering.

 

[darksideofthebright]

thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. <3
I've felt that overwhelming impulse before to do something but it seems to pass quickly. I don't know how to hold onto it. It feels like my brain switches off so it isn't overwhelmed. It's done this even before I was suicidal, when I was just depressed and upset it seemed to go blank to protect itself from pain.
I sincerely things look up for you as well. Not to be a downer but I've done the math on my situation and it's hopeless.

If you really hold onto it, I think it's good to see where it comes from. I don't know a lot about your situation, but from what I know, certain mental health conditions can undermine one's thought processes. Maybe it's that? When I wanted to overcome my SI in the past, what I did was instead of looking too much into future and what it had for me, I looked back at my past and I saw all the pains and traumas that drove me to where I was, and then the feelings of how much I hated this world and the pains I had to endure took over.

 

[KickFive]

If you really hold onto it, I think it's good to see where it comes from. I don't know a lot about your situation, but from what I know, certain mental health conditions can undermine one's thought processes. Maybe it's that? When I wanted to overcome my SI in the past, what I did was instead of looking too much into future and what it had for me, I looked back at my past and I saw all the pains and traumas that drove me to where I was, and then the feelings of how much I hated this world and the pains I had to endure took over.

This right here? *Chef's Kiss* perfection.

 

[rabbithole]

If you really hold onto it, I think it's good to see where it comes from. I don't know a lot about your situation, but from what I know, certain mental health conditions can undermine one's thought processes. Maybe it's that? When I wanted to overcome my SI in the past, what I did was instead of looking too much into future and what it had for me, I looked back at my past and I saw all the pains and traumas that drove me to where I was, and then the feelings of how much I hated this world and the pains I had to endure took over.

Unfortunately I had a lot of trauma from being bullied growing up but now I'm in a really bad situation physically. I was disabled by a lumbar puncture that was botched by a resident who only did one before mine. She gave me an iatrogenic disease called arachnoiditis. I already had serious depression, bad social anxiety and body dysmorphic disorder before this happened. It's just too much.
I'm so sorry you've endured so much. I don't know your story but thank you for reading my ranting. I hope there's the possibility of some recovery in your story.

 

[darksideofthebright]

Unfortunately I had a lot of trauma from being bullied growing up but now I'm in a really bad situation physically. I was disabled by a lumbar puncture that was botched by a resident who only did one before mine. She gave me an iatrogenic disease called arachnoiditis. I already had serious depression, bad social anxiety and body dysmorphic disorder before this happened. It's just too much.
I'm so sorry you've endured so much. I don't know your story but thank you for reading my ranting. I hope there's the possibility of some recovery in your story.

Thank you for even thinking about me in your situation. I am so sorry about the terrible things that you've been going through. Life is seriously throwing so much at you. If you ever need to talk about anything, and I mean anything at all, my PM is open. In this case, with whatever you decide to do, I wish for you nothing but the best of your interests!

 

[rabbithole]

Thank you for even thinking about me in your situation. I am so sorry about the terrible things that you've been going through. Life is seriously throwing so much at you. If you ever need to talk about anything, and I mean anything at all, my PM is open. In this case, with whatever you decide to do, I wish for you nothing but the best of your interests!

Thank you, that means a lot to me life is not going as I planned...at all. And apparently I'm bad at adapting to such a drastic change that it's causing me to be seriously suicidal. I always thought I'd ctb even before this happened but never ever truly contemplated and planned it the way I have now. Just sucks all around. My PMs are open to you always, as well. To rant or vent or just chat.

 

[toseeyousmile]

yeah I think my brain does the same thing, I don't even remember the last time I cried because of my thoughts anymore since it's been so long and my circumstances has become substantially worse. I think it's a defense mechanism your brain does because it wants to live too.

 

[rabbithole]

yeah I think my brain does the same thing, I don't even remember the last time I cried because of my thoughts anymore since it's been so long and my circumstances has become substantially worse. I think it's a defense mechanism your brain does because it wants to live too.

Exactly. I want to be overwhelmed by grief and take my life rather than become this soulless body walking around wasting space and oxygen.

Exactly. I want to be overwhelmed by grief and take my life rather than become this soulless body walking around wasting space and oxygen.

Also I'm very sorry about your situation. Here to talk if you need to.

 

[AutoTap]

Exactly. I want to be overwhelmed by grief and take my life rather than become this soulless body walking around wasting space and oxygen.

Also I'm very sorry about your situation. Here to talk if you need to.

I completely understand you. It allows me to be super miserable but not miserable enough the the point where I'm able to say "fuck it" and end it.

 

[rabbithole]

I completely understand you. It allows me to be super miserable but not miserable enough the the point where I'm able to say "fuck it" and end it.

Ugh. Yeah. I'm rarely flooded by emotion now. I've adjusted to my new level of emotional anguish and it isn't enough to ctb with. I need to let myself be flooded by the futility and pain of my life.

 

[Superdeterminist]

No, my brain has never blanked out thoughts like that, but I think that I wish it did, because thinking about my problems is really painful. I do avoid talking about them at all costs though because nothing good has ever come from doing so, in my experience.

 

[AutoTap]

Ugh. Yeah. I'm rarely flooded by emotion now. I've adjusted to my new level of emotional anguish and it isn't enough to ctb with. I need to let myself be flooded by the futility and pain of my life.

Yep this is pretty much me as well :/