Discussion Does anyone else worry they permanently missed their chance?

[Alexei_Kirillov]

I had the perfect window last year.

For three months, my motivation to die was stronger than the inertia, the habit, of living. For three months, I was capable of overcoming the survival instinct and the fear that comes with it. And I did attempt (two or three times, depending on how you count), but at the time, no method was available to me that met the criteria I set out for myself (ex. minimizing impact on others).

Ironically, as my window was closing, as my burgeoning desire for a person that had recently appeared in my life started to jockey for position against my ever-present will to die, or even overcome it altogether--which I was, and still am, very angry about--, I bought SN (thanks to this site). But by the time it arrived, it was already too late: my window had closed. SI was back in full force, and though I still could not stop thinking about dying, about how badly I wanted to die, about how I just didn't want to be here anymore, the thought of actually going through with it started to become more frightening than relieving, which is a far-cry from how I felt when my window was open. Back then, the idea of everything fading to black and never awakening again only elicited feelings of peace.

Fast-forward to now, and I have suffered through an additional 464 days since that first attempt. On each one of those days, I have regretted that I did not succeed. And the worst part of it all is that there is no sign that I am approaching another such window in the foreseeable future; I estimate my chances of surviving this year to be at 95%.

Of course, I have, in a sense, "gotten better." My soul is, on average, lighter, though I still have some really bad days, and I don't feel the constant weight of a thousand bricks bearing down on me, draining the life out of me and leaving me too exhausted to even contemplate living another day. Yet I still want to die. Suicide is always on my mind. I even have a spreadsheet with my plan ready to go, with a formula for the dates so that I can enter any CTB date and the dates for the tasks I need to do will automatically update.



My biggest fear is that I will either remain at this tolerable level of suffering, or that I will even get better (which makes me wonder if I should start purposely creating suffering for myself in order to avoid that), and I will never have another chance to CTB. And I don't want to live out another 60 years on this earth. My story ended last year, and the ending was perfect. Now I've just been writing the epilogue, and so much time has passed, and continues to pass, that I fear one day, the epilogue will become longer than the book itself...

Does anyone else have this fear? Do you think it's realistic, or do you think you'll eventually get your chance again?

 

[Apathy79]

You fear that you'll get better because it will increase your survival instinct?

That's probably a sign of spending too much time on here!

I'd say you'll get the window again if life gets bad enough to warrant it again. And even then, I'd be hesitant about taking it if it seems temporary. In the meantime, keep writing your life story. At least that's the way I approach it personally. I'm only catching the bus as a last resort.

 

[TAW122]

Sometimes I worried that back in 2020 or so, when the pandemic hit and my living arrangement and circumstances in life changed. I too, don't wish to be stuck for 60+ more years of sentience (or longer), and I think 2019 or even end of that year was the best time, but unfortunately, I took the gamble and lived through the pandemic as well as other events. While there are some fleeting joys in sentience, it doesn't make up for the vast majority of mundane times and periods of hardship (with many more to come in the years), I'm still vying for the right time and circumstance to finally go on my own terms. I don't foresee that in the coming years or even next decade that assisted suicide would be available for most of us (maybe for the terminally ill and in some cases, chronically physically ill).

 

[NoIdeaForAUsername]

I feel like i permanently missed my chance to live a great life, because my only friend and co-worker in a buisness we made just fuckin died. Meeting him and going to work with him was like a new life for me after a decade of losing everything in my life, i was thinking like my old life just ended and im entering a new chapter, which will be awesome compared to previous 10 years.

And he fuckin died XD, 24 yo guy just dies. No more friend, no more buisness, all that work to the drain. Life literally mocks me

 

[Dyingoportunity]

I've talked about it a few times on here, but yes. this feeling is what drove me to join this site. I am several years behind what a millennial should be, and a lot of it is because I lack the courage to break away from being condition to ignore my needs and destroy myself for the sake of others, and because I'm terrified of change. Even the things I couldn't change have played a part in my ahedonia and diminishing motivation to better myself.

 

[Namelesa]

I do worry that I have missed any chance of being able to ctb anytime soon as my parents won't allow me any freedom to go outside on my own nor can I can buy something like SN as they will get it first cus of my previous suicide attempts where I tried to run away from them to find a tall building as I don't know how I supposed to build their trust up again to allow me go. I guess at some point I will be able to when they are die but that still probably going to be 20 more years of me not being allowed to even have the chance at being able to die.

 

[zengiraffe]

I even have a spreadsheet with my plan ready to go, with a formula for the dates so that I can enter any CTB date and the dates for the tasks I need to do will automatically update.

This sounds like it's part of the underlying problem preventing you from going through with it. You're an over-planner. I can relate because I'm also an over-planner. I have a bunch of rules I try to follow in timing my exit, stuff like:

• has to be on a Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday
• has to be between 10am and 3pm
• can't be on a holiday
• etc

But honestly, how much of that stuff really matters? There's nothing actually stopping me from doing it at 3am on a Sunday. The main thing I've gotten from all of my failed attempts and false starts is that I just need to learn to let go. All these extra rules and requirements are just obstacles I put in my own way. Being a suicidal over-planner is the worst combo.

 

[alwaysalone]

Personally for me i don't feel like there is an opportune time that I should/can die. I honestly believe that when i really want to my mind will over come any desire not to or survival instinct. I've been very close a few times.

 

[Sharethepain]

Not permanently per say but about 7 months ago I missed the chance to die on a 10 year anniversary of dating my first ex, that would have been a perfect date to end the cycle with something that began the downwards spiral.

Another chance will always come, since everything is a cycle. I do also tend to focus on sentimental dates, it feels kinda pointless to die on a random day, I´d rather die on someones bday or mine, or at the last day of the year or the very first, you only get to die once, so might as well make that day special.

Also on another note I do relate to that "epilogue" sentiment, ever since I tried to kill myself for the first time I´ve called that part of my life afterwards an epilogue in my head, problem is it has gone on for far too long, so I´ve also gone with curtain call arc after the epilogue and such, since its kinda comical.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

While there are some fleeting joys in sentience, it doesn't make up for the vast majority of mundane times and periods of hardship (with many more to come in the years). I'm still vying for the right time and circumstance to finally go on my own terms.

Yeah, this is what really gets me; none of what I've lived through in the past year has been worth it. Some "good" things have happened--I eventually entered a kind of "situationship" with the aforementioned person and have now had nearly all my romantic "firsts," which I never imagined happening in my lifetime--but they have all come with downsides; the bad has far outweighed the good, both in quantity and intensity.

For you, do you have a clear idea of what would be the "right time and circumstance"?

This sounds like it's part of the underlying problem preventing you from going through with it. You're an over-planner. I can relate because I'm also an over-planner. I have a bunch of rules I try to follow in timing my exit, stuff like:

• has to be on a Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday
• has to be between 10am and 3pm
• can't be on a holiday
• etc

But honestly, how much of that stuff really matters? There's nothing actually stopping me from doing it at 3am on a Sunday. The main thing I've gotten from all of my failed attempts and false starts is that I just need to learn to let go. All these extra rules and requirements are just obstacles I put in my own way. Being a suicidal over-planner is the worst combo.

I definitely relate to all this haha, I've had those same kinds of thoughts about the timing. That might be partially why I missed my opportunity, because I spent so much time planning planning planning, thinking thinking thinking. It's telling that that first attempt I made (which was where I got closest to success) was actually a plan I had hastily scrapped together within a span of about four hours after an unexpected obstacle prevented me from going through with my Plan A. It was an almost total apathy that allowed me to go through with it.

 

[stuckintheceiling]

i don't relate to that fear but i might relate to some other aspects like - i feel like my life continuing so long and so out of control has just been gross, and if i died when i was younger, the event of my life would've been like - idk, cleaner i guess, feel less like a natural disaster and more like an idyllic "sad" story. also i don't want to cope better either. - it's complicated (and i'm simplifying it) but it's partially because - i just think my life is gross and unnecessary; - like there's this sense of wrongness that i feel like is my like fundamental trait as a person, that probably will be a main reason i'll kms, but i don't want to lose it either because without the sense of wrongness - it's just , more wrong. i'll have moments where i don't have the presence of the idk all-consuming wrongness as strong, and those moments feel the most incorrect. and in the end i have nothing else to do in my shitty empty head than to return to it anyway even if i get distracted. not really the same as your stiuation but eh

 

[SomewhatLoved]

Yeah, I think maybe I experienced something similar too. I've been depressed and passively suicidal my whole life, but Fall 2024 I had a period where I was actively suicidal, at one point only 8 days or so away from ending my life. Now it feels like it's back to how it was before. Even at the time I knew I could maybe get through that episode, but I knew if I got through it it didn't mean things would be good - it meant things would be how they were before. I was exactly right.

I worry I'm going to live the rest of my life depressed, but not depressed enough to kill myself.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

i don't relate to that fear but i might relate to some other aspects like - i feel like my life continuing so long and so out of control has just been gross, and if i died when i was younger, the event of my life would've been like - idk, cleaner i guess, feel less like a natural disaster and more like an idyllic "sad" story. also i don't want to cope better either. - it's complicated (and i'm simplifying it) but it's partially because - i just think my life is gross and unnecessary; - like there's this sense of wrongness that i feel like is my like fundamental trait as a person, that probably will be a main reason i'll kms, but i don't want to lose it either because without the sense of wrongness - it's just , more wrong. i'll have moments where i don't have the presence of the idk all-consuming wrongness as strong, and those moments feel the most incorrect. and in the end i have nothing else to do in my shitty empty head than to return to it anyway even if i get distracted. not really the same as your stiuation but eh

"Gross and unnecessary" is a good way to put it. In many ways I now feel like a "cosmic mistake," like my very existence is a blight on the universe. My continued presence here is somehow "wrong," as you said, and there's a crackling, static-y dissonance every time I think about it. And I particularly relate to this line: "i don't want to lose it either because without the sense of wrongness - it's just , more wrong"