Venting Does anyone else want to cry or get sad when they think about ctb?

[Squiddy]

Was close to breaking down at work today. My ADHD med was doing quite well for the past few days and I actually felt like I could do things for once and felt somewhat focused. I took it today, no effect at all. The ones I've tried in the past didn't really have an effect at all. This all feels like some kind of sick, cruel joke. Actually having hope and being fooled yet again to think things were getting better. My therapist and psych think that I'm getting better, but honestly, I'm just getting worse and hope one day, I can ctb. Idk, maybe it was what I ate 40 minutes before taking it (half of a sandwich with hot pepper sauce).

Maybe I'm on my way because my eating disorder has been acting up again and I've lost a ton of weight and am getting closer and closer to being underweight. I think one of my co workers gave me a concerned look last night when they saw me, but idk honestly since I'm terrible at reading facial expressions.

I also dropped so many things today and one even hit me in my mouth (luckily they weren't breakable things).

When I think about ctb, I get sad about it because I genuinely want it to improve, but I'm starting to believe it can't

 

[DarkNearDeath]

Everytime

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

It feels impossible but it's the only solution

 

[Jrmull1993]

It's the opposite for me, thinking about my early exit puts me at ease.

 

[Why Me?]

When I visualize it, I start crying, which makes me think I would probably start crying if I actually try to do it which would be in a public place (jumping in a mall), but I don't see another way if things don't get better. I cry, because I think CTB is having your life end in tragedy, because obviously it's so terrible & hopeless you feel it's the only way for peace.

 

[LeapOfFaith]

I used to get sad about it. But I have had these thoughts for so long now, years and years. I have grown so accustomed to them so now I just feel calm when I think about it. I feel like I have a choice. Only time I get sad is when I start to visualize my loved ones finding my body and having to cope with the fact that I decided to leave them behind. I am lucky in the sense I have people that cares for me. But then again that makes it harder to go though with it... so lucky or unlucky I do not know.

I have actually played with the thought of being an asshole to make people hate me.. just to make it easier for them when I am gone.

 

[MetroTransit]

It has been years since I cried from sadness, until I wrote a suicide letter to those close to me . Even seeing my dog for what I thought was the last time made me break down and to her it was just another night. She was hoping I had treats for her. The thought of it does sometimes get to me, especially knowing how much it would hurt those around me. I don't cry for myself really I cry for others. I'm not worthy of much sympathy really. Sometimes when I think about it I still tear up a bit.

 

[JealousOfTheElderly]

I don't get sad or cry when I think of CTBing. I get sad and cry when I think of the choices I made that got me to this point. I have one big regret in life and there's no coming back from this regret. I am a shell of who I used to be ten years ago. I don't want to suffer in my old age with my medical condition either.
I feel at peace when I think of CTBing.

 

[Squiddy]

When I visualize it, I start crying, which makes me think I would probably start crying if I actually try to do it which would be in a public place (jumping in a mall), but I don't see another way if things don't get better. I cry, because I think CTB is having your life end in tragedy, because obviously it's so terrible & hopeless you feel it's the only way for peace.

Same :( I'm trying so hard to improve, but no success

I don't get sad or cry when I think of CTBing. I get sad and cry when I think of the choices I made that got me to this point. I have one big regret in life and theres no coming back from thus regret. I am a shell of who I used to be ten years ago. I don't want to suffer in my old age with my medical condition either.
I feel at peace when I think of CTBing.

I feel this. I used to have so much potential before my cognitive issues and other mental health issues got to me a few years ago. After that, my life basically ended. I can't see myself getting another job as no one wants an employee with a terrible short term memory and problems communicating with people. If I can't find a job that doesn't deal with those, this might be the end of the road for me

If you don't mind me asking, what medical condition do you have? :(

 

[JealousOfTheElderly]

If you don't mind me asking, what medical condition do you have? :(

I live in chronic pain and need surgery.
I'm also a high functioning alcoholic.

 

[Hollowillow]

Was close to breaking down at work today. My ADHD med was doing quite well for the past few days and I actually felt like I could do things for once and felt somewhat focused. I took it today, no effect at all. The ones I've tried in the past didn't really have an effect at all. This all feels like some kind of sick, cruel joke. Actually having hope and being fooled yet again to think things were getting better. My therapist and psych think that I'm getting better, but honestly, I'm just getting worse and hope one day, I can ctb. Idk, maybe it was what I ate 40 minutes before taking it (half of a sandwich with hot pepper sauce).

Maybe I'm on my way because my eating disorder has been acting up again and I've lost a ton of weight and am getting closer and closer to being underweight. I think one of my co workers gave me a concerned look last night when they saw me, but idk honestly since I'm terrible at reading facial expressions.

I also dropped so many things today and one even hit me in my mouth (luckily they weren't breakable things).

When I think about ctb, I get sad about it because I genuinely want it to improve, but I'm starting to believe it can't

Of course... When I made a mini attempt by trying a medication knowing they tend to kill me, I cried telling my body that I was sorry. I didn't get the worst side effect, but just 1 pill made me sicker... As usual.

I have a theory about adhd

Attention deficit. It can be caused by anemia. Lack of b viramins to make the red blood cells that carry oxygen. I take supplements, I have a hard time eating (it's in meat, hard boiled eggs are quick. I love chicken ).

Hyperactivity. That sounds like sugar ang grains. I even avoid potatoes.

I have reactive hypoglycemia. Imagine a sugar allergy. I get a high then a crash

Feeding kids sugary ceteals with no vitamin b for nerves & energy, no c for calm & heal everything, no magnesium which relaxes us otherwise it can make ys feel lonely & suicidal... The food supply is a crime against children. Drugging starved kids high on caffeine from colas... That's an abomination

I wonder if you'd feel better on a severe strict natural diet of fresh meat (not hot dogs), veggies & fruits. No grains, no cola just water... With supplements of b,c,mg

It helped me until I washed everything I own with a toxic acid vinegar that I can't tolerate & might be allergic to...

Try to avoid acidic foods...

The standard american diet accronym is .. sad

I don't get sad or cry when I think of CTBing. I get sad and cry when I think of the choices I made that got me to this point. I have one big regret in life and there's no coming back from this regret. I am a shell of who I used to be ten years ago. I don't want to suffer in my old age with my medical condition either.
I feel at peace when I think of CTBing.

I feel you .. how can I cope with my shame of ruining my rare chances in life?

Same :( I'm trying so hard to improve, but no success


I feel this. I used to have so much potential before my cognitive issues and other mental health issues got to me a few years ago. After that, my life basically ended. I can't see myself getting another job as no one wants an employee with a terrible short term memory and problems communicating with people. If I can't find a job that doesn't deal with those, this might be the end of the road for me

If you don't mind me asking, what medical condition do you have? :(

Wow we're so alike. I got hit by a car, poisonned by my own home. Mold, smoke... But I poisonned my new home with cleaners. I was so scared of mold... I gassed myself... Everything is soaked with acid... Can't undo ... Just going to pee burns like mad due to fumes from pouring my water .. wtf vinegar...

Same :( I'm trying so hard to improve, but no success


I feel this. I used to have so much potential before my cognitive issues and other mental health issues got to me a few years ago. After that, my life basically ended. I can't see myself getting another job as no one wants an employee with a terrible short term memory and problems communicating with people. If I can't find a job that doesn't deal with those, this might be the end of the road for me

If you don't mind me asking, what medical condition do you have? :(

Wow we're so alike. I got hit by a car, poisonned by my own home. Mold, smoke... But I poisonned my new home with cleaners. I was so scared of mold... I gassed myself... Everything is soaked with acid... Can't undo ... Just going to pee burns like mad due to fumes from pouring my water .. wtf vinegar...

 

[setoursailsagain]

Thinking about saying goodbye to my dog and her having no clue it will be the last time she sees me gets me every time. Probably the only reason im still here tbh.

 

[WhatPowerIs]

I don't want to say goodbye. Not yet at least. Whenever I think about, it tears me up inside.

 

[castler]

I cried fairly decent last Wednesday nite and hadn't had my weekly dosage of beer in me beforehand to numb me out. But I was crying about the simple fact women in particular make me feel soo uncomfortable to be out in public like I can't even "risk" looking at one for 2sec, I have to avoid eye contact and stare at the ground otherwise they might scream visual assault on me IDK. Just sucks I feel the need to CTB in order to not deal with that anymore, but wish I lived in a remote area, I h8 the citi life.

 

[inconsequential_]

It doesn't really make me sad, it makes me feel calm/relaxed. I'm so tired - mentally, spiritually, emotionally; I'm in a crippling amount of pain, and I'm just done. I am closer to having a date set, and every time I think about it, I feel more at peace.

 

[MetroTransit]

The immense peace after a definite day is approaching is insane. The week before I planned and doing it and was certain I wanted it all of my problems disappeared for that bit. Unfortunately I didn't have it in me to get rid of those problems. Few bouts of sadness when thinking of others but I was relieved for myself.

 

[Squiddy]

Of course... When I made a mini attempt by trying a medication knowing they tend to kill me, I cried telling my body that I was sorry. I didn't get the worst side effect, but just 1 pill made me sicker... As usual.

I have a theory about adhd

Attention deficit. It can be caused by anemia. Lack of b viramins to make the red blood cells that carry oxygen. I take supplements, I have a hard time eating (it's in meat, hard boiled eggs are quick. I love chicken ).

Hyperactivity. That sounds like sugar ang grains. I even avoid potatoes.

I have reactive hypoglycemia. Imagine a sugar allergy. I get a high then a crash

Feeding kids sugary ceteals with no vitamin b for nerves & energy, no c for calm & heal everything, no magnesium which relaxes us otherwise it can make ys feel lonely & suicidal... The food supply is a crime against children. Drugging starved kids high on caffeine from colas... That's an abomination

I wonder if you'd feel better on a severe strict natural diet of fresh meat (not hot dogs), veggies & fruits. No grains, no cola just water... With supplements of b,c,mg

It helped me until I washed everything I own with a toxic acid vinegar that I can't tolerate & might be allergic to...

Try to avoid acidic foods...

The standard american diet accronym is .. sad

I feel you .. how can I cope with my shame of ruining my rare chances in life?

Wow we're so alike. I got hit by a car, poisonned by my own home. Mold, smoke... But I poisonned my new home with cleaners. I was so scared of mold... I gassed myself... Everything is soaked with acid... Can't undo ... Just going to pee burns like mad due to fumes from pouring my water .. wtf vinegar...

Wow we're so alike. I got hit by a car, poisonned by my own home. Mold, smoke... But I poisonned my new home with cleaners. I was so scared of mold... I gassed myself... Everything is soaked with acid... Can't undo ... Just going to pee burns like mad due to fumes from pouring my water .. wtf vinegar...

I might try to change my diet

It doesn't really make me sad, it makes me feel calm/relaxed. I'm so tired - mentally, spiritually, emotionally; I'm in a crippling amount of pain, and I'm just done. I am closer to having a date set, and every time I think about it, I feel more at peace.

I do feel a slight sense of peace about no longer having to suffer in this hell anymore. I hope that you're able to find peace in whatever you decide to do :(

I don't want to say goodbye. Not yet at least. Whenever I think about, it tears me up inside.

I feel this :( I really am trying my best to improve, but nothing is working and I'm tired

 

[Rounded Apathy]

I honestly think no one, or practically no one, wants to die as a first line option. I'm extrapolating based on my own experiences, but those of us who can remember good times would love for things to again be like that. Those who've never had them, most likely I expect they see others having them, and/or can imagine them...but for both groups, it either is or very convincingly seems impossible for that to be the case. And it's bad enough that simply being the agent in the cessation of our own existence has become a viable option; the antithesis of biological imperative.

That is a very sad thing. More and more I suddenly notice myself at the bottom of a deep dive, and briefly get slightly pulled back up just by the sheer sorrow I feel from being where I am. Feeling shitty about feeling shitty.

 

[Hollowillow]

I might try to change my diet


I do feel a slight sense of peace about no longer having to suffer in this hell anymore. I hope that you're able to find peace in whatever you decide to do :(


I feel this :( I really am trying my best to improve, but nothing is working and I'm tired

Might has 2 meanings. Maybe & POWER.

Thank you for embracing the power of maybe.

Knowing that the universe is made of infinite quantum possibilities... It could create a new universe.

I had a good day yesterday. I embraced the power of maybe too.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Started thinking about the wording I would put in a note today and that got me sad. I guess because I have grieved a lot for loved ones who have passed on. Any death is sad- I suspect suicide probably feels worse because people will realise how unhappy you were in your life too. It's hard to come up with the words to try and stop the grief really.

I don't really know if I'm sad for me. I'm sad that I was born in the first place certainly. My Mum really wanted children but she died when I was 3. Just feels such a waste that she died and I survived.

Actually having a good old sob now. Haven't had alcohol for a few years but fancied some tonight- think it's relaxed me enough to let it all out.

 

[jodes2]

Sometimes it helps, sometimes I get sad thinking about who I'll be leaving behind to grieve. I wish I could go without hurting anyone because I don't mind throwing my life away. I feel bad that I'll be robbing my brother of a brother for the rest of his life. And I don't know how long my gf would take to recover, she really hangs onto bad events

 

[Hope:-)]

Yes. I don't want to go through dying, but I can't do it anymore. I'm devastated,

 

[flagmaster]

I don't get sad / scared over my choice of leaving life prematurely (before something else kills me)

I do get sad thinking about my loved ones having to deal with it all. I just hope they can find a glimpse of peace knowing that I'm not hurting anymore.

The reason I'm here is now is because I'm not irrational. I've sorted life insurance so the mortgage is covered. I'll have notes addressed to those I care about so there is closure for them and so they know there wasn't anything they could of done to 'save' me.

In my head, it all makes sense. To others it will be statistically recorded as another tragedy. So it's a process of explaining myself. It won't solve everything but it might make things a little clearer for people.

We all have an expiration date. The problem with society is that it attempts to extend it well beyond the point of having any quality of life left..
I think it's a beautiful right, having that choice to go, when we're ready.

We are accountable for our own lives. :)

 

[Sammie]

It's the opposite for me, thinking about my early exit puts me at ease.

same, this life makes me so sad and upset....the though of leaving helps my anxiety and I just wish I could now.. If I could I so would have and I need to get my shit together so that I can make it happen....it's going to be a process.

 

[Lost Magic]

I had a massive crying fit today. I feel closer than ever to catching the bus.

 

[BipolarExpress]

I don't cry easily, but I've been on the verge of crying to think about how my friends will react after I've died. I also think about all the things I'll never accomplish because my brain is so broken that it's ready to self-destruct. It's a tragic end to a once-promising life, and I don't know how to process it all. Suicide is a lonely pursuit.