Venting Does anyone else struggle to participate?

[Finis Autem Spero]

Hey all.

I've just joined SS yesterday and I've tried responding to a few threads on here, but I find that it feels pointless to even try. Even where I have replied, I've got this constant urge to just fucking delete it. I haven't even finished typing this out and I just want to erase it all and not bother. It's not that it's just here either; every other social media platform I've been on is littered with thoughts I've typed out and then discarded. Hell, I have the same urges IRL, except I can't delete what I've said so I just sit here regretting ever opening up to anyone in the slightest.

I know that this is one of the few places where people might understand me, yet I still hesitate and feel like too much of an outsider to bother. I've opened the Introduction thread several times just to try and say hi and I keep closing it again.

If you do experience this, how do you manage to not delete shit after?

 

[1DayItWillBover]

I'll make a post then re-read it then it would sound so fucking stupid to me that i delete it. then i go back to browsing other topics

 

[Soulless_Angel]

I used to feel like this esp if people have commented already, what I want to say. Most times now I skim read through myself in say what I'm thinking and run. I do feel that contributing to this forum at times is pointless for me as there as some very intelligent people on here!!

 

[YukiFox]

Perhaps isn't the proper forum for it, but I use this forum as a socializing site. I feel secure here to rant or vent and share my worries. I had longer inactivity periods because I tried to convince myself that death isn't worth it and focus on my job and gender transition instead (I'm planning to live as trans woman as soon as possible) but constantly I miss to talk about suicide here, so I visit again despite I don't have any date on mind. So feel free to talk here under the forum rules. Welcome to the community.

 

[PartingGlass]

I know how exactly how you feel, because I used to be like that myself. I would have struggled to participate here in the past, but I don't care anymore. I say whatever I want, even if I think it sounds dumb because I want it off my chest and I know I'm among good folk here. I love it here.

 

[Hollow]

I can absolutely relate to this. I think it's because a lot of people who are depressed tend to overthink and get OCD about their actions. You constantly ruminate about how to say something perfectly. There's a proverb; "What you say is important, but how you say it is even more important." However, you have to start somewhere.

 

[BlueWidow]

I also struggled to participate when I first joined, but as @PartingGlass just said, I now just say what I want. Sometimes I go back and look at it and it seems stupid, but I just say whatever I want to anyway. If people don't like it, they don't have to read it.

I do know it can be intimidating when you first start though. There are lots of wonderful and non-judgemental people on here though, so just keep posting. I can't speak for other people, but I do notice it when someone's name is missing for a while. Of course, many people come and go. That's the nature of this site. It's always sad when someone ctb, but I just always hope they found relief from their suffering. It's when someone's name just disappears without notice that I wonder what happened to them.
Of course, I can't read everybody's posts on here because there are so many, but I try to read as many as I can. I feel like if people took the time to post, then someone should at least read it and make a comment. I made a comment a while back that it upsets me when I see a thread that no one has responded to. If I see one, I try to respond if I can. I think most people on here just want some acknowledgment. They probably aren't getting that IRL, which is why they're here.

 

[Xaphous]

Yeah I just deleted a post because its so awful to read back and feels bad. I don't like you can't delete older posts. I vent because of isolation and all my venting relates to it. When I have nowhere to express anything why should it matter though.

 

[Morphinekiss]

I feel this way a lot and tend to just stick to the off topic threads. The way I see it is we're (mostly) all a bunch of lonely people wanting connections, but so used to being isolated we don't know how to reach out and make one

 

[Epsilon0]

Hello Finis Autem Spero!

Thank you for being so honest and open about your feelings! I am also a new member, albeit a long time reader. When I posted my first couple of messages I second-guessed myself and felt the impulse to edit them. But then I thought, oh to hell with this nonsense, I am not applying for a job, or filling in a college application! It is just a message board! And a very open, permissive and inclusive such!

So my best advice to you is this: don't overthink it, simply say what you mean and mean what you say. I am sure even newbies such as ourselves will find a place here eventually.

And by the way, really cool avatar photo! This truly is THE number one achievement of 2019 in astronomy: photographing the region around a black hole.

 

[mediocre]

yes my social skills are awful. I find I post a lot of comments and mostly say the same thing because I'm not clever enough to come up with something new to say. That's why people get bored with me and a lot of the time stop talking to me because I'm bringing nothing to the conversation.

 

[Finis Autem Spero]

Thanks for all the replies! I'm glad to see it's not just me and I'll try to push past it more here.

Incidentally, as I posted this thread the webserver seemed to have some issues and I thought it hadn't posted since the site wouldn't load for hours. I couldn't help but laugh at the apparent irony of this post being eaten by a server crash.

 

[Skathon]

If you do experience this, how do you manage to not delete shit after?

How do I what? I strike through it usually edit my messages until they are perfec... relatively acceptable.

 

[BlessedOffal]

I cringe every time I post something. I regret my in the moment username. Even when I feel like I'm responding to someone out of kindness and support, I'll delete it.

My only solution is exposure therapy. So, I'm trying. But yesterday I wrote something idiotic and am beating myself up for it. A couple of months ago I wrote something even more idiotic and I didn't comment again until recently.

Interesting to see we're not alone.

 

[k75]

When I first joined it happened to me all the time. I never intended to stick around here. I was just doing research, and I was determined to perfect my method and be done with it. But slowly I started posting and I made a few really nice friends and just started connecting more. It all just got easier naturally, but I still delete far more than I ever post.

 

[Deleted member 1496]

Seeing how so many people are able to post repeatedly, it didn't hit me that others had this online issue. It usually takes me hours to compose something, and most of the time, I'm not able to even finish, so it never gets posted. I've gotten to the point that I don't even login to try. Thanks for posting.

IRL, I don't participate anymore because I'm forgettable. I don't mean that I've stopped communicating and people have forgotten me. I mean I've sat at a table, and they'd forget I was there. Or I'd be the only one of a group not invited to a gathering because the host forgot about me. Or they'd do an activity and tell me they'll send me the info because it was so fun--when I was the one that sent them the info, asking if they wanted to go. "Why bother" runs through my mind a lot.

 

[Finis Autem Spero]

Seeing how so many people are able to post repeatedly, it didn't hit me that others had this online issue. It usually takes me hours to compose something, and most of the time, I'm not able to even finish, so it never gets posted. I've gotten to the point that I don't even login to try. Thanks for posting.

IRL, I don't participate anymore because I'm forgettable. I don't mean that I've stopped communicating and people have forgotten me. I mean I've sat at a table, and they'd forget I was there. Or I'd be the only one of a group not invited to a gathering because the host forgot about me. Or they'd do an activity and tell me they'll send me the info because it was so fun--when I was the one that sent them the info, asking if they wanted to go. "Why bother" runs through my mind a lot.

I get you. I hate feeling invisible or being ignored. I reckon that's likely what started my reluctance to participate in conversations.

The fuck? I got "This message is awaiting moderator approval, and is invisible to normal visitors." posting in my own thread? Oh well, more reason to be reluctant to post it seems.

 

[Moonicide]

I used to struggle as well, but what really got me out of my shell was the fact I wanted to comfort people during their final moments. Or to bring hope to someone that needs it... We all want to be heard and if my response can convey that, then that's all I ever wanted. I'll be ctbing this month and I just want to give all the love and support I have while I'm still present. It's silly, but even if my messages get piled, there's a part of me that wants to be remembered until the very end.

 

[passenger27]

I don't participate for the most part except here & there. I don't start threads or anything. The problem for me I think is I have agoraphobia in "real life" & it carries onto social media. I'm even worse on Facebook. I very rarely say anything at all, I stay trapped in this shell of agoraphobia.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

Yes. I don't think I have ever even started a thread. Sometimes I'll go to type something and then just delete it for various reasons. Apathy has really effected my ability to put together lots of coherent thoughts.

 

[Flume]

Hey all.

I've just joined SS yesterday and I've tried responding to a few threads on here, but I find that it feels pointless to even try. Even where I have replied, I've got this constant urge to just fucking delete it. I haven't even finished typing this out and I just want to erase it all and not bother. It's not that it's just here either; every other social media platform I've been on is littered with thoughts I've typed out and then discarded. Hell, I have the same urges IRL, except I can't delete what I've said so I just sit here regretting ever opening up to anyone in the slightest.

I know that this is one of the few places where people might understand me, yet I still hesitate and feel like too much of an outsider to bother. I've opened the Introduction thread several times just to try and say hi and I keep closing it again.

If you do experience this, how do you manage to not delete shit after?

Well I feel exactly the same so you are not alone.

 

[voyager]

Same, really. I'd have a far higher post count if I wouldn't tinker, delay and delete them so much. Also, by the time I do finish some posts someone has usually already said what I wanted to or the thread has disappeared and I don't want to bother anyone by digging it out again. But most topics tend to rerun on a weekly basis anyhow, so one can usually contribute to the new thread - or not. I too have many faults as a poster, I second guess everything, don't always get to the point, tend to ramble and more. But really it doesn't matter. Just say what you like. No one's gonna judge you and we're really a hive mind anyway, so someone's bound to relate to what you wrote. Just don't mention trains, that got me in trouble a couple of times.

 

[irrelevant_string]

Yes, that's why I usually only comment on technical subjects online. There's not an ounce of creativity in me and my subjective experience doesn't provide anything of value to anyone, including myself most of the time.

Here's a possible thought process that I go through:

Should I be supportive?
Perhaps I would if it didn't always seem ingenuine. It's easy to write a post online where you can use emojis to easily make it seem nice and well-intentioned but would I do the same if we actually knew each other offline? We'd likely never give each other a moment's notice.
Besides, there are others who are better at it. I barely have an ability to put myself in another's shoes and understand what it's like to be in their situation unless it's similar to mine.

Should I share my personal experiences? What experiences do I even have that I can describe in a manner that's relatable and helpful to others? None.

Should I engage in intellectual conversations?
But who am I to even think that I can come up with an original thought or idea that's worth something and not unpopular for a good reason? And what's the point of constantly parroting those that I deem intellectually superior? Should I be praised for others' virtues? They're surely not mine.

But that's just me - unsocialized boken trash.
If I were sober I wouldn't even have written this probably. Maybe I'll forget that I wrote it soon.

 

[Skyview]

Without you there is no forum !
Go with the flow , having a bad day , then start a vent thread and lay it all out , be surprised how many others have been through the same situation. We are all on different time zones so replies are varied.
Ask questions, you will definitely get a response .

 

[Finis Autem Spero]

I don't participate for the most part except here & there. I don't start threads or anything. The problem for me I think is I have agoraphobia in "real life" & it carries onto social media. I'm even worse on Facebook. I very rarely say anything at all, I stay trapped in this shell of agoraphobia.

Huh, I have some degree of agoraphobia and I never thought about it like that but I can see how it might be related.

Yes, that's why I usually only comment on technical subjects online. There's not an ounce of creativity in me and my subjective experience doesn't provide anything of value to anyone, including myself most of the time.

Here's a possible thought process that I go through:

Should I be supportive?
Perhaps I would if it didn't always seem ingenuine. It's easy to write a post online where you can use emojis to easily make it seem nice and well-intentioned but would I do the same if we actually knew each other offline? We'd likely never give each other a moment's notice.
Besides, there are others who are better at it. I barely have an ability to put myself in another's shoes and understand what it's like to be in their situation unless it's similar to mine.

Should I share my personal experiences? What experiences do I even have that I can describe in a manner that's relatable and helpful to others? None.

Should I engage in intellectual conversations?
But who am I to even think that I can come up with an original thought or idea that's worth something and not unpopular for a good reason? And what's the point of constantly parroting those that I deem intellectually superior? Should I be praised for others' virtues? They're surely not mine.

But that's just me - unsocialized boken trash.
If I were sober I wouldn't even have written this probably. Maybe I'll forget that I wrote it soon.

And yet, you've been supportive, shared your personal experience with the subject and intellectually conveyed your thoughts in this exact post and I'm glad for it!

 

[notjustyetagain]

I've just joined SS yesterday and I've tried responding to a few threads on here, but I find that it feels pointless to even try. Even where I have replied, I've got this constant urge to just fucking delete it. If you do experience this, how do you manage to not delete shit after?

i can relate very much. i'm on this forum a lot... and i write a lot... about 5% of what i reply to gets posted and isn't deleted. especially when it comes to supportive posts. i don't have the right or authority to think i can help anyone, i'm so fucking dysfunctional that the very idea is ridiculous. it's only the fact that the ability to delete messages disappears after a time that any of my posts remain. i've wanted to go back and delete everything i've written every day. if i could just start again, from a clean slate, maybe i'd get things right, maybe i'd write something that felt meaningful or real, maybe -- given the chance to freshly reinvent myself -- my posts would reflect something genuine.

but i'm so unsure about my own identity that everything feels fraudulent. i can't relate to anything i write after i've written it. i don't even know where it comes from -- there's no fixed "me" as a source. i'm a bunch of ignorances bound together with lapses in judgement. it's these lapses that leave rare posts behind, so i want to apologise for everything i've written. i want to connect to people, and to express the connection i feel to others in a way that validates them... but my state of mind is so unstable that by the time i've finished a post, i've changed too much to consider my sentiments authentic or even coherent, and that whatever connection may have existed is obsolete because i'm already somebody else.

it extends into real life for me too; i'm almost silent because i loathe everything that comes out of my mouth.

the kicker? i'm so insignificant that the idea of my input having any impact -- positive or negative -- seem ludicrous, so there's no point to any of this neurotic plate-spinning. and, as @irrelevant_string said, there are many members who are actually good at at being supportive and adding useful/informative/funny/meaningful content to threads, so why should i bother? i'll feel the same about this post, because i feel like this is all wrong already.

fuck it all.

 

[262653]

Heya!

Damn all these posts are so relatable. "We have to start somewhere." Good point.... I wanted to bring that method of finding out square roots as the analogy but I forgot the word for it... Anyways, hi everyone. Alright, something is written. I shouted at the forum and feel better about myself, somewhat.

* "Why bother when there's someone actually good at that." Also a good point. Time is limited. We can't afford to spend it on everyone, so someone has to be ignored.

** Damn these posts are so relatable I want to stretch my arms like that rubber guy from Fantastic Four and hug you all, forming a giant lump of flesh.

*** I feel like it was low effort post. Are low effort posts are prohibited here? I'm too thrifty when it comes to energy consumption, so I can't be bothered to read the local rules...

 

[Deleted member 1496]

The fuck? I got "This message is awaiting moderator approval, and is invisible to normal visitors." posting in my own thread? Oh well, more reason to be reluctant to post it seems.

I see it and can see you're subsequent post. Though maybe I'm not a "normal visitor" :)

finding out square roots as the analogy but I forgot the word for it

Long Division! I can't remember how to do it, but I remember having to do it.

 

[262653]

Long Division! I can't remember how to do it, but I remember having to do it.

I googled it up and I don't think it's the one. The one is used to find out square roots for numbers like 87 and 19. Each time you make a guess and test it, you get to see if it's lower or higher than the actual root, which allows you to make increasingly more accurate guesses each time you test them. That's why I thought of this analogy. When you write stuff, you can think about it and finds ways to improve, or others can talk about it and point out at potential flaws. And the more you write, the more ways of improving may appear before you.

* Analogy isn't perfect of course. There may be downsides for doing stuff. Learning affects behavior, and sometimes we develop bad habits out of ignorance. I only recently learned that it's is not its, and I'm still trying to overwrite my habit of writing 'it's' in all cases. Think of a young and healthy guy getting through the mud river with minor inconveniences, but it gets increasingly more difficult as he gets old and weary, and eventually he may become stuck in the mud. (Stuck with one's own habits so much that one is unable to change anymore.)

 

[TheOA]

I always struggle with ANY degree of group activity. The thought of participating with others, whether on person or online, makes me sad. However, my desire for death is so real it gives me courage to speak up and be heard. This topic and the people I have met in my very short time here HELP me deal with life as I know it. The anonymity and being able to share what lurks in the dark recesses of my mind with minimal judgement, expectation, or "meaningful talk" is something I value. Therefore, I participate.