Does anyone else struggle to get past the fantasy stage?

[heylightiforgot]

I think my mind is seeking relief from pain -- not death (which I know is a common reason people actually kill themselves). But I find it hard to make the leap and embrace that means actual non-existence. I think that's why I'm attracted to the idea of drowning, when I have perfectly good SN at home ... because there is no fantasy surrounding SN; you ingest the poison, experience horrible side-effects, and it's game over. I associate drowning with this idea of freedom and being able to escape my prison at home. I want to dive into the water and be 'free'.

 

[hatelife]

I saw the documentary with singer professor green, his dad killed himself, it says in the seriesthat ppl often feel cornered or trapped like in a prison n want to get out thats why they kill themselves, its also very common with selfhate

 

[Soul]

@heylightiforgot, I'm sorry you're suffering and that you're contemplating these things. I'm not quite sure from your post whether or not you want to get rid of your romanticized idea of drowning; if so, I suggest you read the account of a very well-planned drowning attempt by one of the members here:

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/drowning-my-method.17545/#post-332956

 

[Final Escape]

I saw the documentary with singer professor green, his dad killed himself, it says in the seriesthat ppl often feel cornered or trapped like in a prison n want to get out thats why they kill themselves, its also very common with selfhate

This is exactly my reason, feeling trapped by circumstances but my brain works against me to get me out. Obviously problems will always be there and if u can't manage they just mount until u see no other way out. Even if I did get out or into a better situation my life is so destroyed that there's little incentive to continue.

 

[heylightiforgot]

@heylightiforgot, I'm sorry you're suffering and that you're contemplating these things. I'm not quite sure from your post whether or not you want to get rid of your romanticized idea of drowning; if so, I suggest you read the account of a very well-planned drowning attempt by one of the members here:

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/drowning-my-method.17545/#post-332956

Yeah, I'm not sure what I want either. I realize it's likely an extremely painful and difficult method to pull off. The reason I considered it was because it is the only thing that I could really pull off impulsively, and my physical helplessness works in my favor here (i.e. diving in, I wouldn't be able to save myself or return). I'm just really pain-averse and anxious and am sure it would be horrifying. But at least it's likely guaranteed. Again though, I guess this is just me mentally toying with the idea of suicide because drowning seems to be something I am still somewhat in control of .. i.e. going to the beach, getting in etc., vs the chaotic unknown of swallowing SN.

Clearly I'm craving control, not suicide/death. But my life is just so fucked. I hate this so much.

 

[LastFlowers]

I saw the documentary with singer professor green, his dad killed himself, it says in the seriesthat ppl often feel cornered or trapped like in a prison n want to get out thats why they kill themselves, its also very common with selfhate

Yes I often say I feel trapped and that my body (namely for me, the way I look) is like a prison. The rest of the world is the warden, or the free people outside my window that mock my predicament. Including family.
I want to know what it's like to be free. But I will never feel it, even in death.
It will just be an end before anything even began, save for the suffering.

 

[Soul]

Yeah, I'm not sure what I want either. I realize it's likely an extremely painful and difficult method to pull off. The reason I considered it was because it is the only thing that I could really pull off impulsively, and my physical helplessness works in my favor here (i.e. diving in, I wouldn't be able to save myself or return). I'm just really pain-averse and anxious and am sure it would be horrifying. But at least it's likely guaranteed. Again though, I guess this is just me mentally toying with the idea of suicide because drowning seems to be something I am still somewhat in control of .. i.e. going to the beach, getting in etc., vs the chaotic unknown of swallowing SN.

Clearly I'm craving control, not suicide/death. But my life is just so fucked. I hate this so much.

I feel a lot better having the necessary materials/ingredients at hand. It means I have a choice, and that makes a lot of things easier to bear.

I hope you find something that helps you. (((Hugs)))

 

[blahblah]

Yes, I'm the same way. It's the emotional pain that I can't take, the reality of being myself and having no way to change that. Life itself isn't so bad, and nature is actually full of beauty. I would like to see out my allotted span without taking a shortcut. Something interesting might happen, idk. I'm still curious. Humanity, on the other hand... lol, I mostly only see the negative, and find it hard to relate. There's just no way for me to live. It's a shame. I actually have it a lot better than most people. I wish I could give my life to someone who could make better use of it. I find it a relief to know that I won't exist - I can make it stop. But I'm terrified of taking the actual steps to make that happen. Not sure why. But it comforts me to know that it will be the last thing, the last hard thing I will ever have to do. There have been so many lately, I'm exhausted.

 

[Pony]

I was able to back in august when I made a few attempts but I accidentally got a boyfriend so now im stuck unable to try again even though I want to

 

[morningdew]

Same here. It's a prison. For me it's medical issue that keep me from being among the healthy and happy. It's like living in a different world. The only people are relate to these days are the kind understanding people here and those locked up in solitary confinement is a real prison. I watched all the "locked up" series on netflix. I found it interesting what they had to say about life and mental survival after being locked down for 23 hours a day for years.

 

[blahblah]

I watched all the "locked up" series on netflix.

I watched the movie 'room', it's pretty good... kinda has a happy ending too

 

[morningdew]

I watched the movie 'room', it's pretty good... kinda has a happy ending too

Was just thinking of what to watch. I remembering reading something about in the news. Didn't know they had made a movie.

 

[MeltingHeart]

I think my mind is seeking relief from pain -- not death (which I know is a common reason people actually kill themselves). But I find it hard to make the leap and embrace that means actual non-existence. I think that's why I'm attracted to the idea of drowning, when I have perfectly good SN at home ... because there is no fantasy surrounding SN; you ingest the poison, experience horrible side-effects, and it's game over. I associate drowning with this idea of freedom and being able to escape my prison at home. I want to dive into the water and be 'free'.

I think the romantism of drowing seems poetic somehow-like the famous painting Ophelia - sadly I have to concede, that I very much doubt that going that way would look so peaceful, it is certainly one method though- no denying that. If I had SN I know which I would choose-if it came to it.

Same here. It's a prison. For me it's medical issue that keep me from being among the healthy and happy. It's like living in a different world. The only people are relate to these days are the kind understanding people here and those locked up in solitary confinement is a real prison. I watched all the "locked up" series on netflix. I found it interesting what they had to say about life and mental survival after being locked down for 23 hours a day for years.

sometimes the mind can be its own kind of prison/ living hell

 

[I’vehadenough]

Yes I often say I feel trapped and that my body (namely for me, the way I look) is like a prison. The rest of the world is the warden, or the free people outside my window that mock my predicament. Including family.
I want to know what it's like to be free. But I will never feel it, even in death.
It will just be an end before anything even began, save for the suffering.

I feel the same way. Death is Def the better option. Everyone dies

 

[SinisterKid]

because there is no fantasy surrounding SN; you ingest the poison, experience horrible side-effects,

And what would these so called horrible side effects be? Apart from rumour and hearsay that is. The only concern I would have is throwing up and that is not a horrible side effect and it is something I can mitigate with other substances.

I wonder why SN is taking such a bashing right now, its a mystery to me. Someone even complained, yes COMPLAINED, that taking SN was almost to easy or too good to be true. C'est la vie

And no, I have been past the fantasy/ideation stage and it holds no fears for me whatsoever.

 

[deadalready]

I'm more on the latter, peaceful death.

 

[Madeye]

I think my mind is seeking relief from pain -- not death (which I know is a common reason people actually kill themselves). But I find it hard to make the leap and embrace that means actual non-existence. I think that's why I'm attracted to the idea of drowning, when I have perfectly good SN at home ... because there is no fantasy surrounding SN; you ingest the poison, experience horrible side-effects, and it's game over. I associate drowning with this idea of freedom and being able to escape my prison at home. I want to dive into the water and be 'free'.

Many times during the day and at night I think about all the steps I would need to take to ctb in the way I want. However, I rarely have the motivation to even get step 1 of packing stuff started. It sucks, I need some motivation to set my plans in motion but one of the reasons I am ctb is lack of motivation. At least I get a chuckle out of that. I do try to push myself in ways to take those steps and move into out of fantasy.

 

[Wayfaerer]

This is exactly my reason, feeling trapped by circumstances but my brain works against me to get me out. Obviously problems will always be there and if u can't manage they just mount until u see no other way out. Even if I did get out or into a better situation my life is so destroyed that there's little incentive to continue.

Exact same here. If I had a blank slate right now I wouldn't have a single suicidal fiber in my body.