Discussion Does anyone else NOT feel alone, but still want to CTB?

[Backwood_tilt]

I have a great network of friends. My family is problematic at times but they are generally supportive. I am very close with a cousin who is similar to me in age and experiences. I have a very helpful therapist, a very helpful physician (dealing with physical health issues), and i will have access to psychiatrists if i need it.

In spite of all this, i am still actively planning (and trying) to CTB. It does make me feel slightly ungrateful when i hear of how alone others feel and what not. The worst thing that happened to me besides having an incurable life altering disease is losing my partner of three years, which has absolutely broken me. But i still feel others might be envious of my circumstances, and think my wanting to CTB is selfish or unjustifiable.

Is anyone else feeling similarly?

@BlueWidow posted a great meme along the lines of "it doesn't matter how many people surround me, so long as one person's absence is felt". That's exactly how i feel....

 

[T42]

I'm the same way! Honestly things are going relatively well for me. I just don't care to live, and I never asked to be born, so why do I have to?

 

[BlueWidow]

Sometimes, one person's absence is all it can take to change your entire world. That's certainly what has happened to me since I lost my husband. The world is an entirely different place for me now than it was when he was alive, and it changed in an instant. The instant he died, everything changed. My life was gone. . . over. . . no way to get it back.

I'm sure losing your partner was and is still painful for you, and if you're battling an incurable life-altering disease as well. . . That's a lot for one person to handle, even if they may have some support.
You have no reason to justify your wanting to ctb to anyone. We all have different limits and different amounts of stress that we can handle.

I'm the same way! Honestly things are going relatively well for me. I just don't care to live, and I never asked to be born, so why do I have to?

I think they're actually are people who end up ctb out of sheer boredom. While that may seem like a frivolous reason, I suppose if you're bored with life and you feel like there's nothing new that can be added to it, and you've already experienced everything you want to experience. . . That's just as acceptable of a reason to me as anything else is, particularly since (as you put point out) we didn't ask to be put here.

 

[Carina]

Funny thing. I have people around who like me, they are semi supportive. I know I could leave and go to some different countries for periods, and even have people there show me around, recommend places, and possibly even recommend places to go if I wanted to relocate. I have medical personnel that care.

But unlike you and others, I've never lost a partner by death/disease.

I'm basically a person with support, and no 'loss' of sorts to cause anything. Granted the support is mixed, and I honestly don't buy any of it as being real or selfless--but if any of them knew they'd all try to stop me.


Still though, it doesn't matter. Reasons why a person has reached the ctb point are valid for them. And that's all that matters in the end. It's not selfish, unjustifiable or anything--because it's something that's just up to you and you alone. It's why it's a choice that only the person can make for themself.

 

[porfin1234]

I have friends and family. Yet especially as of late I feel a ton of anxiety from being alone. I've regressed a ton in my ways and just want to be held. I miss the days I enjoyed spending alone time. Now I just want company.

 

[Backwood_tilt]

Sometimes, one person's absence is all it can take to change your entire world. That's certainly what has happened to me since I lost my husband. The world is an entirely different place for me now than it was when he was alive, and it changed in an instant. The instant he died, everything changed. My life was gone. . . over. . . no way to get it back.

Ugh, trying to explain this to others has been the biggest annoyance. My relationship didn't mature as much as yours, but still hearing people say "you'll get over this" or "you'll find someone else" is so cutting and insensitive.

 

[BlueWidow]

Ugh, trying to explain this to others has been the biggest annoyance. My relationship didn't mature as much as yours, but still hearing people say "you'll get over this" or "you'll find someone else" is so cutting and insensitive.

I understand. I've heard the rudest most horrible and insensitive comments I've ever heard in my life since my husband passed away, So I completely understand what you're saying. I've always wished I could come back with some kind of a biting comment, but so far I haven't thought of one.

 

[T42]

I think they're actually are people who end up ctb out of sheer boredom. While that may seem like a frivolous reason, I suppose if you're bored with life and you feel like there's nothing new that can be added to it, and you've already experienced everything you want to experience. . . That's just as acceptable of a reason to me as anything else is, particularly since (as you put point out) we didn't ask to be put here.

to me it's kind of like being at a buffet. i could eat more, but i don't need to eat more. so i would rather leave at that point.

 

[MysticPerception]

My life is still infinitely better than yours and most people's on here. Losing a loved one like that is definitely damaging so don't count yourself short. I have friends, I go out every now and then. I'm friends with all of my coworkers. My job is super easy. I have a loving mother and family that supports and cares about me. I have a cat that I love with all of my heart and he loves me back just as much. I have a boyfriend who I love dearly and he gives me joy even when I feel like shit. I have no financial problems at all, no debts, nothing. I can go to college fresh at any time if I so wanted(I don't). I have no mental illnesses, no clinical depression, and I'm not even apathetic. None of that matters in the end to me. Life is what you make of it and I'm tired of life. I want to ctb too despite having all of this and being grateful that my life is wonderful compared to some and being eternally grateful that I have no injuries or illnesses and I can still enjoy my free time. So don't worry, you don't need to feel bad, you can have it all and still want to ctb.

 

[Epsilon0]

Yes, I am in the same situation. I have family and life-long friends who would be crushed if I ctb. This and SI is what's keeping me alive.

Actually... no, that's a lie.. I could not overcome my SI when I attempted suicide, so if I'm heart breakingly truthful: my SI is the one thing standing between me and the grave.

 

[Backwood_tilt]

Yes, I am in the same situation. I have family and life-long friends who would be crushed if I ctb. This and SI is what's keeping me alive.

Actually... no, that's a lie.. I could not overcome my SI when I attempted suicide, so if I'm heart breakingly truthful: my SI is the one thing standing between me and the grave.

You've probably already seen them, but there are several good threads on overcoming SI. I still have this tab open right now, which someone just linked here the other day:

Practice makes deadly perfection, FSU suicide researcher says

You might not be totally ready to CTB. You might also just need to practice it til you're used to the feeling.

 

[Epsilon0]

You've probably already seen them, but there are several good threads on overcoming SI. I still have this tab open right now, which someone just linked here the other day:

Practice makes deadly perfection, FSU suicide researcher says

You might not be totally ready to CTB. You might also just need to practice it til you're used to the feeling.

Thank you for the link, I will check it out. I know there are ways to overcome SI. I once came very close to ctb and could not go through. At the time, I didn't know that what I felt was SI, I didn't have a name for it, but it was a huge shock, like an earthquake that shook me to the core. I was very scared and still feel the waves of that earthquake in my whole body. I am certainly not ready yet. But when my times is up, I will be prepared.

 

[TheOA]

I'm the same way! Honestly things are going relatively well for me. I just don't care to live, and I never asked to be born, so why do I have to?

This.

 

[Wishing for Luck]

You've probably already seen them, but there are several good threads on overcoming SI. I still have this tab open right now, which someone just linked here the other day:

Practice makes deadly perfection, FSU suicide researcher says

You might not be totally ready to CTB. You might also just need to practice it til you're used to the feeling.

What an interesting read. The imperfect science that is psychology is constantly evolving, and the conclusions made in that article make it evident. Thank you for that.

 

[NeverHungry]

I am in a similar situation. I have a couple of really close friends whom I cherish, and have a good relationship with some members of my family. My pain does not originate from an external source, but rather, an internal one. While I am close with these people, and chat to them regularly, I feel imprisoned within myself. I do not feel like I can be free.

I've felt this way for a long time. I thought it would get better as time went on - but it hasn't. I have seen numerous counsellors, but still feel the same.

I'm tired of trying when nothing ever changes. I want to CTB but I know my family and friends would be devastated if I did.

 

[Mr. Peabody]

You've probably already seen them, but there are several good threads on overcoming SI. I still have this tab open right now, which someone just linked here the other day:

Practice makes deadly perfection, FSU suicide researcher says

You might not be totally ready to CTB. You might also just need to practice it til you're used to the feeling.

Wow! thanks for that link!