Discussion Does anyone else have an eating disorder here?

[ropeburns&migranes]

(Sorry for the novel)

Does anyone else here have an ED? Specifically, bulimia where you purge via forced vomiting? I feel so alone in this, most of what I've read online are of people with anorexia or avoidant food disorder.
Bulimia has taken my life, my school life, my potential career, and now all I can think about is food. For me, it started after my first attempt just before starting university. I wanted to study something in the sciences but because of bulimia, I was either too hungry to concentrate on studying and doing my labs, or skipping classes to force myself to vomit. God, I wasted so much time eating and purging, the money I wasted on food that will just be flushed away makes me feel even more guilty.

After I failed my first semester I decided to major in something easier but that meant I had to move to a different city. My new landlord heard me vomiting in the bathroom by listening through the door (mind you, I definitely was not being loud. She must've heard splashing and thought I was taking a bath which was 'against the lease' but not really. Anyway, it was weird how she was listening in on me in the bathroom) so I explained to her what was going on and how I always cleaned up after myself, etc but she thought my flushing the toilet was using too much water and threatened to increase the rent. All of this compounded to me moving back home with my parent, as an utter failure. My parents have said that they are just happy that I'm back home with them trying to get better but let's be real no parent is happy about their adult child moving back home.

Now I'm in touch with a dietician every week but I don't think it's helping. I feel like I'm wasting so much, so much money (on binge food, dietician appointments), time (not studying, excessively eating and purging), and effort on something that I know won't get better, especially with my suicidal ideation. I know that my ED is a contributing factor to my suicidal thoughts but my suicidal thoughts also fuel my ED, it's like a cycle.

If anyone else is struggling with something like this please share, I feel like I'm all alone in this. Despite my parents trying to help I don't think they fully understand.

and if you've gotten this far, thank you for reading.

 

[whitetaildeer]

i have bulimia as well (technically an ex-bulimic, but i frequently relapse). and lord! as twisted as it is, it's comforting to see someone else whose life was also taken over by this nonsense. you're also the first other bulimic i've seen on here.

My new landlord heard me vomiting in the bathroom by listening through the door (mind you, I definitely was not being loud. She must've heard splashing and thought I was taking a bath which was 'against the lease' but not really. Anyway, it was weird how she was listening in on me in the bathroom)

have to point this out. this is ridiculously invasive? and ridiculous in general? i'm so sorry about that. really makes you think what else she's been listening in on.

regardless, you're absolutely not alone in this. a lot of people who don't have an eating disorder can still understand anorexia, but i've found that, out of all of the eating disorders, bulimia is the one non-disordered people grapple with most.

 

[ropeburns&migranes]

i have bulimia as well (technically an ex-bulimic, but i frequently relapse). and lord! as twisted as it is, it's comforting to see someone else whose life was also taken over by this nonsense. you're also the first other bulimic i've seen on here.


have to point this out. this is ridiculously invasive? and ridiculous in general? i'm so sorry about that. really makes you think what else she's been listening in on.

regardless, you're absolutely not alone in this. a lot of people who don't have an eating disorder can still understand anorexia, but i've found that, out of all of the eating disorders, bulimia is the one non-disordered people grapple with most.

Thank you, I finally don't feel completely alone with this bs

and yeah that landlord was kind of something, she would also go through my trash and watch me do stuff around the house like make food or leave for class. She was definitely going through my room whenever I was gone. At the time I figured she was just an eccentric older lady but she might've had her own issues so I guess it was a good thing I left sooner rather than later.

Anyhow, I'm sorry about your frequent relapses, I'm sure it was difficult getting where you are now. I guess all we can do is slowly try to get better one step at a time no matter how misunderstood we are. Thank you again

 

[MetroPunk]

Landlord sounds like a nut. I've never been bulimic but I do and have starved myself intentionally for long periods of time. Having any visible fat on my body crushes my self esteem. As a teen, I was put on a medication for depression that made me gain 30 pounds in just as many days. My mother decided it was a good idea to criticize me for it. Mind you, I was 180lb after gaining the weight. I'm 5'10" It is what my weight should technically be. But now if I don't see an absolutely flat stomach on me, I simply do not eat for days until it is gone. When people offer me food anywhere ever, the answer is always no. I don't eat when my roommate cooks, I literally cook for a living and do not eat at work. Even when another cook offers me something they've made. It is a control thing for me. I don't think or plan on stopping this behavior ever. It's simply who I am now.

My biggest worry for you is your teeth. I suffer from chronic emesis, which means I vomit uncontrollably for hours, lose all of my body temperature and I lose about 10 pounds every time it happens. I hate the hospital so much that I always try and pray the emesis away but eventually I have to go or I would literally die, in a miserable way that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Think: Being soaking wet in your own sweat, your whole abdomen is on fire from constant retching, and the whole time you feel like you are completely naked in Antarctica. Just the coldest cold I have ever felt.

My point for bringing that up is that the constant vomiting is damaging my teeth. If you don't go to a dentist regularly I would start.
Sending love from the other side of the internet!

P.S. your landlord telling you she's going to raise rent because you're flushing too much is truly insane and I'm so happy I'll never have to meet that person. They sound insufferable.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

Literally reading this as I B/P lmao. My ED takes up 100% of my life as well, there is barely any time for anything else because if it's a restriction day, I'm too tired to do anything, and if it's a B/P day, then I spend all my time going back and forth to the grocery store, spending exorbitant amounts of money, only to end up purging everything. The only word I can think of to describe it is horrific. I always go to bed hoping to die from an electrolyte imbalance or something but nothing ever happens to me, medically speaking, despite my behaviours being pretty severe on all fronts. I want to be sick enough, I want to be a good anorexic, but instead I'm this. Stuck with poor man's anorexia, as Jennette McCurdy called it (highly recommend reading her book, I'm Glad My Mom Died, btw, though it can be triggering at times because she mentions numbers and some specifics).

 

[ropeburns&migranes]

Landlord sounds like a nut. I've never been bulimic but I do and have starved myself intentionally for long periods of time. Having any visible fat on my body crushes my self esteem. As a teen, I was put on a medication for depression that made me gain 30 pounds in just as many days. My mother decided it was a good idea to criticize me for it. Mind you, I was 180lb after gaining the weight. I'm 5'10" It is what my weight should technically be. But now if I don't see an absolutely flat stomach on me, I simply do not eat for days until it is gone. When people offer me food anywhere ever, the answer is always no. I don't eat when my roommate cooks, I literally cook for a living and do not eat at work. Even when another cook offers me something they've made. It is a control thing for me. I don't think or plan on stopping this behavior ever. It's simply who I am now.

My biggest worry for you is your teeth. I suffer from chronic emesis, which means I vomit uncontrollably for hours, lose all of my body temperature and I lose about 10 pounds every time it happens. I hate the hospital so much that I always try and pray the emesis away but eventually I have to go or I would literally die, in a miserable way that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Think: Being soaking wet in your own sweat, your whole abdomen is on fire from constant retching, and the whole time you feel like you are completely naked in Antarctica. Just the coldest cold I have ever felt.

My point for bringing that up is that the constant vomiting is damaging my teeth. If you don't go to a dentist regularly I would start.
Sending love from the other side of the internet!

P.S. your landlord telling you she's going to raise rent because you're flushing too much is truly insane and I'm so happy I'll never have to meet that person. They sound insufferable.

What your mom did after you got put on medication to get better was awful I'm sorry that happened. Not sure what made her think it would've been a good idea to say that to her own kid with depression but that was a horrible move especially when you were at a good weight. My mom was also a contributing factor to my ED too although she's slowed down on the comments after seeing how bad it's gotten.

I see we can both relate to the vomiting too, I try to rinse my mouth out with water after every purge to try to balance out the acid and I can't tell if it's helping or not. The last time I went to the dentist I didn't mention my frequent vomiting but they didn't notice anything abnormal about my teeth yet, just a bit of gum bleeding for now which they're probably familiar with. I'm sure with time my teeth will slowly degrade if this keeps up but there's only so much that can be done to preserve them with the bulimia. I might tell them eventually if any of my teeth start loosening but I'll hold off for now. Thank you for worrying

Chronic emesis sounds terrible, I wish it would go away too because what you described is something no one should have to go through. Even if you don't eat please take care anyway else you can, I wish I could say more but I have no knowledge on chronic emesis my heart goes out to you.

Thank you for sharing your experience and making me feel less alone in all of this, I hope for the best for both of us

P.S. I hope you never have to meet someone like her too!

Literally reading this as I B/P lmao. My ED takes up 100% of my life as well, there is barely any time for anything else because if it's a restriction day, I'm too tired to do anything, and if it's a B/P day, then I spend all my time going back and forth to the grocery store, spending exorbitant amounts of money, only to end up purging everything. The only word I can think of to describe it is horrific. I always go to bed hoping to die from an electrolyte imbalance or something but nothing ever happens to me, medically speaking, despite my behaviours being pretty severe on all fronts. I want to be sick enough, I want to be a good anorexic, but instead I'm this. Stuck with poor man's anorexia, as Jennette McCurdy called it (highly recommend reading her book, I'm Glad My Mom Died, btw, though it can be triggering at times because she mentions numbers and some specifics).

I hope your B/P is going smoothly and I wish I could say that it would be over soon. 'The poor man's anorexia' is definitely a good way to put it, I'll try reading her book some time I've heard a lot about it but never managed to pick it up. Bulimia makes me feel like a shell of a person, like some caveman highjacked my brain and I'm running on instinct wanting to constantly eat but my true self doesn't want to gain weight. It's so tiresome, I just want it to all be over one way or another.
Thank you for reading my post and sharing what you have and are currently going through kind stranger. I hope for better days

 

[FujoshiNeet]

I am so sorry you are going through this. That landlord was a nut. I know in my case, the shame when others found out (and how they inappropriately reacted to it) only fueled my bulimia. You are not alone but you're probably surrounded by people who don't understand. I know what it's like being sick for so long and how soul-crushing it is because you do not see a way out. The only thing that helped me was being totally on my own and being 100% financially responsible for myself. My ED stemmed from the urge to control the uncontrollable. When I lived on my own, I controlled everything. I would try to pay attention to dietician stuff if possible. Even if you aren't ready to take the steps right now, maybe in the future the knowledge and practices can be helpful. I totally understand you having to drop it though because it is a money sinker.

 

[trashhologram]

I'm in recovery from anorexia nervosa, binge and purge subtype (so basically anorexia and bulimia). This year will be my 3rd in recovery I've fucked up my teeth permanently because of purging. One of my teeth has been slowly crumbling the past few years and now there isn't much left. I'm just wondering which tooth will be next. This disorder sucks. Also your landlord sounds like a creep; why would they be listening when you're using the toilet? Ew.

 

[nux_walpurgis]

I have ednos. I go through periods of hard restriction and periods of overeating/constantly binging (no vomiting, I tried it but it didn't work for me). Right now I am in a bining phase and I am constantly hungry despite eating literally all day thousands of calories. I just can't anymore.

I will switch to restriction soon, since If I am to be hungry all the time, at least be hungry while restricting and lose some damn weight.

 

[alltoomuch2]

I have binge eating disorder. Not diagnosed but fits all the signs and criteria. I try to vomit sometimes but have a very low vomit reflex so as hard as I try (and it's only to relieve the discomfort, not part of the disorder) the food all stays in. I'm getting so overweight now that i wheeze when I'm breathing and can't use my weighted blanket any more. My psych nurse is aware and asked if we should switch my therapy to address that but I'm hoping that if we do the therapy we'd planned originally, it will address the underlying original cause of the binging.
I'm sitting here now hardly able to breathe , my stomach stretched so tight it hurts. I don't know what to do about it. Although we're not addressing it specifically, since the binging occurs in response to mental pain and distress, my psych nurse suggested exercise as a replacement when I get the urge to binge. Trouble is it nearly always occurs in the later evening when it's dark and cold and icy and not easy to exercise. But I have to do something because it's really affecting my life now.
I've tried mindful eating and that was even more stressful and not possible because it slowed the eating (obviously).