Venting does anyone else get this overwhelming panic when you try to make yourself feel better?

[kunikuzushi]

I've given up on building a life for myself for many reasons. But I still attempt to make my daily life more bearable. However, when I take large steps like seeing a new therapist or trying to improve my appearance, etc. I'm left in an overwhelming panic. I don't know what to do right now. I just wasted a bunch of money getting a haircut and color that make me look a million times worse. I already had trouble leaving my house, but now it's impossible. I feel deep regret for wasting money just to feel worse. And every time I do these things to try to feel better, they leave me feeling so much worse and unable to function. I don't know what's wrong with me. It would've been better to not try. The failures are too much for me in my constant anxious and suicidal state.

 

[killmesoftly]

I get this so, so much. It takes such an immense amount of effort to muster up the willpower and momentum to just try to do things to improve your circumstances, that when it doesn't work out and doesn't help make you feel better, it stings 1000 times worse. There was so much banking on it, your entire vision of being able to improve things for yourself and help yourself vanishes because you realize you're just too weak. It's crushing. You can only pick yourself up and try again until you're so discouraged you don't want to try any more.
I hate it so much. I'm sorry you're experiencing this too.

 

[kunikuzushi]

I get this so, so much. It takes such an immense amount of effort to muster up the willpower and momentum to just try to do things to improve your circumstances, that when it doesn't work out and doesn't help make you feel better, it stings 1000 times worse. There was so much banking on it, your entire vision of being able to improve things for yourself and help yourself vanishes because you realize you're just too weak. It's crushing. You can only pick yourself up and try again until you're so discouraged you don't want to try any more.
I hate it so much. I'm sorry you're experiencing this too.

Yes exactly. Thank you for putting it like this. It feels validating because no one in my life really understands. They say things like "at least you tried to improve instead of just sitting around." But really that disappointment is insane. I don't even know why I gave myself the small amount of hope that things could improve for me. Thanks so much for your support, and I'm sorry you've felt this too.

 

[brokeandbroken]

I've given up on building a life for myself for many reasons. But I still attempt to make my daily life more bearable. However, when I take large steps like seeing a new therapist or trying to improve my appearance, etc. I'm left in an overwhelming panic. I don't know what to do right now. I just wasted a bunch of money getting a haircut and color that make me look a million times worse. I already had trouble leaving my house, but now it's impossible. I feel deep regret for wasting money just to feel worse. And every time I do these things to try to feel better, they leave me feeling so much worse and unable to function. I don't know what's wrong with me. It would've been better to not try. The failures are too much for me in my constant anxious and suicidal state.

Opposite for me. I get overwhelmed, anxious, and suicidal after the millionth time trying to find a life after mine was quite literally without being hyperbolic stolen from me and getting nowhere. Every time realizing OMG this moment in time and this moment and this moment is good as it is going to be. Basically starving eating shit food while simultaneously only having food that's horrible for as the only thing to eat so I definitely get multiple diseases wearing rags without a family friends career in a shitload of pain is the best my life is going to be. After doing everything to hold my shit together and improve my life and not do anything destructive it just doesn't fucking matter. My life isn't going to get any better. There's not going to be another opportunity, there's not going to be love, there's not going to be anything worth living, there's just going to be a blank fucking nothingness. My life is going to be a slow fucking descent into hell. So yeah. It's the opposite for me. I am living in my own personalized hell. Straight out of the good place.

 

[killmesoftly]

Yes exactly. Thank you for putting it like this. It feels validating because no one in my life really understands. They say things like "at least you tried to improve instead of just sitting around." But really that disappointment is insane. I don't even know why I gave myself the small amount of hope that things could improve for me. Thanks so much for your support, and I'm sorry you've felt this too.

Yup, it's so frustrating when the people in your life think you're alright because you're still (on the rare occassion) trying. Little do they know, each time you try you end up falling further than you have before, now one step closer to giving up on yourself for good. One step forward and many, many steps back. Also, I'm glad my words could be of some comfort to you, and thank you. It is nice to have someone to relate to.