Venting Does anyone else feel the same way ?

[ghostlysoap]

Hey everyone,

It's been a couple of horrible months for me and I can't handle the pressure anymore.
For the record, I suffer from Bipolar Disorder. I get regular treatment and what not but when you have to deal with people and relationships your brain just goes haywire.
It seems like I can't handle stress at all anymore.

Last time I tried to ctb was in 2016 when my bipolar was not treated yet. I tried to OD and I failed. I got committed for 21 days. Before that I was 2012 when I tried a plastic bag. Obviously fail (i was a kid). I been through a lot of abuse growing up and over time it just made my mental health degrade.
Currently I have a partner that changed towards me after I had a depressive episode and said I killed the good loving person in him with how I was. It's a nightmare talking to him now because he is so cold and it's killing me.

I used to love life, I used to love animals, people. Regardless how I felt in my head. But now I reached a point in which I don't feel any joy of anything whatsoever.
Have you guys ever looked at yourself in the mirror and seen how cloudy your eyes are, how the life out of them has disappeared?? That's how I feel right now. I feel like all the constant stress have turned me numb to everything good.

I will be ctb soon in this upcoming week. I hope I manage to hang myself properly and not deal with this weight no more.

Wish me luck.

 

[randomz]

I know what you mean especially in the part where you say you can't handle stress anymore. I am sorry for what you went and you are going through. Life can really bring us down sometimes. The good thing is that often these dark times of life pass and everything can look bright and happy again. Have you tried everything you can to feel better? Therapists, meds, changing your lidestyle an thought patterns can all do wonders if your mind is in such a dark place.

I hope things start working out for you, and remember we are here for you everytime you need us, you can always PM me even if you just want to chat.

 

[ghostlysoap]

I know what you mean especially in the part where you say you can't handle stress anymore. I am sorry for what you went and you are going through. Life can really bring us down sometimes. The good thing is that often these dark times of life pass and everything can look bright and happy again. Have you tried everything you can to feel better? Therapists, meds, changing your lidestyle an thought patterns can all do wonders if your mind is in such a dark place.

I hope things start working out for you, and remember we are here for you everytime you need us, you can always PM me even if you just want to chat.

First off, Thank you so much for the kind words.
I have tried everything.I've been doing my hardest for years. Therapy pills (I take them every day as I should) I don't drink or smoke or any of that. But I end up in a very bad emotional loop. I've gotten out of it before but now I reached a point in which my brain is screaming 'STOP' at me. I was going strong, I changed my life I was doing my best but now I am too tired and I can't do it any longer. I'm always self conscious about making others feel bad because of my state of mind that I didn't want to talk to anyone and I couldn't Especially not to my partner. I feel guilty for the way I am and I hate the person I've become.

 

[Oyoy]

I am so angry at myself. I feel your pain. Your never alone in your pain. I want out of my skin like a mo fo.

 

[ghostlysoap]

I am so angry at myself. I feel your pain. Your never alone in your pain. I want out of my skin like a mo fo.

You know, I think that self hatred is one of the heaviest things to go through. Because it's not fully self inflicted. Just people and situations pushed us to be the way we are.

Thank you! <3

 

[randomz]

First off, Thank you so much for the kind words.
I have tried everything.I've been doing my hardest for years. Therapy pills (I take them every day as I should) I don't drink or smoke or any of that. But I end up in a very bad emotional loop. I've gotten out of it before but now I reached a point in which my brain is screaming 'STOP' at me. I was going strong, I changed my life I was doing my best but now I am too tired and I can't do it any longer. I'm always self conscious about making others feel bad because of my state of mind that I didn't want to talk to anyone and I couldn't Especially not to my partner. I feel guilty for the way I am and I hate the person I've become.

I know what you mean, I also often get tired of life. All you need is a way to rest and "recharge"your batteries. It's just that sometimes the search for a way to do that is taxing. I am sure you can find it though, as you have before. Stay strong.

 

[ghostlysoap]

I know what you mean, I also often get tired of life. All you need is a way to rest and "recharge"your batteries. It's just that sometimes the search for a way to do that is taxing. I am sure you can find it though, as you have before. Stay strong.

Thnk you. I am in a state of contemplating. I will see what happens.

 

[LonelyGhostDreamer]

First off, Thank you so much for the kind words.
I have tried everything.I've been doing my hardest for years. Therapy pills (I take them every day as I should) I don't drink or smoke or any of that. But I end up in a very bad emotional loop. I've gotten out of it before but now I reached a point in which my brain is screaming 'STOP' at me. I was going strong, I changed my life I was doing my best but now I am too tired and I can't do it any longer. I'm always self conscious about making others feel bad because of my state of mind that I didn't want to talk to anyone and I couldn't Especially not to my partner. I feel guilty for the way I am and I hate the person I've become.

I totally understand where you're coming from, I'll be leaving this world with a ton of regrets but I just can't go on anymore it's getting harder and harder to go to work and put on a happy face and pretend everything's ok. I feel like a swan; on the surface I'm gliding effortlessly but under water I am paddling like mad to stay afloat.