Venting does anyone else feel like even ctb is too much? effort?

[suchaprettygard3n]

im just so terribly exhausted. even getting out of bed is physically draining. everything is. and when i just want it all to end, i have to think and consider so much other stuff. the si, the guilt, the anxiety. none of it ever goes away. i just want to sleep and move on peacefully. to anywhere but here. i feel so trapped every single day and trying to think of ways get out of it all just makes me feel more trapped. it just feels like this is all just some sick joke.

 

[ipmanwc0]

I know what you mean. When I get out of bed I have like only a few hours of energy

 

[aiki__0]

Yeah. . .
And half of the time, it never works, I always wake up

 

[d3j3ct3dl0s3r05]

Yeah I wish I could just press a button and go. But even then, I'd still have to deal with my stupid brain going "oh but you must write a letter first" or "You have to do this first" which wastes time. But yeah I am definitely ready to go. Just wish it were easier

 

[Immensevoid]

I feel exactly this way every single day too, so I understand the mental and physical draining feeling..

 

[snowcloud9]

Yes, this is well documented. There is an uptick of suicides when people start SSRIs because sometimes it gives them the extra motivation to commit suicide.

 

[foreverfalling]

Yeah everything is so much effort. I don't want to do things for fear of failure, but there's also nothing motivating me, and I don't feel reward for doing anything.

 

[Talles]

Pretty much. I organize my days already taking into account I won't be able to do much.
Interacting with people is always the worst. I barely have the energy to do minimal tasks, holding a conversation about something I probably won't give a single f about feels like torture.
CBT some days feels like such a beacon of hope, in others it feels like a mirage far away.

 

[5meo]

I feel exactly the same

 

[Dying Knight]

Lack of energy for doing anything is a sign of problems with dopamine in your brain. This may be treated with meds.

 

[Passersby]

Yes waking up and getting out of bed is a terrible thing to have to experience and the worst part of it is that it keeps reoccurring over and over and over. Life is one big trap that we are all caught in.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

Yes it's probably why I'm still here-I never do anything ever, so why should CTB be any different? Will I be able to do it eventually? Genuinely don't know.

 

[Eudaimonic]

Yeah I do feel this way, I am chronically low energy and low motivation. I don't have it in me right now and I feel too much guilt at the thought. I can often relate to the feeling of being trapped. I'm sorry, it's really a horrible feeling.

 

[chuerdhmproton]

im just so terribly exhausted. even getting out of bed is physically draining. everything is. and when i just want it all to end, i have to think and consider so much other stuff. the si, the guilt, the anxiety. none of it ever goes away. i just want to sleep and move on peacefully. to anywhere but here. i feel so trapped every single day and trying to think of ways get out of it all just makes me feel more trapped. it just feels like this is all just some sick joke.

Your feelings are super valid. This is actually why people struggling with suicidal thoughts are at a higher risk of suicide right when they improve slightly; they get enough motivation to actually carry out their suicide plan. At the deepest point of depression even taking your own life can be too much effort to accomplish.

 

[thetrout]

Well it's definitely a lot more work than I anticipated when I first started thinking about it.

 

[wait.what]

Yeah … my most recent attempts have involved voluntarily stopping eating and drinking, because the only thing that seemed doable was just to go to bed and not move until I died.

Obviously it did not work, but one time I did manage to keep at it until I was in the opening stages of kidney failure. Kidney disease is what started an ultimately fatal cascade of organ failures for my mother, so who knows how close I got to finally catching that elusive bus?

VSED probably isn't very practical unless you have some major underlying health problems, but I do, so I may as well make the most of it.

Plan:

Step 1: Have terrible psyche condition/s that make you long for death
Step 2: Have terrible physical condition/s that make you likely to die
Step 3: Deliberately neglect physical health
Step 4: Die. All problems permanently solved!!!

 

[strawb12]

For real its so much effort to attempt. It takes so much work, planning, & depending on how you ctb, funds. It's ridiculous how hard it is to peacefully & reliably ctb.

 

[ultrasharpy123456]

wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too much effort. too much.

 

[PracheenKaal_00!]

im just so terribly exhausted. even getting out of bed is physically draining. everything is. and when i just want it all to end, i have to think and consider so much other stuff. the si, the guilt, the anxiety. none of it ever goes away. i just want to sleep and move on peacefully. to anywhere but here. i feel so trapped every single day and trying to think of ways get out of it all just makes me feel more trapped. it just feels like this is all just some sick joke.

Yes Indeed.

CTB needs too much effort. There's no guarantee that ur CTB plans will work as intended. Anything can go wrong.
Its' not easy to CTB.

To those who say CTB is easy and that those who CTB are cowards, It's not at all true. They need a absolute rude awakening.
Secondly it takes a lot of courage to CTB, it's not straightforward as most of the general populace thinks.

 

[Dying Knight]

This is actually why people struggling with suicidal thoughts are at a higher risk of suicide right when they improve slightly; they get enough motivation to actually carry out their suicide plan.

Yeah, some people kill themselves under the effect of antidepressants which help to increase their motivation of doing something.

 

[FuneralCry]

Yes, in this dreadful world suicide really is too much of an unnecessary struggle, it's something that feels inaccessible for me and I would fear trying to die leading to more suffering. I find it horrible how we cannot just choose to instantly fall asleep eternally, it's inhumane purposely making voluntary death so difficult despite the fact that we are destined for nothing but to cease existing anyway.

 

[silentcicada]

So much work for something that may fail with an even worse outcome. It's not fair.

 

[sserafim]

im just so terribly exhausted. even getting out of bed is physically draining. everything is. and when i just want it all to end, i have to think and consider so much other stuff. the si, the guilt, the anxiety. none of it ever goes away. i just want to sleep and move on peacefully. to anywhere but here. i feel so trapped every single day and trying to think of ways get out of it all just makes me feel more trapped. it just feels like this is all just some sick joke.

Yeah the only reason why I haven't ctb yet is bc it takes effort (and could fail as well)

So much work for something that may fail with an even worse outcome. It's not fair.

Ikr

 

[lita-lassi]

the anxiety surrounding enacting any plan to exit successfully has always made me break down even harder into a pile of totally hopeless wreck. i think about writing my goodbye notes and i just want to crumble and die from despair right then; thinking about not fucking up the method and carrying through is like... a mental whiteout mess of simultaneous agony and relief

 

[idk3]

Yes, it's incredibly difficult to find the brainpower to do proper research on how to ctb the most peaceful way possible when you have severe depression/anxiety, let alone actually following through with it. It's so stressful and exhausting, I get even more anxiety/depression in doing so.

Just wish there was a quick exit button where you blissfully fall asleep

 

[KillMeh]

Yess. It's crazy how I want to die, and got to deal with shit that doesn't matter. "You can kill yourself if you pick the right location, make sure nobody sees you, arrange an ethical way to be found. Gotta shower, brush teeth, shave, wear something clean. Go at a certain time of the day."
When I got my SN, it would've been so easy to scoop a little bit and mix it in water. But nonono, it's not okay to decease in a rented apartment.
Fuck this

 

[Old Friend]

I wanted to be gone before the cold weather comes back but that's not realistic now. It takes so much planning and I barely have the time nor energy to do it.

 

[Scattered-Soul]

Yeah and it's ironic because all this exhaustion and inability to go through with it is part of my condition that's precisely the reason why I even wanna CBT in the first place.

 

[vampire2002]

i've felt this way before. i've tried to ctb by just lying in bed all day every day and starving to death. it didn't work because it's incredibly difficult to actually do that. but this was my go-to method for years, because i figured if i didn't actually have the willpower to hold out long enough to die of starvation, then i didn't actually want to die badly enough.

 

[Xta4Love]

Your feelings are super valid. This is actually why people struggling with suicidal thoughts are at a higher risk of suicide right when they improve slightly; they get enough motivation to actually carry out their suicide plan. At the deepest point of depression even taking your own life can be too much effort to accomplish.

Exactly this! It is one of the reasons I'm still here