Discussion Does anyone else feel great guilt talking to people?

[nullatu]

My friends and family have asked countless times if I am okay, and each time I say yes. I just cannot bring myself to say otherwise. I am going to CTB in 15 hours or so, and am having a great feeling of guilt wash over me, knowing that they will realise that they could have stopped me from dying if they had only been more observant. How can I get over this fear and not back out of my plan halfway from completion?

 

[15dec]

Yeah. I had a mental health assessment yesterday. Was asked if I had a plan to ctb in front of my parents and had to lie and say no. I agreed to make plans with some friends for Tuesday when I'll most likely ctb on Monday. I'm sitting here right now debating whether I should tell someone how close I am to doing it but knowing there's no point, that ctb is the only real option for me. I know my family and friends are going to hate themselves and blame themselves for not realising how low and upset I was really feeling. It sucks.

 

[OkTotti]

yes, very much so though not as quite as dire as you. I have a friend who is starting to be suspicious over texts because of my short responses in text. She knows that I am down, and afraid she thinks i maybe suicidal. She keeps asking me to meet up but I'm afraid I can't put a mask of friendliness so i keep delaying on meeting her.

 

[15dec]

yes, very much so though not as quite as dire as you. I have a friend who is starting to be suspicious over texts because of my short responses in text. She knows that I am down, and afraid she thinks i maybe suicidal. She keeps asking me to meet up but I'm afraid I can't put a mask of friendliness so i keep delaying on meeting her.

I keep trying to put a mask on too and it's awful. I can barely do it for more than a week at a time before it crumbles, and even then I'm in pieces when I'm alone. Sending you hugs

 

[OkTotti]

I keep trying to put a mask on too and it's awful. I can barely do it for more than a week at a time before it crumbles, and even then I'm in pieces when I'm alone. Sending you hugs

just curious, what is the significance of today 15 of December?

 

[15dec]

just curious, what is the significance of today 15 of December?

It was my original suicide date, had to push it back though since it was too likely for me to be interrupted

 

[Lil_Intro_Vert]

I sometimes feel guilty, but usually at night when I have time to overthink my life. Most of the time I'm low key dissociated and apathetic as fuck, so I don't feel much of anything. When I feel guilty I really feel guilty though, my gf has no idea how fucked up I am and she really deserves better than me

 

[rxrx877]

All the time. I've told so many people that I'm ok, doing great, that my job has been great and I got a raise, no more depression or anxiety. It's all lies and I feel terribly guilty for all of it.

 

[Suicideisnirvana]

No, having had an avalanche of successive problems (hairloss, frequent urination, erectile dysfunction, depression) at a young age made me lose any self-contempt for myself or guilt. I know that nobody in my place could've done better with that level of incapacitation, and i would feel empathy for myself even if i did something truly horrific.

 

[TAW122]

No I don't because I know that people have in a sense (subconsciously even) given up on me, and are just going through the motions of life. I know that there are probably a few people around me that might have thought, well it's no surprise TAW122 was gonna off himself, but are just too polite or afraid to say it. I made this assumption because most of the people don't even bother to hang out with me, or want to make meaningful relationships beyond just mere acquaintances with me. So pretty much I'm fucked on that front.

In fact, I think the only people close to me, including family only put up with me is just because I am, part of family, but beyond that, they wouldn't want anything to do with me. I also am not just staying alive for anyone's sake either, I gotta end my pain someday and don't want to be tied down because of the sake of a few.

 

[Lifeisatrap]

No, I just tell them what they want to hear. Telling the truth would make me feel guilty as it would get me involuntarily commited again. As was mentioned above I'm not doing it for the sake of anyone else. It's an entirely personal decision.

 

[Empty Smile]

I don't feel guilty for lying to people when I say I'm ok. They all know deep down I'm not, so my guilty feelings left me long ago.