Discussion Does anyone else feel calm knowing they can choose to end their life when they have their method of choice?

[waterbottle3929]

I had it once back 4 years ago when I had SN (before the legal hoops, you could just order it off of Amazon. Shitty that you can't anymore), I was in a ton of distress and anxiety the days before I ordered it. But once I did, there was like this feeling of calm? Knowing that I had control to end my suffering whenever I could? I had it for about 2 months before I used it and then ended up in the hospital but yeah.

Today, I just ordered a gun safe since I'm planning on buying some firearms to end my life. Was wondering if anyone else feels this strange sense of calmness after preparing? Like I was crying so much just 3 days ago feeling like my entire world was crumbling and that I was worthless, etc., etc. But now that I'm taking the first steps I feel really calm? Like I don't feel anxious anymore since I know I'll soon be able to just fallback on killing myself when I get everything.

 

[saltytears]

I had it once back 4 years ago when I had SN (before the legal hoops, you could just order it off of Amazon. Shitty that you can't anymore), I was in a ton of distress and anxiety the days before I ordered it. But once I did, there was like this feeling of calm? Knowing that I had control to end my suffering whenever I could? I had it for about 2 months before I used it and then ended up in the hospital but yeah.

Today, I just ordered a gun safe since I'm planning on buying some firearms to end my life. Was wondering if anyone else feels this strange sense of calmness after preparing? Like I was crying so much just 3 days ago feeling like my entire world was crumbling and that I was worthless, etc., etc. But now that I'm taking the first steps I feel really calm? Like I don't feel anxious anymore since I know I'll soon be able to just fallback on killing myself when I get everything.

Can we ask why the SN attempt failed? Thank you for sharing

 

[waterbottle3929]

Can we ask why the SN attempt failed? Thank you for sharing

I think I'm just a very impatient person. Although I didn't eat the night before I took it, it didn't work as fast as I thought it did. I don't remember what anti-nausea pills I took, but I didn't feel nauseous. My heart just beat really fast, I could literally feel it thumping I guess. But that was the only symptom I had. I thought it didn't work so I ended up just going to the kitchen to grab food since I thought it didn't work.

My family was there and ig my si kicked in cuz I just started yelling at them to bring me to the hospital. probably one of the biggest regrets i have tbh

 

[Worndown]

It is common to feel calm once you have secured the material need for your method. Knowing you can go whenever needed means you can focus on other things, or nothing!

 

[kat6]

I think many of us feel trapped, powerless or just downright exhausted. The circumstances causing the pain might or might not be in within our control, but even when they are, the road to fixing it seems monumental, overwhelming and scary.

So, at least for me, having the method and the means to do it at anytime brings me peace that: 1) I don't have to be anxious about life, I don't have to dwell on my worst fears because they ever come true, I won't have to live my worst case scenarios, I can get off this ride at anytime. 2) it allows me to enjoy the present a little more, it takes the pressure of dwelling on the past, future. 3) it makes me feel like I'm in control….

So with that, it eases the agonizing pressure a bit , and there's no rush to ctb ironically. I can stick around and try my best to improve my life, enjoy the little things… I still think about ctb pretty much all day, but the urgency isn't there. I'm ready, but it doesn't have to be today (rinse, repeat, every day). :)

 

[saltytears]

I think I'm just a very impatient person. Although I didn't eat the night before I took it, it didn't work as fast as I thought it did. I don't remember what anti-nausea pills I took, but I didn't feel nauseous. My heart just beat really fast, I could literally feel it thumping I guess. But that was the only symptom I had. I thought it didn't work so I ended up just going to the kitchen to grab food since I thought it didn't work.

My family was there and ig my si kicked in cuz I just started yelling at them to bring me to the hospital. probably one of the biggest regrets i have tbh

DId you test the purity? I wonder if it wasnt full strength....most people get nauseous anti nausea pills or not. DId they have to treat you with meth blue at hospital.? I think one of the biggest fears we all have is SN not working....

 

[waterbottle3929]

DId you test the purity? I wonder if it wasnt full strength....most people get nauseous anti nausea pills or not. DId they have to treat you with meth blue at hospital.? I think one of the biggest fears we all have is SN not working....

No the purity wasn't the problem. I got it direct from amazon from a reputable chem comp. I was treated w/ meth blue after the er called poison whatever to find out how to treat me.

 

[John8]

Agree with the fact once you have the control to ctb, you feel more in control and free.

 

[Worndown]

That implies you need to be mentally ill to kill yourself.
There are many factors that can make perfectly sane people look for an early exit.
They might have inadvertently proven that in this study.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Unfortunately I'm not privileged enough to access a method to begin with

 

[OutOfThisBody]

Tbh I'm half calm half terrified I'll regret it

 

[Tig]

Definitely feel calmer knowing how I'm going to CTB, the only thing necessary for me that can't be purchased onsite with a partner was a CO meter for a test run.
Sounds crazy but it sits on my night stand, when things get sketchy, the bad feelings well up out of control, darkness starts to take over, I pick it up and turn it on, it calms me down.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Only to an extent to be honest. I made the decision to get hold of SN two years back now because it was clear it was just going to get harder to get hold of in the UK. It definitely makes me feel easier in my mind that I have something I could use but, I'm still massively scared of actually doing it.

 

[chester]

I don't. I wish I had no choice. Having to choose is a huge burden.

 

[thot88]

I meant to go with the charcoal method sometime. I felt great peace when I knew that soon the stress would be over and all the problems would be solved.
But then this site didn't exist yet. I would have done everything wrong in that method and survived.

 

[LunarLight]

Yes, the fact that I have SN at home is definitely soothing.

 

[Just_Another_Person]

Yes, that is why I am enjoying my remaining time instead of being miserable/falling in despair. Won't be able to do anything great/exciting like a far away trip or bung-jump, but I can have a comfortable months.

 

[BlackEyedDog]

I now have a static climbing rope, and also SN. It use to make me feel calm thinking I had options. But I'm in s headspace where I'm grappling with actually committing to an attempt, whether or not to prepare, possible timeline, and this has roiled my mind.