Discussion Does anyone else ever feel like they want to have a CTB attempt fail (in as harmless a way as possible)?

[coolgal82]

I kinda get that feeling sometimes. Sometimes it's just like i want preparation/practice for if/when i actually do it. Sometimes i think that maybe it'll help push me towards getting the right help or something idfk. Sometimes it's like i wanna do it but i'm too scared of actually dying so it feels like a nice compromise. whatever the reason the idea is there sometimes, so i was wondering if anyone else felt the same/similar?

 

[chester]

I've been there. You feel like you want to kill yourself, but when it comes to actually doing it, you hope that you won't have to because maybe this or that would happen. The problem is, most of the time nothing happens, it's just survival instinct being rationalized by your brain. Life continues to be just as fucked as it was, only makes you feel like an idiot.

I agree though, that if my attempt were to fail, I wouldn't like it to do permanent damage. I'd like to be able to try again.

 

[eeah]

yea i do. kinda fking stupid but i wish i could like, kms and then float around as a ghost and see how ppl react and what happens. and failing an attempt would at least kinda see how ppl would react. ig its rly just an advanced way of saying im an attention whore lol

im also into it in the practice/compromise way, maybe if i wasnt too squeamish to cut/sh id have that need covered but i think itd feel nice. i have at least been able to borrow my parents guns and larp for a bit but not rly the same. at the same time, intentionally failing kinda makes it meaningless since its not really an actual attempt at that point. so maybe i just want to genuinely attempt but have it fail in such a way that i dont get permanent damage. but wanting it to fail makes it not a real attempt? idk really

part of it is also that i think itd be weird to like, have no attempts and then buy a gun and blow my brains out first try. i fs agree with the idea that maybe failing would help me get help in some way. but im strangely more drawn to the effective methods (malebrain) and dont have any pills on hand to down as a call for help. so idk how id do that and also, idk if id want my parents to know abt it. maybe but im not good with my dad so it probably wouldnt go well. sorry for yap

 

[rosepanda]

I've always felt like it would give confirmation on whether I did truly want to die or not

 

[Forever Sleep]

To be honest, no. I really want to get it right first time. I'd hate people to know I had attempted. That said, I have done things like check out a bridge. Partly to see how easy it would be to access but partly to see how it made me feel. Not much to be honest because I didn't really have the intention to jump.

 

[Peerless_Cucumber]

I chickened out of an attempt right after taking meds and ended up in the psych ward. Never again. One of the worst experiences of my life. Everyone in there regretted not doing it right the first time. Me too. The staff and the experience as a whole made me want to die even more than I already wanted to die before I got there. Not worth it.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

If you think of an attempt "that (hopefully) will fail" I would consider it as a cry for help rather than a serious suicide attempt. If you're not sure about it then don't attempt bc if it goes wrong and you survive with brain damage or other permanent health issues your life is an even bigger hell and you might never get the chance to attempt again.

In my case, I want only one attempt and that attempt must be successful. The shame of failing and/or ending up as a veggie must be unbearable.