Venting Does anyone abuse themselves as part of a trauma response?

[Water-Lily]

I find that the way I talk to myself and treat myself is a representation of how my mom treated me. The name calling, abuse, and punishment. I punish myself after every mistake because I was raised to be perfect. I was "punished" for small imperfections. Like one time I lost a sock. My mom blamed me and screamed at me and told me it was my fault. Things like this happened continuously throughout my life. So now I am afraid to make mistakes as it will reinforce that I am a failure. Whenever I do something "wrong" I use it as fuel to hurt myself. All from a place of unhealed trauma

Can anyone relate?

I also remember how my mom would guilt me. She would say "oh please don't be mad at mommy for how she beat you. Please forgive me. I won't do it again1". She would always say it with this cheery smile. And she would lament on how messed up her childhood was. How she was molested and and beaten. How she felt insecure about her body. But she was using it as an excuse. Like "oh woah is me I was abused pity me". She wanted me to pity her, not hold her accountable. She wanted to remain a victim, because if you're the victim you can avoid being wrong. Just....sick

 

[Symbiote]

Pretty often. Raised to be perfect, and any mistake or failure was met with swift punishment. I had set nigh impossible expectations of myself and punish myself when I didn't make those goals. Withholding food, hitting myself, negative self-talk, etc. because I grew up with that in childhood.

 

[Water-Lily]

Pretty often. Raised to be perfect, and any mistake or failure was met with swift punishment. I had set nigh impossible expectations of myself and punish myself when I didn't make those goals. Withholding food, hitting myself, negative self-talk, etc. because I grew up with that in childhood.

Its sad isn't it? No child should ever be raised to meet a standard of "perfection" that does not even exist. I wish my mom never abused me.

 

[Sea Turtle]

I do this as well. I can never be enough for me. I can never be good enough or smart enough or do enough because I'm my childhood, it's always "why didn't you get a A+" if I got an A. "Why didn't you win?" If I got second. So now, no matter what I do I feel like it's hopeless and I'm just the failure of the family and this world. I do things to try to prove my worth like go to college, but I can't even do that right.

 

[Water-Lily]

I do this as well. I can never be enough for me. I can never be good enough or smart enough or do enough because I'm my childhood, it's always "why didn't you get a A+" if I got an A. "Why didn't you win?" If I got second. So now, no matter what I do I feel like it's hopeless and I'm just the failure of the family and this world. I do things to try to prove my worth like go to college, but I can't even do that right.

My mom would beat me with a belt buckle if I failed. It felt like she was just unleashing all her hatred of me onto me. And just abused me as I screamed and cried. Now my brother is engaging in similar abuse tactics.
I also feel ashamed of my body because of her.

 

[Symbiote]

I'd minimize my accomplishments because that's what my family did to me. "Oh you can do this talent? So can 7 billion other people and they can do it better." It took me 14 months to get my bachelor's degree with no credits transferred in and being put on an accelerated program, that piece of paper hasn't left the envelope it came in. I refuse to hang it up on the wall because I have a little voice from my past telling me that others have one and because I sped through the program, it's a participation trophy.

 

[Sea Turtle]

My mom would beat me with a belt buckle if I failed. It felt like she was just unleashing all her hatred of me onto me. And just abused me as I screamed and cried. Now my brother is engaging in similar abuse tactics.
I also feel ashamed of my body because of her.

I'm so sorry that's so wrong .. it rarely got physical for me so I can't even begin to imagine how that must be and how it still affects you today. Mine was mostly emotional, but it got really bad to a point where I was seeking validation from other people which has lead to body image issues as well. It also hurts to see how all the abuse affects me and my brother as well, I don't want to be like then but I keep noticing similar patterns and it shatters my heart. I don't want to be that manipulative terrible person like they are …

 

[Water-Lily]

I'm so sorry that's so wrong .. it rarely got physical for me so I can't even begin to imagine how that must be and how it still affects you today. Mine was mostly emotional, but it got really bad to a point where I was seeking validation from other people which has lead to body image issues as well. It also hurts to see how all the abuse affects me and my brother as well, I don't want to be like then but I keep noticing similar patterns and it shatters my heart. I don't want to be that manipulative terrible person like they are …

Because you're aware I am sure you will be fine. Abusers lack awareness and remain stuck in their delusions. But we have a chance because we are aware and can face what happened to us

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

I think that I am almost masochistic and have no self-love because of my parents too and my childhood. It makes me mad because I have to deal with it now and it's not my fault.

 

[Water-Lily]

I think that I am almost masochistic and have no self-love because of my parents too and my childhood. It makes me mad because I have to deal with it now and it's not my fault.

You're right love, it is not your fault. Children are never at fault for the abuse bestowed upon them by the very people who brought them into this world. You deserved so much better *hugs*. But, healing is possible. I am trying to figure out what healing means for me.