Discussion Does anybody else get an intense fear of the unknown right before they try and CTB

[klm]

The only thing that usually stops me from ending it all is losing the girl I love but also just not knowing what happens afterwards sometimes it brings me feeling of fear that I cant describe

 

[issyishere]

i've tried vividly imagining myself doing the act and the fear of what's on the other side is even in my imagination. you're definitely not alone. if you wanna share what you're thinking of and let it off your chest i'm always here.

 

[Innereye]

Survival instinct is strong, we didnt really evolve to die like this.

 

[WhyIsLife56]

"If you fear psychological survival instinct, you can come to the realization that this is equivalent to fearing a hologram and/or shadows, --since it is a smoke-and-mirrors trick of perception. If you find yourself fearing a purely psychological or metaphysical survival instinct, you haven't thoroughly removed the sociocultural software that is ingrained in your psyche --ingrained out of pure happenstance due to the haphazard placement of your world line within whichever random society, culture, era, your life (through no choice of your own) is randomly ingrained in.

There is no "survival instinct," only laziness/hastiness of method orchestration and its unsurprisingly subsequent "buyer's remorse" (of which there are more than a few examples of on this site: drowning, hanging, suffocation instead of asphyxiation, blunt force trauma, etc.)

"A successful suicide demands good organization and a cool head, both of which are usually incompatible with the suicidal state of mind."

 

[Zoltiel]

Indeed, CTB takes courage

 

[Knowledgeseeker]

When I think of that time I might have to CTB, I just think of all the taxes I'll never have to generate for the damned government, and the shit I won't have to take from anymore ridiculous corporate rules or underpayment of wages. It might just be the thing that pushes me over the edge anyway as it won't pay for shit these days. I don't know how anyone really survives with the nonsense humans dump on each other. I love my cats, but if I can't live in this world, I'm not really afraid of the other side if there is one. You might not even know you are dead if the atheists are correct. And if God can't love me enough to understand why I can't live in this dystopian nonsense of a world, then why is that my fault? Christians say God owes us no answers. I say BS to that, God certainly does. I didn't ask to come to this reality, and I certainly don't need permission to leave, like a bad party where everyone is a nut case and you are the only sane one. If you love someone, and someone loves you, then don't leave. If you have a job you love and make a nice living, don't leave. You have no reason unless you are in physical pain and are going to die anyway. Don't worry about the other side, people do it every day. Much of the religious fear mongering is because they wanted to keep people filling the coffers of the church, so they put the psycho fear of suicide into the minds of the members. Its all just psychological and most Christians don't know what the hell they are talking about.

If you are a Christian, trust Jesus to be there when you die, and if he isn't, then he wasn't a saviour at all.

 

[mesohappy]

Yup..I was close yesterday morning,as the sun was beginning to peak through the window.All kind of thoughts popping in my head.Never seeing light like this again,an angry God chastising me and sending me to damnation and eternal suffering,hearing my grandpa saying its the cowards way out."What will I see?What will I feel?Will I feel anything?What if something goes wrong?"..Fuck it,not today.I don't have to right this minute...

 

[Knowledgeseeker]

Yup..I was close yesterday morning,as the sun was beginning to peak through the window.All kind of thoughts popping in my head.Never seeing light like this again,an angry God chastising me and sending me to damnation and eternal suffering,hearing my grandpa saying its the cowards way out."What will I see?What will I feel?Will I feel anything?What if something goes wrong?"..Fuck it,not today.I don't have to right this minute...

I have a relationship with God, and its one of, okay, prove it. I'll rely on you, and if nothing comes through, then you must have wanted me to do it myself. After all, I've had to do everything else myself so why not this? I don't know why I'm kept alive as nothing has really ever worked for me, no love, no sex, child abuse when I was little, no decent jobs even though I pushed all the button I was told to push. I just don't get it. How can a God damn anyone for wanting to leave a life he or she didn't sign up to be born into? Its pretty arrogant to create people into these vulnerable and painful bodies. I've always been a bit of a crank about being alive for as far back as I can remember. I was a tired and unhappy child, especially after my bout with meningitis that went to my spine at age 2. I often wonder why I wasn't just allowed to die then.

I couldn't understand why anyone would want to commit suicide when I was about 5 or so until I started getting hassled at school by jerks who didn't understand my sensitive nature. Sensitive people don't belong in this world, and that's not my damned fault.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

The only thing that usually stops me from ending it all is losing the girl I love but also just not knowing what happens afterwards sometimes it brings me feeling of fear that I cant describe

Yes !!! I know the feeling. I feel sad & scared and a little sick. Also a feeling I can't describe either. I don't have a girl anymore but I don't want to hurt family & friends.

 

[mesohappy]

Yup,I hear you loud and clear bud,sorry bout your fucked up life.Messed me up watchin my 4 year old niece die from cancer awhile back.Ive lost other relatives and watched'em suffer like hell and die from it,but they had at least lived somewhat full lives.But c'mon God..A four year old? You let a FOUR year old go through THIS?? WTF??!

 

[Isittimetogonola]

From one of my notes:
Maybe this is my sick way of punishing the world. The world had a chance, I waited and waited then I just gave up. This world doesn't want me so I am going to move on

Once I get over my SI, I will be gone. But everyday I try to see something that will be worth keeping me here. Those days are getting fewer and farther between.

 

[AlreadyGone]

I would ensure that all fears and doubts are gone before CTBing. When that is the case, I know I am ready.

 

[EndItQuickly]

Yup..I was close yesterday morning,as the sun was beginning to peak through the window.All kind of thoughts popping in my head.Never seeing light like this again,an angry God chastising me and sending me to damnation and eternal suffering,hearing my grandpa saying its the cowards way out."What will I see?What will I feel?Will I feel anything?What if something goes wrong?"..Fuck it,not today.I don't have to right this minute...

"What if something goes wrong"

This is my only fear. The pain others will feel if I leave is a strong deterrent, but not a fear. Thinking about what is on the other side is exciting to me. There is no hell or heaven or any other man made ideas. It's either something incredible(an existence we've all known many times before), or nonexistence.

 

[mesohappy]

"What if something goes wrong"

This is my only fear. The pain others will feel if I leave is a strong deterrent, but not a fear. Thinking about what is on the other side is exciting to me. There is no hell or heaven or any other man made ideas. It's either something incredible(an existence we've all known many times before), or nonexistence.

Yeah that's a huge one.Not even so much feeling pain before death,but messing up and making things worse than they already are.Then somehow not being able to attempt again.

 

[LastRide]

Survival instinct is strong, we didnt really evolve to die like this.

Yep, and that's a total pain in the arse - forgive my bad language ! Why did we evolve to stay alive if we do not get a right to live without being in constant total fucking physical and mental pain? I sometimes think that if only I was born a few decades earlier, natural selection or some war would have had me on the « out » list already, and I would not have to be on this forum....even though I greatly enjoy being here, don't get me wrong ! But we really did not evolve to end up having a suicide forum to be the highlight of your day....