doctor doesn't get it

[moonlightbeach]

does anyone else notice that non-suicidal people are so locked up in their mind because the society left a bad mark on it?

this morning I was at a regular check-up for my trauma after a failed ctb train attempt. the surgeon seemed nice so i talked with them a little bit and i mentioned my psychosis, after which he mentioned that ctb is against biological nature and that something is wrong with our heads. they also said that "we spent money and effort on you so this is your second chance to say thank you and carry on". i didn't confront them but left with a feeling of disgust.

it's ridiculous because all humans are wired differently and .. i don't owe you anything! i don't care if you spent money and effort, i'm not a thaumaturgical experiment.

i'm so tired of listening to these lies and not being able to respond because i'd get taken to the ward

would like to hear similar stories !

 

[moonlightbeach]

that is a mean person. Who ever said that to you is clealy emotiojnally unintelligent and has no emotional awareness whatsoever. sounds like a narcasist trying to throw somthing in you face like that. like what did she expect you to say back "oh sorry thank you so much for paying for the system that feads of me suffering????" LIKE COME ON they are so incompitent
to add i went to hosital couple months back right cause I wanted help that time was told "if you really want to ctb no one is gonna stop you" by a docter himself

you expressed it really well. i think that the idea of ctb in society is ephemeral - that it's just a part of life that stays for a while and leaves us and then strikes again - like those volcanic islands that erupt and form and then dissolve in the body of water when the process is finished. i find it's very comical how non-suicidal people will just accept "I'm fine" and then think that ctb was just an emotional response.

so sorry about the hospital and the doctor. that just highlights what you said about emotional awareness - when you needed help the most you got what felt like a rejection and that it'll be worthless.

 

[bankai]

we spent money and effort on you so this is your second chance to say thank you and carry on"

If a doctor had said this to me,

 

[monetpompo]

when i was still going to my religious high school, i told the receptionist that i kept on vomiting because of my depression medication (wellbutrin and seroquel) and that i wanted to die. i was rapidly losing weight and the smell of food made me nauseous. i couldn't keep my retainers because i would need to take them out when i puked in so my dentists accused me of having bulimia and said i needed to wear them regularly.

i told the receptionist that i didn't have any hope and that i didn't want to keep living like this if no one was going to care about me. one of my favorite teachers had left the school and i had no friends there. she said, "well, it's god's grace that you're alive". then i wanted to strangle her. she and all the other teachers and students wouldn't understand how i felt because they all believed in god or they had friends who believed in god, so they thought that if they just kept on believing in their religion everything would be fine. i was a complete outcast up until i graduated. i couldn't get along with anyone else because i seemed to fundamentally disagree with them. if i told the that lady i'm 20 years old and i still want god to kill me, she'd probably tell me to pray more.

 

[dontwakemeup]

If someone was being treated for a suicide attempt via train, that clearly means they were mentally ready to go. I'll even say this, any attempt no matter what route is a clear indicator that person has accepted death and whatever if anything follows! As a suicide survivor, what that surgeon told you was no doubt what you expected to hear, I would've been pissed! I can understand the need to send one off in your situation with kind and encouraging words, BUT sometimes it's best to become a great listener instead! It's unfortunate we are forced to stay here against our will living inside of a prison without walls. We try to tell them how we truly feel and we know whats next, 5150, so we learn to keep our thoughts to ourselves. Unfortunately, society will never understand us until someone in their family commits suicide and then they will run and look for answers and understanding. Their favorite saying in almost every case is, "There were no signs!" Society has taught us to be quiet and so we have. I've quickly learned a red flag with people is when you ask then, "How are you?" When they respond, "I'm fine," I immediately think to myself are they really? Those were the same words so many of us have said and people ignored the warnings.

And you don't owe that surgeon anything, not even a thank you! I would have walked away without a simply thank you! I know it can be confusing and emotionally difficult after a failed attempt. How are you truly feeling today? Do you feel safe? Do you have someone with you right now to help you through today? I surely hope you do.

If a doctor had said this to me,

Yes, college is definitely important! We must wait until we graduate college lol.

 

[whyyyyyyyy]

Suicide is one of those things that simply can't be promoted, regardless of what people really think behind the scenes. As living beings, with a seeming bias towards being alive, suicide is naturally a thing which doesn't get entertained whatsoever. It's an unacceptable thing to express publicly. Just how it is. It's very natural and universal to ponder suicide, but by its very nature tends to be underdiscussed.

And when someone, like a doctor, has personally decided against suicide, they can't entertain an alternative position for even a second, because their firmness in favor of life is integral to their function, to the character that they play in life. If they honestly questioned that belief they've settled upon for even a moment, their entire being might unravel.

It's a hard pill to swallow, but this is a sentiments that will never receive strong validation from the external world. It has to be private, like in your own head, or on this little forum. At least there's this. Maybe this forum is itself yet another distraction field from our own deeply personal contemplation.

 

[moonlightbeach]

Unfortunately, society will never understand us until someone in their family commits suicide and then they will run and look for answers and understanding. Their favorite saying in almost every case is, "There were no signs!" Society has taught us to be quiet and so we have. I've quickly learned a red flag with people is when you ask then, "How are you?" When they respond, "I'm fine," I immediately think to myself are they really? Those were the same words so many of us have said and people ignored the warnings.

that's most likely how it is, unless you can find a chosen family. a really interesting scenario happened earlier to me when i was going to my psychologist with a family member and they would feel so guilty that they couldn't save me, be there for me, etc. which are all totally normal responses, but once i started giving my explanation that family member was able to identify the signs so easily and started to gain even more guilt and they saw it. it's a very complicated relationship.

How are you truly feeling today? Do you feel safe? Do you have someone with you right now to help you through today? I surely hope you do.

i'm feeling very confused about the whole situation, like you said. i've been dissociated ever since the attempt. i saw a couple of friends this week and went to a concert and it was really great and i'm excited to see what meds i get! i can care of myself but i have paranoia sometimes, so i have one of my parents living with me at the moment. for today i'm just planning to have some nice dinner! hope you're safe and well


thank you for your response

 

[moonlightbeach]

when i was still going to my religious high school, i told the receptionist that i kept on vomiting because of my depression medication (wellbutrin and seroquel) and that i wanted to die. i was rapidly losing weight and the smell of food made me nauseous. i couldn't keep my retainers because i would need to take them out when i puked in so my dentists accused me of having bulimia and said i needed to wear them regularly.

i told the receptionist that i didn't have any hope and that i didn't want to keep living like this if no one was going to care about me. one of my favorite teachers had left the school and i had no friends there. she said, "well, it's god's grace that you're alive". then i wanted to strangle her. she and all the other teachers and students wouldn't understand how i felt because they all believed in god or they had friends who believed in god, so they thought that if they just kept on believing in their religion everything would be fine. i was a complete outcast up until i graduated. i couldn't get along with anyone else because i seemed to fundamentally disagree with them. if i told the that lady i'm 20 years old and i still want god to kill me, she'd probably tell me to pray more.

it all feels temporary to some people - as if the suicidal thoughts won't linger on later in life, and that you just need to get rid of these thoughts specifically. i almost don't see anyone talk about the reasons why - it's always "this will pass". i definitely relate to not having friends in school and having no school counselor that i could talk to. i also totally get the aggression. it took me 19 years to get in a position where i at least have people that don't judge me and where i'm free to talk. the "pray more" is such a common excuse, i think, because my grandma used to say a similar thing when i was growing up. i just hope that your path will get a little bit easier for you to bear.

Suicide is one of those things that simply can't be promoted, regardless of what people really think behind the scenes. As living beings, with a seeming bias towards being alive, suicide is naturally a thing which doesn't get entertained whatsoever. It's an unacceptable thing to express publicly. Just how it is. It's very natural and universal to ponder suicide, but by its very nature tends to be underdiscussed.

And when someone, like a doctor, has personally decided against suicide, they can't entertain an alternative position for even a second, because their firmness in favor of life is integral to their function, to the character that they play in life. If they honestly questioned that belief they've settled upon for even a moment, their entire being might unravel.

It's a hard pill to swallow, but this is a sentiments that will never receive strong validation from the external world. It has to be private, like in your own head, or on this little forum. At least there's this. Maybe this forum is itself yet another distraction field from our own deeply personal contemplation.

i love that from you. i think that is very much the case, people need to fulfill a certain role in the society and, doctors specifically must not promote death when there are cases where it gets better and try to help as much as they can. in the end, it's not an easy decision to make.