Venting Doctor appointment

[falloutcarter13]

I was sleeping really well...I've been sleeping like a baby for once in my life, ever since I made the decision to ctb I'm finally sleeping well. But I had to wake up really early this morning to go to a Dr appt to see if my broken foot needs surgery. On one hand, this is so fucking stupid considering what I have planned. On the other, I have to follow up with stuff like this, because I can't let anyone around me get suspicious of what I intend to do. I do NOT want to leave them behind saying "oh god look, here's ALL these examples of why we should have seen this coming, its all our fault." So for the sake of that, I have to pretend. Just like I have to a lesser degree for my whole life. I think its all the pretending to be okay that's the most exhausting. I can't wait to not have to fake it anymore and just rest.

Thanks for letting me bitch and moan =)

 

[Sinai Silence]

I get that, having to keep that mask on gets so exhausting and faking emotions is really draining.

I hope the doctor's visits don't get to tedious for you and I wish a speedy recovery for you and your foot :)

All the best

 

[Kae]

one thing that could help you when outside trying to fake emotions, is to do your best to smile - don't force your mouth, pay attention to your eyes and how they crease up when you smile, you'll find it comes far more naturally

 

[LetzteAusfahrt]

I was sleeping really well...I've been sleeping like a baby for once in my life, ever since I made the decision to ctb I'm finally sleeping well. But I had to wake up really early this morning to go to a Dr appt to see if my broken foot needs surgery. On one hand, this is so fucking stupid considering what I have planned. On the other, I have to follow up with stuff like this, because I can't let anyone around me get suspicious of what I intend to do. I do NOT want to leave them behind saying "oh god look, here's ALL these examples of why we should have seen this coming, its all our fault." So for the sake of that, I have to pretend. Just like I have to a lesser degree for my whole life. I think its all the pretending to be okay that's the most exhausting. I can't wait to not have to fake it anymore and just rest.

Thanks for letting me bitch and moan =)

I understand you very well.
I've been playing this game for 4 months and have to play it for another 2 months.

It is sometimes funny when I promise something to some authorities that would only be after my ctb.

But I'm in psychological treatment all the time.
Outpatient and already inpatient. Even if my therapist knows about my ctb thoughts, of course she shouldn't recognize that I will guarantee it and the whole treatment is for nothing.

It is becoming increasingly difficult to pretend that I have hope for my future.
It is becoming increasingly difficult to make the non-suicide promise without having to smile