Discussion Do your loved ones deserve to know?

[Iblitan]

Whether they're your close friend, family member, significant other, do you think people you're close to deserve to know that you're going to CTB in the near future? I've been feeling suicidal everyday and I'm pretty sure I'm gonna snap one day. I feel guilty for leaving my significant other behind. I don't want to make him feel guilt, sadness, or trauma. We're in a long distance relationship and I am thinking of just doing it without telling him anything. I'm hoping he might think that I've ghosted him. That pain is definitely less severe than the truth. What do you think?

 

[Forever Sleep]

For me, I've told some people and not others. The one friend that still keeps in touch, I've intimated heavily that it's a possibility in the near future. They've had ideation themselves- which made it easier to tell them. But, it's more that it's their choice now- whether they want to stay in touch- with that as a possibility/ probability.

More distant friends, I haven't told. I think they may actually make more effort to keep in touch if I did but, I don't want them to feel like they knew but still didn't do enough to 'save' me. Because I truly don't think they could 'save' me anyway. It seems better in my head that they can say- we would have done more if we'd only known. Rather than- we knew and we didn't do enough. Plus, I can't be sure they wouldn't keep a closer eye on me and possibly try to intervene during an attempt.

Regarding family- my Dad is the only closest family member left. My hope is to hold on till he goes first. In which case- there's no need to upset him with that knowledge beforehand. If however, it gets to the point I don't feel like I can hold on anymore, I think I would try to forwarn him.

Regarding the rest of my family- they are either step relations or very estranged now. Again, I worry that forwarning them may mean they try to intervene.

It's an interesting phrase you used though- do they 'deserve' to know. I suppose if they truly love us and the impact would hit them hard- I think it's kinder to warn them. The harder part is whether they are likely to try and understand/ accept the decision or, intervene. I think those wanting to recover and those open to things like therapy and even psyche ward stays- if they panic- should tell them to get their support. It's much trickier though- for those who are sure they want to go, don't want to be intervened but also know their loved ones won't easily accept it. It's much trickier to know then.

I suppose ideally, I think we ought to be able to tell people but then, I can understand why people don't.

 

[grizzlycamel]

I don't talk to my mother. I used to have some close friends but they don't seem like I can trust them to not call authorities about it. The "friends" I have now I don't talk to like that. Only my ex I've ever trusted with talking to about it but I can't talk to him anymore. My partner I've tried talking to him about it but he'd just tell me to talk to my psyc (I don't have one anymore). Then one time he tried to call a wellness check on me and I ran away. So now I say nothing to him about any emotions like that anymore.

When I really feel like the true time is coming down I'll write a letter for him really. It'll have my regards to a couple of other people like my mother but no one is knowing except anyone on here that'll see my comments or posts

 

[witchcraft]

Speaking only for myself and personal experience, nothing good came of letting loved ones or family know. The best outcome was if nothing really happened or ultimately changed. But usually it was like opening a door that can never be closed. They treat you differently ever after.

 

[idontknowwhatiam]

No

 

[Tired_birth_1967]

My wife knows what I think about life. That doesn't mean I'm constantly talking to her about it. That's what this website is for. She can imagine that, even so, I'll never be able to do that. I've never spoken directly about it (CTB) , but she knows I don't like that process, she knows I don't believe in God or the supernatural, and she knows how my mind works in those aspects. But I believe that, after the initial surprise and pain, she will understand. I don't plan on leaving a letter or anything like that.

 

[Yogih212]

No, I can't say anything, I'm the last person anyone would expect to consider suicide, it would break their heart AND have them intervene 100%

 

[IwantSN]

No, They can't help me stop being suicidal so I think telling them would just cause them unnecessary stress which would make me feel even worse

 

[OnceTheHappiestMan]

I've done it in moments of weakness to close people, thinking that this would help them understand me... but it didn't help at all, it did make them worry more.

Moreover, because they don't understand the "state of mind", it doesn't help them understand you more, actually I'm afraid it would make them feel more remorse if/when I ctb, because they knew about it and couldn't do anything, we know there's nothing they could do, but that's not how non-suicidal people think.

Your case anyway is different, it could make sense that this person deserves, as you said, to know, instead of hoping that he forgets about you and don't discover by himself. But in this case maybe a caring, thoughtful, after goodbye message could be better? it's not an easy decision.

 

[OzymandiAsh]

Good question... previously I was honest, as I thought they deserved that and naturally I am bad at lying anyway. But after they got me sectioned and intruded in other weird ways, I am comfortable lying to them now.

 

[ShadowedChaos]

I've been very back and forth with this subject. I have wrote notes in the past but I don't know about this time I might just send one letter or I'll just make a quick short post on socials or an email that gets sent out. But lately I've been thinking maybe no note or anything idk might just have the one last post or say goodbye here on sasu. They probably deserve to know but maybe they also don't deserve it at all I don't know how to feel will people be sad maybe, did they give a fuck while I was around maybe also but also not in so many ways.

 

[black_iris]

I have in the past but i think that not letting them know is better because if they think ur serious you might end up in a ward. also if you tell them then they might think ur telling them because you still have hope for survival and then when you ctb theyll feel super guilty because they interpreted your message as a last call for help. If youre 100% sure then you shouldn't tell them beforehand. I think writing notes its fine but theyll still feel at least a bit guilty.

 

[thinvy]

I do sincerely wish I could tell people. Unfortunately, prepping them for my death would do more harm than good. I'm determined to die, have been for years, and they would all try too hard to save me. I know I'd end up resenting everyone and dying angry in some rushed hack job of a suicide. I've spent so many hours crying over not being able to talk about how badly I want to not be alive, and I know how suddenly people can start watching you when they get scared. I don't want to be afraid I'll get caught when I finally do end myself soon. I don't want to be alone, but if anyone stops me now I don't know what I'll do.

it would be so nice if I could tell my mom though. I wish I could make arrangements with her to meet me halfway or something so I could bring her my car with less stress and spend my last days with the last people I give half a shit about. I wish I could tell my little sibling so they wouldn't be cought by surprise, and so mom could give them more attention and make sure they're in therapy and safe, at least until they're an adult and can make big decisions like this. I wish I could apologize to my older sibling and ask her what went wrong between us so long ago, but I think that would just hurt us more.

in short, yes, but also definitely not. I don't think anyone really "deserves" to know anything you don't want to share. I feel like maybe with spouses/significant others, a little heads up would be... better, maybe? idk. my sense of love is busted and doesn't really work right.