Venting Do you wish to not exist all the time?

[FuneralCry]

I always do as non-existence is so ideal, it's true peace to me, it's the only relief and safety from suffering, one cannot be harmed by sleeping eternally.

Existence is just replusive and undesirable in general, existence itself is the ultimate problem so of course the only comfort lies in non-existence, there is nothing appealing about being trapped in this world having the ability to suffer endlessly just slowly decaying from age.

Only non-existence can solve all problems for me which is why I'm always wishing for it, suicide is self care which is why it's inhumane how we cannot easily escape from everything.

 

[dogtired]

Out of interest, what's keeping you from ending it? Not trying to encourage you, just genuinely curious since I see you share these kinds of thoughts quite a bit and wondering if you have something keeping you here or you're just not ready to ctb yet? Only answer if you're comfortable sharing, hope this was ok to ask :) always interested in people's perspectives on this stuff.

 

[saddestbunny]

yea I hope I die in my sleep every day but every time I wake up I'm treated to fresh bad experiences and loneliness always a great time just need to be gone

 

[Kerrtu]

Sleep is the closest I get to peace while I'm existing. When I wake, the feeling of dread is immediate. I feel this disappointment each time I wake.

After my first attempt, which was very close to being successful, I woke - not feeling glad or grateful to have survived. I felt crushing disappointment.

If I had never existed at all…I can only imagine, though I'd bet the barn it would've been the best outcome.

 

[cscott]

life is utterly meaningless. It's literally all pointless & I cannot wait to return to the nothingness.

It's a complete cosmic joke & I can't wait for death. I longgggggg to sink back into the void
Completely!!

Nothing even matters & experiencing chaos manifested on earth is utter hell. Survival is the lowest form to be in & no matter how much money you have you are always ina state of it.

Just having to eat everyday is a state of survival…

I'm quite sick tbh!

 

[the_polar_man]

Hi, I'm new here, but I can chime in on this topic. I'm 38, with bipolar 2. I'm pretty successful, with a high paying wfh job, wife of 18 years, teenage kids that love me and don't treat me like shit, a great house in an amazing suburb and everyone tells me how happy I should be and how a lot of people dream of a life like mine. But I've been living with suicidal ideations for 26 years and if before I stayed around to see what's next, now I don't care at all. What is there to see? What is there to accomplish? I've done everything, traveled the path from homeless, to six figures, met a lifetime partner, raised great kids, played in a band, helped a lot of people with donations. I feel like I've done everything I've ever wanted. But no matter what I do, I can never stop the chemical processes in my brain. I wake up and want to die regularly. I feel like it for days and weeks. I work, I sit outside and drink beer and then I go to sleep hoping that I will not wake up. I've gone to the hospital before when I felt really suicidal, but it's like going to prison, they don't help you. I can't really kill myself, because it will cause my kids irreparable trauma. So I just have to stick around and wait? For how long? 10 years, 20 years, 30 years? What the hell am I supposed to do all this time? Watch youtube and drink beer? Why did I have kids, they are now holding me back in this world. This sucks, man.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Not every waking moment- no but definitely- a lot of the time. If I'm able to be on my own and don't need to focus on other things- my mind will usually gravitate to suicidal thoughts. The fear of having to one day bring things to a close- the physical process of it. Then, I invariably just wish I didn't have this problem- that is life- to begin with.

Still- when you work or study- you simply can't be distracted by suicidal thoughts the entire time. You have to focus on what you're being paid to do for at least some of the time. Do you never wish you had things to distract yourself with? I guess you see it as pointless but I'm assuming you're also in a position where you don't need to focus on other things? Not that that's necessarily a good thing- obviously. If you're prevented from doing anything or distacting yourself because of ill health- that's got to be awful. I'm sorry- it's got to be a complete torment to go through life hating and resenting every single second of it.

 

[jussaloser]

i feel like the world would be a better place if i was never born.
every human interaction with me gets awkward.
i ruin every party i show up on.
the only thing that keeps me alive is that i dont want my mom to be sad and follow my steps.

 

[cscott]

Hi, I'm new here, but I can chime in on this topic. I'm 38, with bipolar 2. I'm pretty successful, with a high paying wfh job, wife of 18 years, teenage kids that love me and don't treat me like shit, a great house in an amazing suburb and everyone tells me how happy I should be and how a lot of people dream of a life like mine. But I've been living with suicidal ideations for 26 years and if before I stayed around to see what's next, now I don't care at all. What is there to see? What is there to accomplish? I've done everything, traveled the path from homeless, to six figures, met a lifetime partner, raised great kids, played in a band, helped a lot of people with donations. I feel like I've done everything I've ever wanted. But no matter what I do, I can never stop the chemical processes in my brain. I wake up and want to die regularly. I feel like it for days and weeks. I work, I sit outside and drink beer and then I go to sleep hoping that I will not wake up. I've gone to the hospital before when I felt really suicidal, but it's like going to prison, they don't help you. I can't really kill myself, because it will cause my kids irreparable trauma. So I just have to stick around and wait? For how long? 10 years, 20 years, 30 years? What the hell am I supposed to do all this time? Watch youtube and drink beer? Why did I have kids, they are now holding me back in this world. This sucks, man.

Get your hands on N somehow .. you've got the cash & no one ever has to know u killed urself. Or obvs ur wife will perhaps but leave a note for her not to tell kids if she finds out.

N keeps u looking like u went in ur sleep..

I truly wish the same thing every night.. everything is external & it can never ever truly fulfill u from within. Or fix that brain chatter.. i feel it's all time for us to join back within the eternal nothingness beyond this reality as to why we all feel so similar in ways.

Hopefully it will all be over soon! In the end you have to choose yourself but do what thy will

 

[Deleted member 65988]

Yeah why not, it's not like I'd miss out on anything that I'd rather stick around for.

 

[StolenLife]

Most of the time I do, however not when I'm distracted by books, movies or games and of course when I'm sleeping.

 

[h4yate]

yeah id love to just not exist entirely. life just feels like a 'same shit different day' type of thing and i dont want to continue living a groundhog day kind of life.

 

[OutOfTheVoid]

yeah definitely agree and relate. i see existence as inherently a harm from the start, we shouldnt have had to be born when we never could have asked for that, we just get thrown into these years of suffering and pain. and if i did somehow have the choice, there's no way i'd ever choose to be born. i'd rather i never existed, and since that's not the case i'd at least like to stop existing forever

 

[Nephis]

Not exactly, I feel like what comes after death will be a new adventure and a new hope, I honestly can't wait to see what new lives await me, my belief is that on the other side will be a new happiness.

~I hope for you, peace

 

[lonelywander]

Not exactly, I feel like what comes after death will be a new adventure and a new hope, I honestly can't wait to see what new lives await me, my belief is that on the other side will be a new happiness.

~I hope for you, peace

From your name, I think I'm familiar with your beliefs. Thank you for sharing them.
It's painful to read all of yours pain. OP, you do express strongly that you don't want to exist, because existing is suffering for you. It's mysterious because you don't share the reasons why.
I hope you can stop suffering, dead or alive.

 

[Nephis]

From your name, I think I'm familiar with your beliefs. Thank you for sharing them.
It's painful to read all of yours pain. OP, you do express strongly that you don't want to exist, because existing is suffering for you. It's mysterious because you don't share the reasons why.
I hope you can stop suffering, dead or alive.

Oh, I'm sorry I do not follow those belief's my name has nothing to do with Nephy, it has to do with a character in a story I love.
I have no connection to any of the mormon belief's, I have my own unique belief's

 

[ultrasharpy123456]

24/7 365 days a year. All day everyday.

 

[damianshawl]

yes. but planning my exit as we speak. trying to figure out if i wanna jump or hang myself, may go with hanging.

 

[lonelywander]

Oh, I'm sorry I do not follow those belief's my name has nothing to do with Nephy, it has to do with a character in a story I love.
I have no connection to any of the mormon belief's, I have my own unique belief's

Sorry, my mistake

 

[Nephis]

Sorry, my mistake

You are fine

yes. but planning my exit as we speak. trying to figure out if i wanna jump or hang myself, may go with hanging.

I hope for you, peace in your travels