C
Circles
Visionary
- Sep 3, 2018
- 2,297
The one reason I'm holding back is for my mom and brother. I don't want to hurt them or cause them to experience grief again or even the thought of being the cause that would lead to their suicides also. My mom has said before whenever I get in my bad moments expressing how bad I want to die and then she'd say how she couldn't live without me that she has no one else or anybody that loves her enough as much as I do. And then with my brother I can't help but feel guilty and deep regret that not only will he have to deal with my death he may end up dealing with my moms death also if she kill herself after I do and I can't help myself thinking that he may even kill himself after losing the only close family he has meaning that I'd destroy my family just because I want to die. It's like a fucked up domino effect. I didn't ask for this I don't want this responsibility to keep my already fragile fucked up family from tearing apart. I try to rationalize myself that it's a lost cause and sooner or later it's all going for fall apart anyway. Why the fuck does this have be so fucking hard? The guilt is eating away at me thinking of the grief and loneliness both of them may experience but living for others gets old after a while it eventually feels shallow and empty just like everything else does. Even the 'I love you's' gets emptier and emptier until I'm left feeling nothing and yet I still feel obligated to keep living for them. I'm scared of hurting them but I'm more scared of experiencing a lifetime of senseless suffering. Why do I have to care so much? Why does everything have to be so fucking complicated like holy fuck.
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