I just don't see how you can live life after being suicidal for so long. Over half my life if that is saying much. I feel like I have invested and lost so so much over the thought of killing myself. This thought has destroyed me and everything a living being would deem worthy in life. I cringe at the thought of me actually doing anything perceived as living. I feel like a shell of a person who never was supposed to be here. Just empty stuck in place inside a meat sack. Just an anomaly and a mistake where I never belonged in the first place. I have no direction or no motivation into investing into something I wholeheartedly believe is a pointless, drawn out, painful experience. Lifers would say it would always get better but they never think about for how long until the next shitstorm happens in reminding you just how miserable your existence can be. Maybe it's all about perspective. Maybe I'm just making excuses. Maybe I'm just not fucking trying hard enough eh? But I'm sure as hell not going to cheer the fuck up about waking up day in and day out and being expected to put up with shit constantly that lifers like to say, 'Welp that's just life.' Like wow, as if that's good enough for putting up with life's constant bullshit. Every aspect of life is controlled. I'm at a point where I honestly believe suicide is the only absolute control over our being. I feel I've pushed as far as I can go and I'm just stuck in limbo waiting for that moment when the urge and determination last.
RM5998
Sack of Meat
- Sep 3, 2018
- 2,202
Can relate
.Honestly, I'm pretty sure now that I don't have (and will never have) the spine for self-termination. I'm just floating from one moment to the next now, and hopefully I will impulsively kill myself someday.
Holy shit, I thought you had passed. Missed you.Can relate
Honestly, I'm pretty sure now that I don't have (and will never have) the spine for self-termination. I'm just floating from one moment to the next now, and hopefully I will impulsively kill myself someday.
And yea just too far gone, drifting ever so slowly into the abyss.
RM5998
Sack of Meat
- Sep 3, 2018
- 2,202
I wish I had passed. I keep wondering why I can't do it. It's not physically daunting at all (at least with partial suspension).
I'm supposed to intern at some random university this summer, and try to get a job this July. Less than a year later, I'm supposed to be a working adult. And I can barely keep myself together. At least there's a bunch of projects this semester to distract myself.
Redt2go
flower child
- Jan 5, 2019
- 1,643
I wish I could give you advice but I was the the same before I tried being a working adult. Shit is hard and honesty I miss being homeless sometimes. I have overstayed the tolerance of my failures. It's pathetic ain't it living on fumes basically.
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Funny thing, I could. For a while, I genuinely wanted to be alive. A while being like almost 2 years. It was too good to be true though. I suppose that... If your dreams or anything come true, yea you can...
Vaughn
Experienced
- Feb 21, 2019
- 227
And that's the thing, I never had any aspirations. No drive to do something whatever that may be. It just feels so empty. Trying would only make me feel like I'm hiding from the pain I feel knowing I don't want anything out of life. It's just something to put up with as best you can until you can't.
Been trying. Practicing mostly and hoping that I mistakenly lose my footing and drift into that sweet spot. I've been thinking of switching to a ratchet and add padding to compress the arteries as @BurningLights used.
dandan
One more attempt on life.
- Feb 18, 2019
- 1,298
I can relate, so many years spent into depression, confusion and suicidal thinking that today I have not accomplished anything so far, and the idea to start living now is ridiculous since I have problems doing it, and there has been so much wasted time that trying to catch up life would be just plain hard.
self termination is really daunting and scary, I tried the Nitrogen Suicide Bag once but failed , I dunno if I could try it again, but living moment to moment, day by day, is carrying pain and regrets and losses.
In my case, I lost it all,
I dont own a house,
I live on a small monthly salary
and I dont have the vision as to how I could ever be happy, or find a good life, not on this circunstances.
Wish I had a shotgun, something thats not painful or difficult, obtaining N is probably my weekend challenge, I would only have Saturday to go and look at a vet shop.....
so im living..... and looking for a way to die
self termination is really daunting and scary, I tried the Nitrogen Suicide Bag once but failed , I dunno if I could try it again, but living moment to moment, day by day, is carrying pain and regrets and losses.
In my case, I lost it all,
I dont own a house,
I live on a small monthly salary
and I dont have the vision as to how I could ever be happy, or find a good life, not on this circunstances.
Wish I had a shotgun, something thats not painful or difficult, obtaining N is probably my weekend challenge, I would only have Saturday to go and look at a vet shop.....
so im living..... and looking for a way to die
I could probably use my grandfathers shotgun but I don't want to have him blame himself or anybody to clean up the mess my brain would make. Also I don't know why but I'm more scared of using a shotgun compared to a handgun. The gore of it is a scene I don't want to leave stained into memory. Though I'm probably going to try to get my handgun license and any permits just so feel at ease knowing I'm safe to do it for sure whenever I can. Especially if hanging doesn't finish the job first.
Same. What happened is that i, stupidly enough, fell in love again. But with someone who never hit, abuse, or rape me in any possible way. I'd hug him and the only word i had in mind was home. But yep. Lost it. Hence why I'm here.
That's yet another reason why I hate trying to form relationships is because they never last long. Atleast you felt love and tried. I wouldn't know where to begin. Peace be with you okay.
It's okay hon... one more month maximum and I'm gone, if i don't chicken out like in the last minutes.
TAW122
Emissary of the right to die.
- Aug 30, 2018
- 6,798
I can relate on some level. I would say throughout my life, I've decided that like meh, I don't care about doing what I'm doing to become successful because I'm just going to die anyways. There are times where I've built up progress to amount to something, but something comes and then trashes my progress, thus forcing me to start back at square one again.
Ultimately, I know that I will die so I don't really try to hard, especially like right now in life, if things suck a week from now, then I won't bother trying to get better in life because I'll just die end of May.
Ultimately, I know that I will die so I don't really try to hard, especially like right now in life, if things suck a week from now, then I won't bother trying to get better in life because I'll just die end of May.
May I ask since you're using a gun, what do you need in general just to buy a handgun? I've been looking at my state laws and it's all confusing to me. Sounds stupid even though I've been around guns most of my life. I just never wanted to embarrass myself for asking I guess lol.
TAW122
Emissary of the right to die.
- Aug 30, 2018
- 6,798
Well in my state, NC you would need a pistol purchase permit, which requires you to go to the sheriff of the county that you are residing in and then fill out an application for why you want to own a pistol. Then after your application is accepted, you will then be able to go to a gun store, pick out a pistol and use the permit to purchase it (along with passing a federal background check).
However, I'm not using a pistol or handgun, I'm using a shotgun so no need to go through all the hoops except to pass a federal background check at an FFL and walk out with the long gun in a matter of minutes. Most states are generally more lax on long guns (rifles and shotguns) than on pistols except for a few (NY, CA, MA, MD, IL, etc.) who have weird laws like assault weapons and all that crap.
However, I'm not using a pistol or handgun, I'm using a shotgun so no need to go through all the hoops except to pass a federal background check at an FFL and walk out with the long gun in a matter of minutes. Most states are generally more lax on long guns (rifles and shotguns) than on pistols except for a few (NY, CA, MA, MD, IL, etc.) who have weird laws like assault weapons and all that crap.
Lara Francis
Enlightened
- Jun 30, 2018
- 1,627
I do often wonder how people can be suicidal for a long time.
I have been suicidal for around 2 and half years and that feels like a life time.
Im not sure if there is an exceptable length of time to want to ctb but i am not very patient with myself and give myself time restraints.I often think i have tried hard enough but life has now expired.
people tell me that you never get over a loss of a life partner ,u just learn to cope,this concept does not seem good enough to make life worthwhile.
Hugs to u circles.xx
I have been suicidal for around 2 and half years and that feels like a life time.
Im not sure if there is an exceptable length of time to want to ctb but i am not very patient with myself and give myself time restraints.I often think i have tried hard enough but life has now expired.
people tell me that you never get over a loss of a life partner ,u just learn to cope,this concept does not seem good enough to make life worthwhile.
Hugs to u circles.xx
Its911
Sociopath
- Feb 28, 2019
- 310
You might be able to live as long as you can handle the depression and suffering, others cant. Each person is unquie when it comes to pain thresholds and each suffering is unique yet very similar. When the bus finally pulls up, you just need to be at peace with yourself not with the world.
TAW122
Emissary of the right to die.
- Aug 30, 2018
- 6,798
This is pretty much my conclusion that I've arrived at. After many years of suffering, seeing others suffer and reading stories of suicide and what not, this is all very true. When the time really comes, one has to be at peace with his/her decision and just go without hesitation. That is pretty much what I will be doing at the very least, so after next week, if I made the decision to die (dependent on how the events goes) then I will spend the rest of my time and energy to muster the courage, override my SI, and then die 2½ months from next week. During my interim, I would also be writing my notes and also getting my affairs in order (not a whole lot to do and don't have a lot of money nor assets but still - just for the sake of minimizing pain and helping survivors find some peace/closure), and just living the last days of my life to the fullest.
Othermind
Specialist
- Dec 26, 2018
- 301
I guess so.
I've seen people leading lives far shittier than mine (hard to quantify but whatever) for far longer than I thought possible. I've seen people cling on for dear life even though their conditions were miserable to say the least, so yeah, I can see someone living with suicidal thoughts.
It all hinges on your resilience though, which is a limited resource and something the usual suspects like depression, guilt, self loathing etc. will grind away at every day until you snap. Some people never go over the edge simply because they die before all that crap gets to them, maybe they have high levels of tolerance but that's not the case for everyone and I don't think even the strongest mind can hold out indefinitely.
This is just how I feel things are, I'm not a psychologist or anything so I may be wrong.
I've seen people leading lives far shittier than mine (hard to quantify but whatever) for far longer than I thought possible. I've seen people cling on for dear life even though their conditions were miserable to say the least, so yeah, I can see someone living with suicidal thoughts.
It all hinges on your resilience though, which is a limited resource and something the usual suspects like depression, guilt, self loathing etc. will grind away at every day until you snap. Some people never go over the edge simply because they die before all that crap gets to them, maybe they have high levels of tolerance but that's not the case for everyone and I don't think even the strongest mind can hold out indefinitely.
This is just how I feel things are, I'm not a psychologist or anything so I may be wrong.
Salvacion
Member
- Sep 25, 2018
- 88
Precisely my length of time. I actually waited too long and caused unnecessary hurt to my family. I have to do it now and I'm praying for the strength. I know praying in this concept seem contradictory to each other, but it is the truth.
