Do you think it’s more traumatic to lose a child when your in your 80s or when your in your 50s?

[Pryras]

My mother is in her 50s. I feel like I'm living for her since I know how painful waking up everyday and ruminating can be. It's unbearable to me. But doing this to my mother and to imagine her waking up like that everyday is so hard for me.

If I can't muster through until after she passes to ctb, then I will have to die when she's still alive. Would dying earlier be less traumatic or would you care less if you were in your 80s or 90s. In a way I thought it would give her decades to get over it but also there's something sad about losing your kids right before you pass.

 

[Seiba]

I see what you're saying about decades to get over it. I'm childless so my opinion might not have much weight. I would say older age is likely easier because as the decades go on it will still come up in someone's mind here and there if they cared for you. Does she know about your feelings at all? Sometimes closure can help, if only a little. Sorry you're going through this.

 

[ElVato]

I think it will hurt the same no matter what.

A person in their 80s might have a different view on life, as in, they might already be expecting to die soon, so that might give them hope of seeing their dead relative (should they believe in that), which in turn might diminish their suffering a little bit.

I don't think people can really get over an unnatural death ever. They might come to terms with the fact that it happened, but it's a wound that will never heal. Sometimes, that wound motivates people to make great things, even discover their artistic side. Some other times, it just becomes a permanent source of suffering.

Such is the burden that comes with such decision. Arguably, even the person you least expect, that one who barely knows you, could be impacted by your death. Humans are weird like that.

But yes, the "normal" is that no parent should have to bury their child, so when a child goes, no matter how old the parents are, it breaks a lot of these "natural laws", which cause a lot of grief and confusion exactly because of the idea that a natural law can't be broken.

 

[Pryras]

I see what you're saying about decades to get over it. I'm childless so my opinion might not have much weight. I would say older age is likely easier because as the decades go on it will still come up in someone's mind here and there if they cared for you. Does she know about your feelings at all? Sometimes closure can help, if only a little. Sorry you're going through this.

Thank you I'm childless too. I've talked to her about it in the past just so it's not a huge shock if it happens. I don't want anyone to be blind sided by my suicide but I agree having years to ruminate over it may be more devastating.

I think it will hurt the same no matter what.

A person in their 80s might have a different view on life, as in, they might already be expecting to die soon, so that might give them hope of seeing their dead relative (should they believe in that), which in turn might diminish their suffering a little bit.

I don't think people can really get over an unnatural death ever. They might come to terms with the fact that it happened, but it's a wound that will never heal. Sometimes, that wound motivates people to make great things, even discover their artistic side. Some other times, it just becomes a permanent source of suffering.

Such is the burden that comes with such decision. Arguably, even the person you least expect, that one who barely knows you, could be impacted by your death. Humans are weird like that.

But yes, the "normal" is that no parent should have to bury their child, so when a child goes, no matter how old the parents are, it breaks a lot of these "natural laws", which cause a lot of grief and confusion exactly because of the idea that a natural law can't be broken.

I agree and wish I was alone so I wouldn't cause any pain for her. I don't think she'll ever get over the unnatural death part, and she'll wake up in misery most days. It's what's keeping me here but I feel so trapped about it

 

[Apathy79]

I think you know the answer and it's not the one you want it to be. But can you really push on another 30 years for that reason? The decision isn't about her, despite the effects it will have.

 

[Emeralds]

Losing you will be traumatic to your mother either way. It doesn't matter how old she is. Having one of your children die is the worst thing that can happen to a parent especially if it's an unnatural death and they feel it could have been prevented. My father told me once that it doesn't matter how old me and my brothers were. We could be 80 and we would still be his "babies."

 

[CatLvr]

As a mother I can tell you no matter what my age I would be gutted. What you are describing (but in reverse) is why I am still here. I can't bring myself to do this to my children. Those who love us (especially mothers, fathers and their children) is a bond that is indescribable. At least to my mind.

I will understand completely if you feel like you cannot stay until your mother passes, though. It is no easy feat, some days. I find just taking each day as it comes and not thinking one second ahead on the bad days helps. Not gonna lie, that took some practice and some days I have sat and looked at the loaded gun in my lap for HOURS. But in the end, all I could see was my children. I'm not sure if that is good or bad. It just is.

 

[Pryras]

I think you know the answer and it's not the one you want it to be. But can you really push on another 30 years for that reason? The decision isn't about her, despite the effects it will have.

As awful as it sounds, I wish she was already in her 80s so I could wait it out and ctb sooner that later. 30 years or more sounds like hell.

 

[Pryras]

As a mother I can tell you no matter what my age I would be gutted. What you are describing (but in reverse) is why I am still here. I can't bring myself to do this to my children. Those who love us (especially mothers, fathers and their children) is a bond that is indescribable. At least to my mind.

I will understand completely if you feel like you cannot stay until your mother passes, though. It is no easy feat, some days. I find just taking each day as it comes and not thinking one second ahead on the bad days helps. Not gonna lie, that took some practice and some days I have sat and looked at the loaded gun in my lap for HOURS. But in the end, all I could see was my children. I'm not sure if that is good or bad. It just is.

As a mother would it be less traumatic if your child was older like in their 40s?

As a mother I can tell you no matter what my age I would be gutted. What you are describing (but in reverse) is why I am still here. I can't bring myself to do this to my children. Those who love us (especially mothers, fathers and their children) is a bond that is indescribable. At least to my mind.

I will understand completely if you feel like you cannot stay until your mother passes, though. It is no easy feat, some days. I find just taking each day as it comes and not thinking one second ahead on the bad days helps. Not gonna lie, that took some practice and some days I have sat and looked at the loaded gun in my lap for HOURS. But in the end, all I could see was my children. I'm not sure if that is good or bad. It just is.

I feel you it's like being trapped and one of the reasons I don't want to have children. My mind is unbearable but what's stopping me is having my mother feel the same way every morning. She's low income and will have to work after the trauma so that depresses me. I've thought about prepaying my funeral and working for a year to leave her some money for a year to grief. I think working while traumatized is the worst feeling in the world.

 

[CatLvr]

As a mother would it be less traumatic if your child was older like in their 40s?

Actually my children are in their late 30s, early 40s and no, I don't think it would make it any easier. At that age, I would spend every day wondering what I didn't do that I could have to help them. What I missed that I shouldn't have. If I'm being completely honest it wouldn't be too long after them leaving this world before I would join them. I guess that old saying about parents not supposed to outlive their children has a basis to it.

 

[Pryras]

Actually my children are in their late 30s, early 40s and no, I don't think it would make it any easier. At that age, I would spend every day wondering what I didn't do that I could have to help them. What I missed that I shouldn't have. If I'm being completely honest it wouldn't be too long after them leaving this world before I would join them. I guess that old saying about parents not supposed to outlive their children has a basis to it.

Forgive me for asking this, but would you still consider staying around for your other children? I have a twin sister that i would hope give my mother a purpose and reason to stay despite her grief.

 

[CatLvr]

Forgive me for asking this, but would you still consider staying around for your other children? I have a twin sister that i would hope give my mother a purpose and reason to stay despite her grief.

No problem. Yes, yes I would. You are probably right -- your sister could likely give your mom much comfort, but, as a mom I can tell you that the loss of any of my children to suicide would have me wracked with guilt for the rest of my life. I would forever feel like I had missed something, or didn't do something I should have or did something I shouldn't have. I'm truly not trying to guilt you into doing anything you don't want to, and at the end of the day certainly respect your right to choose whether to stay or go, but I felt I would be remiss if I didn't tell you how a mother who loves her children would feel.

I hate that you are in this position. You are obviously a kind person and life can be so unfair. You do not deserve to be in this position. Please know that even if you decide to go ahead and ctb, I do fully support your choice to do so. I would NEVER ask one of my children to suffer like you have. I would rather bear that burden myself. How's THAT for a juxtaposition?? And if I'm honest, and your mom loves you like I suspect she does, she would tell you the same thing. She would not want you to go, but she would not want you to suffer like you are, either. It's a horrible position for both of you to find yourselves in. Would it be possible for you to talk to her about this, or would that not work?? I realize that my one child and I have an unusual relationship in that we are both pretty pragmatic about things like suffering and death. Most people are not like us, unfortunately.