Do you think courage can be built with time?

[suffering]

I am now 99.99% convinced that I will never be able to do it. And the 0.01% probably comes from delusional hope. I like to lie to myself that I can do it, so I don't have to fear a terrible future of poverty and loneliness, but the truth is that my survival instinct is enormous.
Do you guys think this can be solved with time? Or that maybe if I hit rock bottom then suicide would come easy?
I am still young(-ish) now so maybe my will to live is sabotaging my logic. Maybe if I get older my survival instinct will diminish?
Phillip Mainlander is an example: he wrote about the logic of suicide, but claimed he cannot do it. He did it when he eventually turned 35 and found himself in financial trouble.
God I feel so trapped.

 

[Sinbad]

Don't kill yourself then. If you are young and healthy then I strongly advise you to stay around a few more years. See for yourself if its worth it.

 

[TiredHorse]

I will agree with Sinbad in that if you can live, you should do so, and seek out new paths toward relief.

I will also sympathize with your frustration and desperation. My si is pretty damned strong, too, and after flubbing three attempts three weekends in a row, I'm terrified that I'm trapped here. Since that last attempt I've been attempting to acclimate myself to the individual actions and elements of my chosen method --eb/N2-- in hope of "sneaking up" on the bus by dulling my reactions to the otherwise unusual elements. For instance, I've been running drills of putting the bag over my head, the specific breathing pattern neccessary, and the pattern of actions involved in ctb, as well as having the tank of N2 here beside my chair, etc.

I won't know if it works until the time comes to try, and I'm not sure if my plan is "building courage" so much as acclimating myself, but maybe it will prove adequate.

 

[Toenditall]

I was like that a few years ago if you can keep going you keep going only you will know when you are ready to ctb

 

[Shewaitsforme]

I hole the courage bulids and survival instinct dies. I need a new method now my nitrogen has been taken by police

 

[TAW122]

I believe overtime it does, but it also depends on one's life circumstances as well as events leading to and around the time. By this, I mean if someone wanted to ctb at some date MM month, DD day, and YYYY year (I'll refer to it as the ctb date), then that it would take perhaps years of shitty events back to back along with lots of preparation to muster up the courage up and until the ctb date. Another factor is impulse, like if there was a sudden shitstorm event or catalyst (combined with the long lead up with shitty events and circumstances), then it is much easier to override the survival instinct. For methods that are quick and instantaneous, one would just need enough courage to override the SI for just a brief moment and then it's lights out, eternal sleep.

 

[kalius837]

if one cannot do it, he is procrastinating...
if you want to succeed (in the topic), time to know precrastination: yes, it exists. it makes things done
i repeat: to precrastinate