Venting Do you really wish to not exist?

[FuneralCry]

I always have done, I could never wish to exist here no matter the circumstances and I've never wished to exist at all. I very strongly believe we just cease existing after we finally leave and to me death is the only comfort and relief, I only envy those who are permanently at peace, not anyone who is enduring this futile process of waiting around to die anyway.

I see suicide as being an escape from suffering, it's a way for one to free themselves from everything and only not existing has ever appealed to me, I think that existence certainly is something so dreadful and also unnecessary, existence is a terrible thing to me as it's filled with endless potential for suffering.

But of course if one doesn't find a way to leave in this anti-suicide society where suicide is purposely made so difficult they basically have no choice but to stay here and suffer but I could never understand why anyone would wish to exist, and I personally think it's always preferable to not exist at all as in death there is no more suffering, there are no disadvantages to not existing and nobody can be harmed by being completely unaware.

To me death is true relief that cannot be found here, there could never be any relief from suffering as long as one is trapped here.

 

[Danique]

I wish to have a body and face that fits my gender. But since that's not possible, not existing is the next best thing

 

[icanfeelthesoil]

i agree, i've never seen the point of it really. There are some positives to life sometimes, but why am i supposed to do all the work of keeping myself alive and sane?? for the brief moments of pleasure or comfort? It doesn't really make sense to me. All the boring moments in life, all the menial tasks you have to do every day, all the physical and mental pain, all the empty conversations etc. Why are those things worth going through? I know ill never be normal, ill never get rid of my mental illness and i will cycle through episodes of varying intensity all my life. But even if i was normal, it still doesnt seem worth it to me. It's just so boring and filled with suffering, either your own or someone elses. Im not planning cbt now cause i dont want to hurt my mom again and i know im too much of a pussy to do it now, but if i could just erase myself from the world and make everyone forget i ever existed i really would.

 

[Per Ardua Ad Astra]

Yes
100%

 

[ToTheTwillight]

@FuneralCry I see you been quite an active member.

It sounds like you really dealt with so much pain in life and sorry it came down to this for you. There are those who were born to life, most of all without any of the mental disabilities or disorders, where being social is fluid and effortless without pain, unlike anyone who has to mask themselves, where their pain of having to work to be normal all the time is so excruciating, the concept of having joy almost seem impossible.

I do wish to exist, just not with this life I was born to anymore

 

[Huggs]

I agree inexistence is a relief and the idea of waiting and being stuck in life until a natural death is awful to me, I know I couldn't live a content life.
Existence on this planet promises suffering and there are endless ways to suffer here, physical and mental. There is no overarching benevolence, no true justice or care for human life, living beings are tortured out of nowhere and in incomprehensibly agonizing ways and this torture can happen to anyone and happens commonly. It's disgusting what a person can be subjected to and how people are treated by others. Even when you've done everything right you are cast aside by society when your body can no longer be counted on to work. individuals lose all resources and go homeless.
Everything is getting harder and more competitive all the time, especially finding a job. Retirement is often a pipe dream.
Even when you luck out completely in life living is constant upkeep, constant work.
I don't want to trust blindly that I will luck out and avoid unbelievable torment in the future, and even now my life is miserable. I can't even rely on myself, things can only go downhill.
I hope my attempt doesn't fail. I really really hope, despite the odds. I need peace. Living in this world is horrible.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

I agree inexistence is a relief and the idea of waiting and being stuck in life until a natural death is awful to me, I know I couldn't live a content life.
Existence on this planet promises suffering and there are endless ways to suffer here, physical and mental. There is no overarching benevolence, no true justice or care for human life, living beings are tortured out of nowhere and in incomprehensibly agonizing ways and this torture can happen to anyone and happens commonly. It's disgusting what a person can be subjected to and how people are treated by others. Even when you've done everything right you are cast aside by society when your body can no longer be counted on to work. individuals lose all resources and go homeless.
Everything is getting harder and more competitive all the time, especially finding a job. Retirement is often a pipe dream.
Even when you luck out completely in life living is constant upkeep, constant work.
I don't want to trust blindly that I will luck out and avoid unbelievable torment in the future, and even now my life is miserable. I can't even rely on myself, things can only go downhill.
I hope my attempt doesn't fail. I really really hope, despite the odds. I need peace. Living in this world is horrible.

It's basically one massive gamble at the end of it all, from the day of birth till death, it's just one issue to the next with so much suffering as well. It's terrifying that any level of agonizing pain can happen to anyone at any given time randomly, it just shows the unrepentant chaos of existence and how it plays out in the most cruel ways.

Just like you, I hope I don't fail my attempt too, I'd rather be free from this world then choose to live here for a decades with things getting worse and worse.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think the most positive I've ever felt towards existing is being puzzled by it but yeah- I can't remember ever being all that happy about it. I can find things beautiful. So- I guess in that tiny moment- I can appreciate my senses and being alive to be able to appreciate something. Still- the bad FAR outweighs the good. Even those brief moments of feeling entertained or distracted are soon followed by the constant worries and dread about life and the future.

 

[huntergirl14]

Not only do i wish to not exist but i also wish to have every trace of my existence in this world erased as well…

 

[HopefulSleep]

No, I just don't like my feelings and nothing ever helped, I want to finally not feel the things that hurt me.
I would prefer being a child forever in a perfect world more than not existing but not existing seems to be much better than this life.

 

[saddestbunny]

absolutely, I already "don't exist" in every sense of the word.

my real feelings are always hidden, I constantly mask. people in my life are constantly treated to a faker, happier, quieter version where I'm not as bothersome

the second you make any disturbance or talk about mental health especially in fast paced working environments everyone will drop you - it's just not acceptable

I want to be something else, happier, but I'm just not and extremely tired and feel guilt imagining reactions to my ctb even, feels like I'm trapped here

not existing would have been preferable

 

[thrutrekfinaly]

To not have been born would have been far better. So my final thoughts wouldn't be knowing the inhumanity of this society . I wish I never existed

 

[suicidalloser]

yes i really wish to not exist
always have always will

 

[NoLoveNoHope]

Absolutely, I wake up and realize I need to be sentient and feel my senses and emotions no matter how disgusting they feel to me. I'd prefer to not exist at all being human and experiencing basic human experiences are exhausting and I'd just rather not go through the hassle for something I don't even like.

Even if I didn't want to cut it short, why'd I want to get to old age? That just seems like everything I am experiencing right now but far worse. I don't really think it gets uphill from here, sure I can take care of myself but once I start aging it won't matter anymore.

 

[CTB Dream]

Want disapre now no want exst, wish nvr come this lif nvr brn

 

[day]

The world is horrible and cruel. It's so unfair that we are forced to suffer with no good means out. It seems the only time I'm at peace is when I'm sleeping because for small moments I cease to exist and everything is for one moment just peaceful.

I don't think there's anything left for me to find in the world that would make me want to exist. Existence is futile and to a degree disgusting.

 

[AllFoxedOut]

I want the release of black nothingness when I die...

 

[Maplethemorbid]

Honestly so far the only upside I can think of in this life is finding someone who's heart I find so beautiful that we can CTB together.
But so far everytime I find someone who expresses similar thoughts they don't want to die when I bring it up because all of a sudden they're happy and it's no longer on their mind and they get concerned about me.

 

[HighFlight]

My 20 year-old self would say he absolutely wants to exist, even with a tough childhood. Now I can say I've had my chance, and existence seems more of a burden and there is little hope for a better future. Maybe it's time to move on...

 

[aGoodDayToDie]

I had my first thought about not wanting to exist when I was 6. I've had a pretty shitty life right from the start. My mum was a bitch. I have had pretty shitty friends, but often none. I get no fucking satisfaction out of life. I'm like an empty shell, just existing, suffering. Wish I could just stop existing. Fuck life

 

[ultrasharpy123456]

Yes. Frankly I just wanna buy a shotgun and shoot myself. Never wanted to be born.

 

[Altaexbiri]

I wish my life didn't suck. It's not so much that I don't wish to exist, but that I wish to not exist like this. I wish that when I die I reincarnate into someone with a life they want to live.

 

[saddestbunny]

I wish my life didn't suck. It's not so much that I don't wish to exist, but that I wish to not exist like this. I wish that when I die I reincarnate into someone with a life they want to live.

agree, it's not so much experience itself or existence itself that's bad for me it's the existence that i'm forced to have

 

[liljeep]

No. I wish to not be in this situation. I wish a lot of things hadn't happened. I wish things were different. Even if or when my situation changes, there is no recovering who and what I've lost.