Do you not want to die but have no other option?

[dust-in-the-wind]

Like in my case I have major depressive disorder that keeps me mostly bed ridden and crying most days in mental agony. I've done everything medically to try to help myself, even ECT but this is pushing 3 years now and clearly there is no hope, only continued suffering but I can remember times my depression was in remission and I was happy. Also the older you get the worst the episodes become and I am 55 so it is over for me. I don't really want to die but can't live like this so it's over for me.

 

[nails]

that's my current situation. i do wish i could live; i often fantasize about a future that i know i'd never be able to live. i don't feel like going into too many details, but the only thing i want to do with my life is very unrealistic and out of reach, i'll likely be financially unstable for the rest of my life, i'll never be normal or content with who i am, my mind is stupid and makes me unhappy in all of my friendships—but i can't live alone. i might be missing some things.

i'm sad i have to ctb, but i can't live such a miserable existence.

 

[failedmind]

i feel this way. its like, i wish i could live and continue on but i know i cant. my depression, autism, ptsd, etc. makes it impossible to keep a job or be stable and all i do is lay in bed. i cant function or leave the house. all i do is think about suicide and wanting the suffering to stop, which i know can only happen when i ctb. i know its the only choice.

 

[kitchenwindow197]

Its comforting to know people feel the same way, im actually scared to die but honestly have no other choice

 

[AAE]

I would want to live but my mental and physical absolute necessities would never ever be recognized and acknowledged by anyone else. Only my mother understands and loves me, she's my soulmate, but she passed away 3 years ago and the pain is excruciating and endless.

I'm 40 years old, not that I care about age, it's just a number to me. I suffer from multiple chronic illnesses and disabilities, as well as complex grief and I really can't do anything anymore. I mostly lie in bed but I'm forced up by hunger and needing medicines or the fact that I get lots of muscle pain by sleeping too, always having stress dreams or nightmares while asleep and wake up with anxiety attacks, often spending hours trying to just get up.

I'm too exhausted and in too much pain to go out and I find no real rest in this apartment either because of extremely loud, abusive, evil neighbors who ruined the lives of me and mom. Last time I still had something similar to a decent life was in the spring of 2015. I've been "reaching out" (as in the usual BS people tell you when nobody wants to truly help) in all ways I can and society, healthcare, landlord, you name it and they only contribute even more to the downward spiral.

I can't handle any more pain though, which is why I doubt I'll ever find a way to CTB or anything since it would have to be perfectly peaceful and painless. I keep thinking I will die from how sick I am but so I thought years ago and if I've learned something it's that there seems to be no rock bottom, the suffering just gets worse than one could ever had imagined.

But yes, I would want to live somewhere safe, I would want to be respected as if I'm actually worth anything and I would need lots of help which I've learned doesn't exist unless you're filthy rich. I would need to also live in a way where I can exist outside of society and not have to deal with all the people's evil anymore or knowing what evil they do everywhere. I can't take any more negativity yet it's all my "reality" is about.

So yes, I want to try and live but nobody would ever do the tiniest thing to help me have a chance because people only worship money. People with hearts are never in power.

 

[NoHalfMeasures]

I'm sorry you've had to go through so much for little results, but I'm glad you tried. Trying is all we can do, really.

To answer the question, I'm terrified of dying. I really don't want to, but I see no other option unless huge leaps are made in the medical field to alleviate the thing that causes me the most torment.
I'm still trying to give life a shot, but it's becoming increasingly difficult.

 

[Namelesa]

I ultimately I to want to die for myself as I just not want to feel, do, desire or fear anything as I think life is a risky choice with that things could get worse and not better. I only feel like I should only live for others but at some point I am experiencing too much pain and I should think about myself and just get what I want but I can't cus lack of access to effective methods.

 

[ParalyzedVeteran]

I'm in so much pain and all these worthless fucks at the VA care about is their spot on the gravy train. My pain level and quality of life are not factors. My "pain management" doctor is an addiction specialist. She just reduced my morphine to nothing. Mission accomplished! The piece of shit graduated from a medical school, off the back of a matchbook cover, in Grenada. I curse her with an amount of pain equal to that which she has inflicted on all the veterans in her care.

 

[ihatemyselfwanttodi]

I'm glad others feel this way so I don't feel so alone, but I'm also sorry you guys have to share in this feeling. It's awful. Feeling so trapped between wanting to live and feeling like there's no choice but to die. I wish I could have my consciousness dumped into a completely new person, maybe then it wouldn't be so bad. But I've fucked up this one I'm currently in enough.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

I want to die asap. But we all will die anyway. i want do die asap for many reasons just one is because the sooner i get to non-existence the better cause non-existence forever is the only guarantee of never suffering extreme torture, unbearable pain or extreme torture.

for many reasons i will never want any kind of existence / life / consciousness . i don't want anything from this prison world and evil life.

I'm in so much pain and all these worthless fucks at the VA care about is their spot on the gravy train. My pain level and quality of life are not factors. My "pain management" doctor is an addiction specialist. She just reduced my morphine to nothing. Mission accomplished! The piece of shit graduated from a medical school, off the back of a matchbook cover, in Grenada. I curse her with an amount of pain equal to that which she has inflicted on all the veterans in her care.

those monster doctors don't have a right to deny us morphine nor fentanyl for pain nor for suicide . they are not our superiors but just maggots . morphine fentanyl nembutal etc should be available for purchase without any prescription.

this is another reason for me to kill myself asap. that these monster doctors have complete control over us to torture us by denying pain medicine like morphine etc. they made this hell an even worse prison. we are all slaves prisoners.

they are all going to get old suffer in pain and discomfort begging these monster doctors to give them morphine and other drugs

 

[bananaolympus]

Yeah i would like to live but life does not

 

[FuneralCry]

No, I'd personally always prefer to not exist, for me non-existence is all that's desirable, nothing no matter what would make me ever wish to be burdened with this existence rather I just want to peacefully cease existing instead. For me existence itself is the true problem and the thought of suffering all for the sake of it in this existence just to die in agony from old age is horrific to me, I wish I could erase my existence so it's like I never suffered, I always find it so torturous and futile to exist and I'd just never wish for any of this, I just want to never exist ever again.

 

[naut]

Life has too many stresses and risks. I'm forced to live despite how terrible things are around me. Everything used to be alright a few years ago, but now that I have been burdened with withdrawal, work, breakups, and unrealistic expectations, I feel obligated to die because I cannot meet the demands of society.

 

[divinemistress36]

Only if life would get better and be full of fun but I dont see that happening

 

[G000pie]

It's funny, I don't actually hate life most of the time- in fact, last year I was making a lot of progress with therapy and had all these plans and thought maybe things were finally looking up for me... but then trump won. Now I'm gonna lose medicaid, snap and any chance I have of getting on disability. I have no money and no family/friends who can take me in, I really will have no other choice soon. I guess this whole time I've been living on borrowed time, in an apartment I don't deserve, a waste of space.

 

[shame]

Like in my case I have major depressive disorder that keeps me mostly bed ridden and crying most days in mental agony. I've done everything medically to try to help myself, even ECT but this is pushing 3 years now and clearly there is no hope, only continued suffering but I can remember times my depression was in remission and I was happy. Also the older you get the worst the episodes become and I am 55 so it is over for me. I don't really want to die but can't live like this so it's over for me.

It's all about me. I'm so sorry.
Can I ask you, do you have children (no need to answer, if it's too personal)?

 

[Forever Sleep]

I can't see a way of making my life feel worthwhile. So, while I may not be physically/ mentally/ emotionally suffering as intensely as many members here. As in- I'm capable of functioning in this world- more or less. Or rather- enough I suspect to not be eligible for benefits, I can't envisage a way to make things good enough to compensate for the effort required. So, while I don't want to experience dying- I'm dreading it in fact, a cease to all things life seems like my best option.

In my case, it's that too much bad accompanies the good and, I can't work out how to shift that balance with fewer things I even want now and more things I intensely dislike or, find extremely difficult.

I suppose it's a bit like: 'Would you be willing to live under any circumstances?' Like- sure. Bring my Mum and a whole lot of my deceased loved ones back to life. Don't inflict suffering on them or anyone else. Change the world so that we all get paid hansomely for the things we feel motivated to do. Make this world a whole lot fairer and friendlier then sure- I'll give it a shot! Why not? Oh- but it won't be like that? Then, no- thanks.

 

[ItsyBitsyWeetard]

This. Exactly

 

[archiveofpain]

Yeah, for me is a feeling of being incompatible with life, sometimes I feel like an actual alien and I think maybe one of the reasons I'm depressed is because I don't fit in. If I did, I would find joy in what most people do, materialistic things, relationships and all that

I often wonder what, who, and where I would be if I weren't given the cards I was dealt but it doesn't really matter or change the present because I was doomed from the start and I don't see myself meeting the demands that come with living

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

I want to die asap. But we all will die anyway. i want do die asap for many reasons just one is because the sooner i get to non-existence the better cause non-existence forever is the only guarantee of never suffering extreme torture, unbearable pain or extreme torture.

for many reasons i will never want any kind of existence / life / consciousness . i don't want anything from this prison world and evil life.


those monster doctors don't have a right to deny us morphine nor fentanyl for pain nor for suicide . they are not our superiors but just maggots . morphine fentanyl nembutal etc should be available for purchase without any prescription.

this is another reason for me to kill myself asap. that these monster doctors have complete control over us to torture us by denying pain medicine like morphine etc. they made this hell an even worse prison. we are all slaves prisoners.

they are all going to get old suffer in pain and discomfort begging these monster doctors to give them morphine and other drugs

i wanted to add the sooner i get to non-existence the better because non-existence forever is the only guarantee of never suffering extremely, never any constant unbearable pain or extreme torture.

i would never want to live . i see the pleasurable addictions as the worst things. i see it as scams . evolution and culture society other humans trick you into accepting pleasure like eating a cookie so that i continue living their meaningless evil imposition as a slave . And then extreme torture gets me. For example if I say I need to kill myself but the I procrastinate on getting my suicide method ready and instead indulge in meaningless addictions like youTube social media media news then in a few days i could get stroke or accident and get brain damage

for example evolution has no objective other than to replicate the organism and it's DNA genes . that's it so evolution bribes the animal with pleasure like eating food . for me if it had been no pleasure ever then i would have killed myself already and i'd be out of this trap hell . if i could never had any pleasurable addiction or hardly any then i would have thought about my suicide most of the time and killed myself. who would not think of suicide if 99% of the time no pleasure but feeling bad? so it's the pleasurable additions that keep me in this imposition have kept me distracted confused etc. now i have to kill myself rushed . the pleasurable addictions made me distracted not think about suicide all the time so that i would 've worked out all the kinks and decisions on a plan method and had got it done.

it's like an evil child predator luring kids with cookies and candy. the kid doesn't know any better but accepts the free cookies only to end up kid napped and tortured.

 

[sadalways]

If i lost my anxiety and had the will to do anything in life, made friends and found that special someone, i wouldn't want to ctb at all. Are those problems fixable? Most likely, if i really put my mind on it. Will i fix them? No because anxiety is a bitch, can't even go outside besides normal trips to a store lost all the will to do anything and now i know that soon i'll either face being homeless or have to find a job and hate everyday more than i do now.

 

[Skylar6]

Like in my case I have major depressive disorder that keeps me mostly bed ridden and crying most days in mental agony. I've done everything medically to try to help myself, even ECT but this is pushing 3 years now and clearly there is no hope, only continued suffering but I can remember times my depression was in remission and I was happy. Also the older you get the worst the episodes become and I am 55 so it is over for me. I don't really want to die but can't live like this so it's over for me.

I think it's more about not wanting to endure the pain of living, rather than wanting to die. At some point the pain and suffering, whether mental, physical or both, becomes so overwhelming that ctb seems like the best option.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

It's all about me. I'm so sorry.
Can I ask you, do you have children (no need to answer, if it's too personal)?

No I chose not to have children. Too much suffering in life.

I think it's more about not wanting to endure the pain of living, rather than wanting to die. At some point the pain and suffering, whether mental, physical or both, becomes so overwhelming that ctb seems like the best option.

So true

 

[SoulWhisperer]

If I had another option I would've gone with it, surely. However with my personality and struggles a happy future is quite unrealistic...

 

[Prism]

I really don't want to ctb as I'm afraid of death, but there's no hope for me to be happy or successful so my options are either that or watch as everything gets worse and worse just to die someday anyway. A rock and a hard place.

 

[nyapoka]

i wish it was an option for me to live, i understand you a lot
there is no other options for me aswelp

 

[Skylar6]

Its comforting to know people feel the same way, im actually scared to die but honestly have no other choice

I'm just scared it will hurt.

 

[Valhala]

If I would want to live with her, without her my life is completely meaningless.

 

[Kanoh]

I actually really would like to live to fulfill my passions and interests but my huge OCD has turned my life to complete misery filled with mainly suffering. Over the years I have tried multiple psychiatrists, therapists, medicines, I went huge miles on researching possible ways to even only make it a little less painful to zero avail. I simply cannot be cured, also it gets worse with age and Im already so tired. I really need to go but my SI is still very strong. Society forcing me to live by not making it possible to cbt in a humane way is just a sad joke to me.

 

[elkheart]

I actually really would like to live to fulfill my passions and interests but my huge OCD has turned my life to complete misery filled with mainly suffering. Over the years I have tried multiple psychiatrists, therapists, medicines, I went huge miles on researching possible ways to even only make it a little less painful to zero avail. I simply cannot be cured, also it gets worse with age and Im already so tired. I really need to go but my SI is still very strong. Society forcing me to live by not making it possible to cbt in a humane way is just a sad joke to me.

My OCD is a living hell too and nobody understands. Thank you for sharing, lots of solidarity with you.