Discussion Do you have the urge to hurt others who have hurt you? Do you act on it?

[Dejected 55]

For me, the urge is there sometimes... how can it not be? I am human. I feel like it is natural to at least think about how you might "get back" at someone for something they did to you. I'm not talking about outright abuse or physical harm... not typical revenge scenarios either... I'm more thinking of someone who betrayed you in some way or was cruel beyond the norm... that sort of thing, where you hurt and it's hard to get over, and you sometimes think "what if" you could hurt them back in a similar way... like if someone betrayed your trust and shared a secret you told in confidence to ridicule you publicly and cause you harm... and you know something about that person that could be embarrassing to them but you don't know if you should act in kind and do to them what they did to you.

I guess I'm wondering out loud here... if most people think these thoughts in times of betrayal or hurt... and how many of you would actually follow through.

Hypothetically... if someone caused you emotional pain that was undeserved... and you know something about them that could cause them trouble... would you tell someone to get back at them? To make them hurt as you hurt? Even if it doesn't take away your pain? Even if it adds guilt to your own pain? Would you lash out and cause the person who hurt you to hurt in a similar way?

No judgment... just curiosity here.

And again, I'm not talking physically or revenge in the traditional sense... just like if someone made you cry or embarrassed you... do you want to make them cry and embarrass them in return? If someone made your job a torment or caused you to lose your job, would you tell their co-workers something that would embarrass them or perhaps even cause them to be fired? If you knew someone who used their knowledge of others to punish them unfairly, and you knew they were guilty of their own transgressions, do you be the better person and focus on yourself? Or do you make them feel their own pain?

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

I used to have that urge a lot. Got me into trouble with the people abusing me, but I had a lot of anger growing up.

I've been feeling it more often. I think my plan is to sabotage my dad's life. Make everyone who liked him see who he is.

Do I wish I could physically hurt him? Absolutely. Not in the way he did me (I'm not a monster), but I certainly want to physically hurt him. I can't, though. And I won't ever be able to.

I can just hope his body falling apart with age is just as painful as my body falling apart has been. If it ever comes down to me to find a nursing home to put him in, I'll choose the cheapest one and just pray it's like prison.

 

[moonlightbeach]

i understand what you mean. i do think it's normal too. it's well documented and people on sasu talk about it sometimes as well.

in my case there was an urge, absolutely. was very heightened before my attempt, i did plan to follow through but it was dreamy and not realistic for me - i never thought i'd proceed with it. the urge is still there sometimes, but only an urge. i don't plan to act on it.

my revenge is going to be a blog post that will hopefully help suicidal people and remove some expectations and stigma. i'm writing it for the communities that i'm in (which have over 100 people) and i will achieve some peace when i post it and people read it.

i certainly want to make sure that i hurt the people that hurt me the most.

 

[usernamegoeshere]

i fully understand where people are coming from, and i fully agree that it is okay to be spiteful. i just always found it pointless to solve harm with harm. if i hurt someone that makes me no better than the people who hurt me, no matter what. i get this is an unpopular opinion, but really, i think i'd rather die than hurt someone (which might not be a huge thing to say given im on this forum but u get my point). i always liked the quote "i hope the bee that tried to sting me has a good day today". people can be hateful, rude, and evil. but i dont want to be like them and do harm back. just my opinion pls don't flame me

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

people can be hateful, rude, and evil. but i dont want to be like them and do harm back. just my opinion pls don't flame me

I usually have that opinion. It's just been harder lately. With all the flashbacks and stuff.

 

[Dejected 55]

i fully understand where people are coming from, and i fully agree that it is okay to be spiteful. i just always found it pointless to solve harm with harm. if i hurt someone that makes me no better than the people who hurt me, no matter what. i get this is an unpopular opinion, but really, i think i'd rather die than hurt someone (which might not be a huge thing to say given im on this forum but u get my point). i always liked the quote "i hope the bee that tried to sting me has a good day today". people can be hateful, rude, and evil. but i dont want to be like them and do harm back. just my opinion pls don't flame me

Your post is normally where I live. You can probably find older comments on this forum where I'm saying similar things to people about how revenge doesn't make your pain go away and you don't necessarily feel the "good" you think you will feel after you take your revenge.

But, sometimes... the urge is still there... and you think about it, and how sometimes it would be really easy to share a secret you know about someone that would hurt them to have in their world exposed... and sometimes it is really tough to remain a good person when people keep hurting you and all you know is the sting of betrayal and hurt from interacting in the world... and you wonder if the person who hurt you would handle it any better than you have.

 

[usernamegoeshere]

Your post is normally where I live. You can probably find older comments on this forum where I'm saying similar things to people about how revenge doesn't make your pain go away and you don't necessarily feel the "good" you think you will feel after you take your revenge.

But, sometimes... the urge is still there... and you think about it, and how sometimes it would be really easy to share a secret you know about someone that would hurt them to have in their world exposed... and sometimes it is really tough to remain a good person when people keep hurting you and all you know is the sting of betrayal and hurt from interacting in the world... and you wonder if the person who hurt you would handle it any better than you have.

oh for sure, the urge will always be there no matter how hard we try to suppress it. what separates those who wish harm from those who don't is who chooses to act on it and who chooses to rethink their choices.

 

[Dejected 55]

oh for sure, the urge will always be there no matter how hard we try to suppress it. what separates those who wish harm from those who don't is who chooses to act on it and who chooses to rethink their choices.

I'm wrestling in my brain right now... and I think my better nature will ultimately win out... but it's tough. Sometimes the pain is so much that even if I know it will not help me at all, the hurt wants me to lash out and hurt back... see if I can make the other person feel what I feel even if just for a moment. But I think in the end I have to be true to myself... and not making me a "better person" or anything, but just knowing I have to live with myself... and I don't think I want to live with a version of me who can be so cruel to others, even if they have been cruel to me.

 

[usernamegoeshere]

I'm wrestling in my brain right now... and I think my better nature will ultimately win out... but it's tough. Sometimes the pain is so much that even if I know it will not help me at all, the hurt wants me to lash out and hurt back... see if I can make the other person feel what I feel even if just for a moment. But I think in the end I have to be true to myself... and not making me a "better person" or anything, but just knowing I have to live with myself... and I don't think I want to live with a version of me who can be so cruel to others, even if they have been cruel to me.

i really really get that. be kind to yourself and let yourself feel. i know those might sound like empty words but truly just letting yourself feel the emotions can help purge them

 

[Dejected 55]

i really really get that. be kind to yourself and let yourself feel. i know those might sound like empty words but truly just letting yourself feel the emotions can help purge them

In my case, in this instance, the thoughts might not purge quite so easily... but I absolutely appreciate the sentiment. All I can really do is let my brain sift through them and see how it goes... and keep reminding myself that at my core I am not a cruel person, and while I don't have to love my enemy or forgive... I don't have to hurt them either.