Venting Do you have anything to be happy about

[Haematemesis]

That's a genuine question, I don't mean mere sparks of joy now and then. Do you have peace? Can you accept?

I am full of pure hatred sometimes, then sometimes I do experience joy. Only to be superseded by a greater pain.

I see so many people living their lives and their problems are financial. Not to underestimate that because it's a huge issue but have you ever hated yourself to the core. Have you ever hated yourself so much that even fantasizing about reincarnation is vain since your soul will be the same. Have you ever hated everything about yourself?

A slippery step is the way. The way to freedom. Meters upon meters falling down. Only to feel an excruciating impact for a millionth of a second. Then you are no more. And have never been.

Or have you tried chemical ways to it? Hearing the ambulance sirens and hoping those are of hell not of earth? Only to be pumped with weird injections and to be sent home.

Have your heart ever beat so arrhythmically that only thing you could was to listen a final song? Only to be postponed of doom.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I tend to find most things are tinged with unpleasantness. I'm not sure I'm straight forwardly happy about or to do anything really. It's not that I'm so anhedonic that I experience no pleasure at all. Just that most things come with a downside I find.

But, as an example- There are stunning natural landscapes I'd love to visit. But then, I start thinking about the practicalities. It will be expensive to travel and stay there. It's the UK- so- who knows what the weather will do. I'm not overly keen on staying in hotels and B&B's anyway. I try to avoid public transport for fear of getting covid or, anything else for that matter. I work freelance so- there's no sick pay. I'm so unfit now so, I imagine even a country walk might be taxing. I pretty quickly find myself talking myself out of things because, so little seems really worth it now.

I suppose also- because I have attempted to do 'fun' things in the past and, they weren't exactly worth it. So, I wonder why this time would be any different.

I love food but I'm so uncomfortably fat now. I enjoy playing games but I so badly need to tidy and clean. Procrastinating and eating isn't going to help me long-term.

For me, it's not so much that I'm uncomfortable in my own skin or, that I hate myself. Although, there are reasons to. It's more that I'm just tired of life. Irritated that most of the nicer things have some awful downside. But mostly, it's the overiding sense that none of it feels worth the effort. So- I'm more content in myself than I was but I'm very discontent with the nature of life.

 

[FuneralCry]

No, I could never feel happy about being burdened with this torturous, unnecessary and deeply undesirable existence that just causes so much pain and suffering all for the sake of it and problems there were never a need for with no limit as to how much agony one can feel. For me only non-existence is positive, existence just feels like a mistake to me and I always suffer so much from being so cruelly denied the option to cease existing painlessly to escape from all future suffering in this existence that just leads to decay and death anyway, more than anything I wish I never suffered at all, existence is just always the problem to me.

 

[itsgone2]

No. I am literally happy about nothing. All day just devastatingly sad.
Before this, completely opposite.
And yes hate myself completely.