Discussion Do you get jealous when somebody else dies?

[Centerism]

Hi all,

I Just want you all to know how wonderful you are. You brighten my day by simply being you. Thank you all and special thanks to SS.

I currently have found peace in my life. I stay around here simply because I know my intentions are to help myself out of a tortured existence.

There's purpose in this world, I find mine in lending a helping hand to those in need. I spend most of my days experiencing psychedelic journeys. I find the psychedelic mind to be a place of tranquility. I'm a psychonaut by definition, and I find this to be where I find the most beauty in life.

I'm a wiccan, and I believe with all my heart in a peaceful afterlife. Regardless of how you pass, or have lived. Plus I know there's another life to be had after this one. So I'm not afraid of death. Honestly, I fear my next life. Because it's said the pain you have from previous existences will follow you until you learn to reconcile it. I know, I can beat this. I'm proving it to myself daily.

Ok on to the topic.

I find myself mourning those I know who have passed, voluntarily or involuntarily. I also feel happiness knowing that some of my friends and family have passed to ease the pain they might be going through.

I lost a really close friend of mine to suicide about a year ago. She was my rock. I always knew she was suicidal, I just didn't want to accept it since she was so close to me. I honestly couldn't think of living without a friend like her. All I have left now is the suicide note she left me and a couple voicemails she left me the night she passed.

Here's the catch. I do mourn these people. I will never forget them. No matter what I might be going through I can always think back to my friends who are peacefully resting and smile, knowing they are no longer in pain.

I find myself in a state of shock most times when I first hear of the tragedy. Soon that shock lifts and I find myself jealous...

I mean really jealous. I think, "wow, I bet it feels great not having to fight anymore." I cannot shake that feeling for the life of me.

I know I'm not currently suicidal, but I am aware that I will take my own life before I get to sick to cope. I do not want to die in a hospital bed. I will go on my own terms. I sit back and think to myself, how can it be fair that I've tried 7 times now and failed. How can it be that others just accidental "run" into death?

I dunno, maybe it's just me, but I get jealous when someone passes. It truly touches me in the heart. I know I'll be there one day. For now though I am content to live this life to help others in any way I can.

I Love y'all, hope your days are going great. We all deserve to smile once in a while. Keep your heads up, reach for the stars knowing one day you'll be amongst them.

 

[Astral316]

I believe with all my heart in a peaceful afterlife. Regardless of how you pass, or have lived.

I fear my next life. Because it's said the pain you have from previous existences will follow you until you learn to reconcile it.

Your beliefs regarding the afterlife contradict eachother.

Jealous sounds dirty... I prefer envious.

 

[Centerism]

I know I contradicted myself in that statement. I still stand by it though. I don't fear death, and I don't fear the afterlife. I just don't want it to be true that I carry this pain with me wherever I end up. That you me is scary. I know I can overcome it though. Just like all of you, I have strength, I have courage. I will prevail. In this life or the next, I will come out on top.

I get the envious bit. Maybe it is envy, instead of jealousy.

It's a nice way to think.

 

[Haku]

Cool, you are Wiccan, I have a friend who is Wiccan, and I almost became one myself, but I was told that you always had to have a positive mindset to be Wiccan, and me being in really deep depression, I am always morbid and always in a negative mindset, so i ended up not pursuing it anymore. But to answer your question about jealousy when someone dies, I would say I'm partially jealous. This is my perspective of it, since last year up till present time, alot of people have been dying, weather it be people I know, people I've heard of, or just a random person that I do not know or have never heard of. When I hear someone has died, and hear that they loved life and had a family, I always think to myself, why does a person who had everything they wanted in life or are married and have children get to die? I have nothing to live for, and I'm still breathing, and it frustrates me to no end, knowing that I'm stuck in hell in earth, while those that dont deserve to die end up dying, so even though I'm partially sad for them, I'm more upset at the fact that they got to die and I didn't, and in their last moments, I bet they thought the same, why do I have to die when I have a good life, and those that do not get to live? I maybe wrong, but that's how i see it. In October 2018, 1 year ago, I had a cousin that died from diabetes in a medical prison facility, and we were not that close him and I, but I did take his death harder than everyone else I heard died, but not in the way that was probably expected from me. I was more upset for the same reason I was upset about people I didnt know dying. He had a son, and even though he was a convict and had 3 years left in prison, I still think he didnt deserve to die, for the fact that he has a son, so then too did I keep repeating to myself, why the hell did he have to die when he has 1 main reason to live for and that's his son? And me, I have no kids, his death should have been mine, after that, I just got worse with depression, became a hermit for a little over a year, and was researching not stop to find painless methods to ctb. So going back to your question, I guess I can say that I was/am jealous of other people dying..... sorry for the long story

 

[dmsdnd18]

Man, ive been having this thought for the past year or so now. I read the news every night but only look for articles where someone dies. Whether its a car accident, some random health issue, a shooting or stabbing, suicide, or anything really, i get envious and think damn why couldnt that have been me. Why cant i be in the wrong place at the wrong time and switch spots with someone who probably wanted to live

 

[Centerism]

Man, ive been having this thought for the past year or so now. I read the news every night but only look for articles where someone dies. Whether its a car accident, some random health issue, a shooting or stabbing, suicide, or anything really, i get envious and think damn why couldnt that have been me. Why cant i be in the wrong place at the wrong time and switch spots with someone who probably wanted to live

I've thought like this for as far back as I can remember. I mean I've watched a couple people livestream their own suicides. Of course it was hard to watch, of course it leaves a mark on your soul, but it was eerily peaceful. Almost tranquil, to see someone leave their mortal possession and continue into the Summerland.

I don't like gore. I mean I may be gothic. My artwork may be a bit macabre. When it comes to human pain one even torture, I become a child hiding from an evil clown.

So I get it. I don't exactly browse news for death blogs. I simply find myself asking why have so many good people died with little or no remorse when I am stuck here...
Literally "stuck" where so many have tried so desperately to become that statistic. I've ended up torturing myself simply because I can't seem to get things right. Hey, maybe next year?

Much love for your comment. Love you always,
Centerism

 

[Return2Dust]

I know I contradicted myself in that statement. I still stand by it though. I don't fear death, and I don't fear the afterlife. I just don't want it to be true that I carry this pain with me wherever I end up. That you me is scary. I know I can overcome it though. Just like all of you, I have strength, I have courage. I will prevail. In this life or the next, I will come out on top.

I get the envious bit. Maybe it is envy, instead of jealousy.

It's a nice way to think.

I can relate to what you said about not fearing death and not fearing the afterlife - it's just the lessons you have to take with you and continue learning until you get it. I feel like people who die by accident, old age and illness get to wipe the slate clean. That's where my envy comes from. Why can't I be the accidental death, so my slate gets wiped clean.

 

[Jean4]

I mourn people who die on this forum for a selfish reason. All of you are the only people who know I exist. I have no friends or family. I never leave my apartment or even get dressed anymore.

You are all my family.While I am happy people here are at peace, I am sad that I lost one of the few people in my life.

 

[Centerism]

I can relate to what you said about not fearing death and not fearing the afterlife - it's just the lessons you have to take with you and continue learning until you get it. I feel like people who die by accident, old age and illness get to wipe the slate clean. That's where my envy comes from. Why can't I be the accidental death, so my slate gets wiped clean.

That's almost perfectly how I think. U

I mourn people who die on this forum for a selfish reason. All of you are the only people who know I exist. I have no friends or family. I never leave my apartment or even get dressed anymore.

You are all my family.While I am happy people here are at peace, I am sad that I lost one of the few people in my life.

It's hard to lose somebody. Especially in the case that we lose a friend who we've become comfortable and honest with. Its hard for people in our shoes to accept a friend who we can be open with. When we find that type of relationship and lose it, it's especially traumatic. So I think we all understand how important this forum is. We have found a place where we can be open, honest. That's wonderful. It helps us accept that we're not alone, even if it is our last days.

 

[Sans]

I get jealous of all the others that get some sort of memorial or get sympathy after death because I know I won't get that. If I end up forgotten, I want to be forgotten. I don't want to be remembered as a failure, I want no trace of me left behind. I want the world to go on as if my life never happened.

 

[Kodama]

I'm more envious of guys passing away during their sleep... I'm dreaming of that kind of death :)
For those who CTB, i'm sad and happy for them at the same level

 

[Rachel74]

I don't unless they were in so much pain mentally or physically that death was a release for them.
I've made friends here and I'd be upset when they go.

 

[Avery Jordan]

I don't get jelous, but I do sometimes have a longing for peace in the afterlife which I believe I will one day attain.

 

[Hadenuf]

Yes I need to go

 

[Centerism]

I think we all have the absolute urge to peacefully transfer to the next life. Seeing our friends leave use behind can be painful. Though we still know that since they were in so much pain it was an act of mercy, love. We need to be happy that pain eventually ends, but we need to be sad knowing that pain originally existed. When I say I'm jealous, I really mean I am envious. I concur with some of you stating that you wish for a peaceful, loving death. I wish that for all of us. In this ending though we need to know we find absolution. That is the goal.

 

[SinisterKid]

Nope, not in the slightest. Death as far as any of us are aware, is very final, I dont see why or how I could be envious of that. People want to leave this life for so many different reasons and if they find a peace they never managed to find in life, I am happy for them as it means their suffering is over.

I will leave this life how and when I choose to do so. But I am always slightly saddened by anyone from this place dying, even though the previous statement applies.

 

[BlueWidow]

I definitely feel envious. There are people all around me who have various illnesses that could be fatal, including one person I know who has an aneurysm in her brain. At any moment that aneurysm could burst and she would die. She is scared half to death by it, but I envy her being that close to death and knowing that it could come at any second. All the illnesses I have are debilitating, but not deadly. Depression, of course. I'm currently also going through menopause which is not much fun. My big problem is hypothyroidism. I was placed on the wrong thyroid medicine for 12 and a half years and I continued to get sicker and sicker and begged the doctors to change me to a natural thyroid drug and take me off the Synthroid. None of them would. As a result I got so sick in 2009 that I could not get out of bed, I was incredibly dizzy and couldn't walk around without holding onto things. I would sleep up to 22 hours a day and wake up exhausted, my sleep was not refreshing at all. My blood pressure and body temperature were both through the floor. All of my systems in my body were barely functioning. Yet with all of this, no doctor would believe that I was really sick and they all still refused to change my medicine. I had to go to alternative medical clinics and basically drain my entire savings account to get even a little bit of help. But the people at the alternative medical clinic couldn't do the one thing I really needed which was to give me a natural thyroid drug, like the Armour Thyroid that I'm on now. By the end of it I was going into what I can only describe as a mini coma every afternoon. It would take me hours to wake up and get out of bed from these so called comas. It wasn't until I finally found a doctor that would switch me to the Armour Thyroid and I begin feeling better that I found out that that's actually what happened. At the end before I got put on the Armour Thyroid, I just assumed I would lay down and go into one of these comas and not wake up someday. That's actually what happens. You go into something called a myxedema coma and you end up dying. I've also read that if you get into one of these comas, it's a catch 22 for the doctors because on one hand if they give you enough thyroid hormone to bring you out of the coma it will kill you, but if they don't bring you out of the coma that will also kill you. I don't know if that's true but that's what I read on the Internet. Since my husband died, I purposely quit taking my thyroid pills hoping to fall back into the state, and eventually end up in one of these comas. I'm sure I've probably come close to it, but my sister-in-law kept urging me to go to the doctor. I finally relented couple of months ago and decided to go just to get her off my back. I'm hoping that now I can go back to not taking the meds again so that I can get back into the state where I hopefully can go into this coma. However, I'm also planning on doing SN. I'm not relying on the coma because it could take forever for me to get back into a state where I go into a coma and they can't do anything for me. I don't really wanna wait that long.

Even though I know it's horribly painful, I pray every day that I get cancer or a brain tumor or anything that would be fatal. My opinion is that I'm already in pain. I might as well be getting the benefit of the fatality part of it too.

 

[Centerism]

Nope, not in the slightest. Death as far as any of us are aware, is very final, I dont see why or how I could be envious of that. People want to leave this life for so many different reasons and if they find a peace they never managed to find in life, I am happy for them as it means their suffering is over.

I will leave this life how and when I choose to do so. But I am always slightly saddened by anyone from this place dying, even though the previous statement applies.

It seems we all have the same idea. We've all made friends here and it becomes sad to see them go. I've made a few really good friends and I've lost all but one of them. It's saddening, it's depressing. It's important to know those feelings are human, they're mortal. Though we have the privilege to understand how death can become a sense of mercy.

The jealousy, envy, can be seen as a notion of angst. We all want the same thing, happiness. Even people who aren't depressed, or mentally disturbed. We all seek happiness. Look at the idea of fiorming a hobby. What's the purpose of a hobby? Simple, to bring one happiness. I'm a tattoo artist, when I tattoo somebody I feel good. I know somebody who collects tarantulas, he finds happiness in having such beautiful animals.

We strive to find something that provides relief. So being jealous of somebody peacefully leaving us is perfectly normal. We're tying to find that happiness, and to some of us, death is that happiness.

We all have a purpose, to live or die, it's all up to us. We know what will make is smile in the end. We will find that absolution.

 

[Centerism]

I definitely feel envious. There are people all around me who have various illnesses that could be fatal, including one person I know who has an aneurysm in her brain. At any moment that aneurysm could burst and she would die. She is scared half to death by it, but I envy her being that close to death and knowing that it could come at any second. All the illnesses I have are debilitating, but not deadly. Depression, of course. I'm currently also going through menopause which is not much fun. My big problem is hypothyroidism. I was placed on the wrong thyroid medicine for 12 and a half years and I continued to get sicker and sicker and begged the doctors to change me to a natural thyroid drug and take me off the Synthroid. None of them would. As a result I got so sick in 2009 that I could not get out of bed, I was incredibly dizzy and couldn't walk around without holding onto things. I would sleep up to 22 hours a day and wake up exhausted, my sleep was not refreshing at all. My blood pressure and body temperature were both through the floor. All of my systems in my body were barely functioning. Yet with all of this, no doctor would believe that I was really sick and they all still refused to change my medicine. I had to go to alternative medical clinics and basically drain my entire savings account to get even a little bit of help. But the people at the alternative medical clinic couldn't do the one thing I really needed which was to give me a natural thyroid drug, like the Armour Thyroid that I'm on now. By the end of it I was going into what I can only describe as a mini coma every afternoon. It would take me hours to wake up and get out of bed from these so called comas. It wasn't until I finally found a doctor that would switch me to the Armour Thyroid and I begin feeling better that I found out that that's actually what happened. At the end before I got put on the Armour Thyroid, I just assumed I would lay down and go into one of these comas and not wake up someday. That's actually what happens. You go into something called a myxedema coma and you end up dying. I've also read that if you get into one of these comas, it's a catch 22 for the doctors because on one hand if they give you enough thyroid hormone to bring you out of the coma it will kill you, but if they don't bring you out of the coma that will also kill you. I don't know if that's true but that's what I read on the Internet. Since my husband died, I purposely quit taking my thyroid pills hoping to fall back into the state, and eventually end up in one of these comas. I'm sure I've probably come close to it, but my sister-in-law kept urging me to go to the doctor. I finally relented couple of months ago and decided to go just to get her off my back. I'm hoping that now I can go back to not taking the meds again so that I can get back into the state where I hopefully can go into this coma. However, I'm also planning on doing SN. I'm not relying on the coma because it could take forever for me to get back into a state where I go into a coma and they can't do anything for me. I don't really wanna wait that long.

Even though I know it's horribly painful, I pray every day that I get cancer or a brain tumor or anything that would be fatal. My opinion is that I'm already in pain. I might as well be getting the benefit of the fatality part of it too.

Your plea hits deep in my heart. Just know you are loved, I love you. I understand you. I know the pain is real. I have a terminal illness. That's not why I want to ctb, but it's one of the reasons I know I will go at my own hands, not by the way of a hospital bed. That, trust me, will not happen.

There was a thread not to long ago that centered around doing things that could get you killed intentionally. Like not wearing a seat belt and speeding, or not looking both ways before crossing the street, etc.

I think it's perfectly healthy for us to want absolution. No matter how we go about achieving it, we deserve to find it.

You're crying inside, and that's beautiful. You've learned that your soul craves something which you can achieve. And I stand here holding your hand to lead you through the darkest of forests.

I Hope you find happiness. You seem like you deserve a smile.

 

[BlueWidow]

Your plea hits deep in my heart. Just know you are loved, I love you. I understand you. I know the pain is real. I have a terminal illness. That's not why I want to ctb, but it's one of the reasons I know I will go at my own hands, not by the way of a hospital bed. That, trust me, will not happen.

There was a thread not to long ago that centered around doing things that could get you killed intentionally. Like not wearing a seat belt and speeding, or not looking both ways before crossing the street, etc.

I think it's perfectly healthy for us to want absolution. No matter how we go about achieving it, we deserve to find it.

You're crying inside, and that's beautiful. You've learned that your soul craves something which you can achieve. And I stand here holding your hand to lead you through the darkest of forests.

I Hope you find happiness. You seem like you deserve a smile.

Thank you for your kind reply. I hope we all find peace on our own time frame. I agree with you that it would be horrible to die at a hospital. I would much rather die at home alone.
You seem like a very compassionate person.
I'm sending that smile and a hug right back to you.
I often wish we had the ability to take an illness, particularly a fatal illness from a child or another person who either doesn't want to die and/or has every reason to live and trade places with them. I would gladly take the cancer or some other horrible illness from a child or anyone really, if it meant that I could die in that person's place, so they could continue being with their family and possibly living a happy life. It doesn't seem fair that most of us don't get to choose when we die. My husband didn't want to die. He fought like crazy to continue living because he didn't want to leave me or his family and I think he enjoyed his life and didn't want it to end. He was forced into hospice against his will and I didn't have any ability to stop it. I hope no one ever has to go through what I've been through having to watch people around you suffer and die, while you have to continue living even though you don't want to be here. I've done that for pretty much my entire life. I sometimes feel like God or whatever entity it is that's controlling things seems to delight in torturing me.
It doesn't seem fair or right to me that people who have wonderful lives and loving families are dying all around me, while I have no family left and don't want to be here, yet I'm forced to continue living against my will. There's no rhyme or reason to it. It makes no sense.

 

[shakybacon]

Yes, I have had many failed attempts that I'm jealous when it goes right for someone else and they can ctb.
Yes, I have had many failed attempts that I'm jealous when it goes right for someone else and they can ctb.

 

[ManWithNoName]

I agree that jealousy is too strong and I would set my sentiment to envy. But that's life. Some have the luck of enjoying life while young and being fortunate to die young. One example I cite is the late American actor James Dean. One could argue that he died too soon, but nonetheless he died young, never had to grow old and get afflicted with diseases and health issues associated with ageing - as well he never experienced one's energy drop and looks fade, and never had to look to the past in an effort to feel some kind of momentous, faux-happiness.

 

[ManWithNoName]

I agree that jealousy is too strong and I would set my sentiment to envy. But that's life. Some have the luck of enjoying life while young and being fortunate to die young. One example I cite is the late American actor James Dean. One could argue that he died too soon, but nonetheless he died young, never had to grow old and get afflicted with diseases and health issues associated with ageing - as well he never experienced one's energy drop and looks fade, and never had to look to the past in an effort to feel some kind of momentous, faux-happiness.

Just a follow-up to my previous post (quoted) this video comes to my mind, part of the lyrics read "Oh yeah life goes on, long after the thrill of living goes on."

 

[bigj75]

yae wish it was me who died all the time.

 

[hadenough]

I always wish it was me who died rather than someone else. Most people have a life they like and when they die I feel sad and wish that I could have taken their place. There seems to be no justice in this world with me wishing to die and those wishing to live dying. If only I could take their place, they have things to live for while I have nothing.

 

[wanttodie]

me to I always wish it was me who died rather than someone else

 

[Centerism]

I always wish it was me who died rather than someone else. Most people have a life they like and when they die I feel sad and wish that I could have taken their place. There seems to be no justice in this world with me wishing to die and those wishing to live dying. If only I could take their place, they have things to live for while I have nothing.

You have something to live for. Trust me when I say we're all here to serve a purpose. Not like the protestant view of pre-ordained destiny, but in a way that shows us even in our worst pain we can show somebody else thats going through the pain that it's not worth it to try and stick it out...

Pain shadows the reality of truth and light. So why is it that we cannot lift that veil of darkness for just one second to breathe...

We're all interconnected, the same, but different in all our ways.

It's sad that that we are all here. Though it's still a happy/peaceful environment.

You are all worth something. I am worth something. This world, although cruel, is accepting of us and our pain.

 

[ManWithNoName]

You have something to live for. Trust me when I say we're all here to serve a purpose. Not like the protestant view of pre-ordained destiny, but in a way that shows us even in our worst pain we can show somebody else thats going through the pain that it's not worth it to try and stick it out...

Pain shadows the reality of truth and light. So why is it that we cannot lift that veil of darkness for just one second to breathe...

We're all interconnected, the same, but different in all our ways.

It's sad that that we are all here. Though it's still a happy/peaceful environment.

You are all worth something. I am worth something. This world, although cruel, is accepting of us and our pain.

With all due respect your response comes across as one of those generic, flowery new age rhetorical general anecdotes. I'm not saying your assertion should be dismissed, but the adversity that I have noticed that members have confided here shows that their suffering is far more complicated than can be solved via a single happy answer.

 

[bigj75]

I get jealous when it's a accident. like I try hard to ctb and then somebody who wasn't even wanting to die gets killed.

 

[pleasethistime]

Very