Discussion Do you find yourself constantly thinking about the past and how things could've been different?

[AwakeTooLong]

I honestly believe I'm at this stage of my life where CTB is my only realistic way out of this mess I've created because of some gravely poor decisions I made in my life long ago.

I can't stop thinking about those choices I made that led me to here because had I done things differently, I wouldn't have been in my current situation and ultimately, wouldn't have become depressed to such an extent where it cripples my day-to-day functioning and drowns me in hopelessness.

Anyone else in the same boat?

 

[destinationlosangel]

Yes absolutely. Everyday. I feel ur pain mate.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Almost every moment of every day. It's gotten to the point where my constantly thinking about the past involves me thinking about moments where I thought of the past and wasted so much time as a result.

 

[astr4]

yes all the time ha i'm mourning the person i could have been

 

[Demi-Fiend]

Yeah, it's fucking insufferable right now. It's impossible to change past life events, so why am I still latched into it? Oh yeah, I've wished death on myself repeatedly in the past and self-sabotaged the fuck out of myself. Now with almost approaching 30 in a few years, I regret wrecking the shit out of my meatsuit from the disdain I had for it.

I couldn't even force myself to stop ruminating about the past with my ex-fiancee when we split this year, shit made me descend like Icarus. I burned up and life circumstances crushed me from losing that sweet job and God awful insomnia.

I truthfully wish I never fell into carelessness and fucked my life up with substances. I feel like a cooked lobotomite these days.

 

[AwakeTooLong]

Almost every moment of every day. It's gotten to the point where my constantly thinking about the past involves me thinking about moments where I thought of the past and wasted so much time as a result.

It wasn't so bad for me before but now that my date is right around the corner, it is the only thing I find myself thinking about.

I even listen to an old music playlist from around that time of my life just to feel like I've been transported back and build myself fake scenarios of how things could've gone differently, haha.

 

[joyfulegirl999]

Oh my god yes! Everyday I am awake I feel I am reliving the trauma from my past and I contemplate everyday what I could've done differently. I sometimes contemplate if the only was out is to CTB.

 

[pandorasactor]

All the tine. I excessively day dream about how my life could've turned out if I did X or I did Y. People on social media think excessive day dreaming is quirky or strange, but it's the only place where I feel like in not a failure or wasted potential.

 

[11April]

Exactly the same. I think about it all the time.

The past is an amazing place.
It's the only place where I can feel better.
But at the same time, it's the place that brings a lot of pain.

 

[Ineedthis18743]

I honestly believe I'm at this stage of my life where CTB is my only realistic way out of this mess I've created because of some gravely poor decisions I made in my life long ago.

I can't stop thinking about those choices I made that led me to here because had I done things differently, I wouldn't have been in my current situation and ultimately, wouldn't have become depressed to such an extent where it cripples my day-to-day functioning and drowns me in hopelessness.

Anyone else in the same boat?

You take the words right out of my mouth and I wish I'd had a better childhood. Better parents. A better situation that prepared me better. That gave me better coping mechanisms. A better start in life. I'm not talking money. I mean better support. I would like to have the same life but change the way I've coped with the shit in my life. Be a better person. Coped with things better. Be better equipped for life

 

[soledad.virgen]

yes, ive made so many poor decisions that have permanently worsened my life. i can't help but dwell on it everyday. i know that i should just look past them and move on, and i really do try to make the best out of what i have, but the regrets, guilt, pain, grief, and what-ifs are so overwhelming. ive accepted that i need to go out on my terms.

 

[alienfreak]

You take the words right out of my mouth and I wish I'd had a better childhood. Better parents. A better situation that prepared me better. That gave me better coping mechanisms. A better start in life. I'm not talking money. I mean better support. I would like to have the same life but change the way I've coped with the shit in my life. Be a better person. Coped with things better. Be better equipped for life

Yeah, even if i just had parents that would have taken me to the doctor or dentist once in my childhood or teenage years it could easily have changed everything. Can't imagine what could have been if i had parents that put thought toward my personal development and actively tried to help me become an independent person instead of leaving me in front of screens. If only i had been able to form one meaningful connection with someone in those years.

Or if a few months ago i had just said some different things in a conversation, or if some stressful events didnt happen to occur at the same time back then so i could have thought more clearly.

Everything i experience is the result of chaos and could have all been changed so easily. I dont feel like i made choices that mattered: i had no idea what i was doing, like it was a 5d chess game with thousands of other players

 

[Ineedthis18743]

Yeah, even if i just had parents that would have taken me to the doctor or dentist once in my childhood or teenage years it could easily have changed everything. Can't imagine what could have been if i had parents that put thought toward my personal development and actively tried to help me become an independent person instead of leaving me in front of screens. If only i had been able to form one meaningful connection with someone in those years.

Or if a few months ago i had just said some different things in a conversation, or if some stressful events didnt happen to occur at the same time back then so i could have thought more clearly.

Everything i experience is the result of chaos and could have all been changed so easily. I dont feel like i made choices that mattered: i had no idea what i was doing, like it was a 5d chess game with thousands of other players

I hear that and I think part of my problem growing up also was because I had such a shit childhood the first time I thought about suicide was age 9 and then through my whole teenage years it only got worse and I kept thinking about suicide. I never really thought about the future. I didn't care cause it was always in my mind I'm going to kill myself so then when I got into a better situations I'd not developed the way to handle them and maybe self sabotaged or just didn't understand. I just wasn't equipped for life.

 

[anopenwound]

Yeah. If only I never inserted myself in other people's lives. Things would be ok now.

 

[mythofsisyphus]

Totally, reminiscing on the past is simultaneously beautiful yet excruciatingly painful - the epitome of bittersweetness. Thinking back to who I was, what I had, the life I lived - it's like holding onto the last remaining shred of 'me'.

I know that doing this is all part of depression, and is only making things worse, stopping me from accepting where I'm at and moving forward.

But what if I don't want to accept where I'm at, what if it's just too painful and so far from where I want to be.

I know I'm my own worse enemy, but although the past is a painful reminder of how far I have fallen, of how much it has also gone wrong, it's also so full of beauty, hope, love and joy. I don't want to let that go.

 

[Natanael]

On several occasions yes, I have thought about how things could have been better, but to be honest I think the things that changed my life if they hadn't happened would have been so different that I can't even imagine what it would have been like.

I just fantasize that certain things would have turned out well and that somewhere else I am better off than I am right now.

 

[Kali_Yuga13]

Yes. I think about time travel a lot. Kind of pointless by most people's standards but it gives me something to hang onto.