21stcenturycamus
Member
- Sep 6, 2021
- 28
I have never posted here, however this past year got increasingly worse. I have been contemplating catching the bus for a long time, and had few failed attempts. I feel so much guilt for being this way, this is why I wanted to tell my story here.
I have a loving but a very unhappy family. Everyone in my life adores me, they care about me. I have friends that care about me. My family gave me everything I asked for; I studied abroad and got into the 'best' school in my field for masters in Paris. I don't have financial problems, I have people that are interested in me… there should not be anything wrong with my life, I SHOULD BE HAPPY AND CONTENT. But I never am. I have always been this way, I had depression and anxiety since I was 10. I developed anorexia when I was 12 and did recover as much as I could. Yet I cannot get out of this cycle, I despise myself now. I feel spoiled and insatiable, I am a brat that just pushes away everything she has and everything I thought I wanted. I live with such a guilt that someone else should have been given the opportunities that I was given, because I am not worth it. I do not see any point living. No one understands why I don't want to stay in this world.
The first time I tried to off myself was January this year but I did not really know what I was doing and quite drunk. I made the mistake of telling my boyfriend of 3 years what I did, and stayed with him for 1 month or so where he helped me get back on my feet. I graduated from my bachelors and came back home to my family before I left for my masters. Everything should have been okay but it was not, I got worse and I am completely exhausted with life. I broke up with my boyfriend and he told me that I was a 'social work' he was not willing to do anymore. I loved him so very much, just this word however ripped my heart open. I know I am a burden for everyone that cares about me. I am so disappointed in myself. I feel like a huge failure. I couldn't even succeed in living, I am done with surviving.
When people ask why I am so hopeless, I tell them that the world is horrible. Am I not correct? When was the world a good place? In our conjuncture, we are looking at a destroyed planet that we cannot really save because the main polluters don't give a fuck. States are corrupt, we all live the same fucking life and its quality is defined by where you are born. You can escape like I do but then you realize there is actually no escape. We are surrounded by lies and deception. Evil people always win. I see no way of making a positive change and I find those who see the good to be deceiving themselves. I just don't want to lie to myself to live a mediocre life where I'd try to find love and trust and be left again, or work my whole life to buy things that shouldn't really matter. If I go the idealistic route, I waste my life again getting crazier about how to fix this fucking place. I cannot see myself enjoying life on this destroyed planet in 20 years nor I want to bring any children into this mess. I don't understand why people don't see it the way I do, I accept that I am sensitive but all I see and feel is pain. I am suffering. And I feel tremendous guilt because I did achieve all I wanted. Losing my boyfriend threw me into a loop where I tried and tried partial hanging yet I couldn't succeed. Now my guilt is enormous, I feel guilty towards everyone that needs a better life. On the other hand, I don't think I would ever be happy, I have been like this forever and I just don't want to go on knowing that the world sucks and I have no energy left to go on longer. I don't know what is wrong with me. What more do I need to feel peaceful with myself and my surroundings?
I have a loving but a very unhappy family. Everyone in my life adores me, they care about me. I have friends that care about me. My family gave me everything I asked for; I studied abroad and got into the 'best' school in my field for masters in Paris. I don't have financial problems, I have people that are interested in me… there should not be anything wrong with my life, I SHOULD BE HAPPY AND CONTENT. But I never am. I have always been this way, I had depression and anxiety since I was 10. I developed anorexia when I was 12 and did recover as much as I could. Yet I cannot get out of this cycle, I despise myself now. I feel spoiled and insatiable, I am a brat that just pushes away everything she has and everything I thought I wanted. I live with such a guilt that someone else should have been given the opportunities that I was given, because I am not worth it. I do not see any point living. No one understands why I don't want to stay in this world.
The first time I tried to off myself was January this year but I did not really know what I was doing and quite drunk. I made the mistake of telling my boyfriend of 3 years what I did, and stayed with him for 1 month or so where he helped me get back on my feet. I graduated from my bachelors and came back home to my family before I left for my masters. Everything should have been okay but it was not, I got worse and I am completely exhausted with life. I broke up with my boyfriend and he told me that I was a 'social work' he was not willing to do anymore. I loved him so very much, just this word however ripped my heart open. I know I am a burden for everyone that cares about me. I am so disappointed in myself. I feel like a huge failure. I couldn't even succeed in living, I am done with surviving.
When people ask why I am so hopeless, I tell them that the world is horrible. Am I not correct? When was the world a good place? In our conjuncture, we are looking at a destroyed planet that we cannot really save because the main polluters don't give a fuck. States are corrupt, we all live the same fucking life and its quality is defined by where you are born. You can escape like I do but then you realize there is actually no escape. We are surrounded by lies and deception. Evil people always win. I see no way of making a positive change and I find those who see the good to be deceiving themselves. I just don't want to lie to myself to live a mediocre life where I'd try to find love and trust and be left again, or work my whole life to buy things that shouldn't really matter. If I go the idealistic route, I waste my life again getting crazier about how to fix this fucking place. I cannot see myself enjoying life on this destroyed planet in 20 years nor I want to bring any children into this mess. I don't understand why people don't see it the way I do, I accept that I am sensitive but all I see and feel is pain. I am suffering. And I feel tremendous guilt because I did achieve all I wanted. Losing my boyfriend threw me into a loop where I tried and tried partial hanging yet I couldn't succeed. Now my guilt is enormous, I feel guilty towards everyone that needs a better life. On the other hand, I don't think I would ever be happy, I have been like this forever and I just don't want to go on knowing that the world sucks and I have no energy left to go on longer. I don't know what is wrong with me. What more do I need to feel peaceful with myself and my surroundings?