I guess i don't really bealive in love anymore ,even tho i get butterflies in my stomach for people i like ,it don't matter no more ,not like people gonna ever like me in any way :/ i usetoo have a boyfriend when i was in 12th grade ,he was my first and it ended up being horrible.. he was extremely mean towards me even tho he's special needs too ,he made up weird rules saying that if i spoke to a guy for more than 10 minutes then it's considered cheating he would cuss me and so on - he made me feel not a part of anything during the holidays since it's for Jewish and i guess im not . He kept calling me his Christian girlfriend when really i actually HAD NO religion and that's what i was thought that if i ever wanna convert to whatever then im more than welcome. Him and my daddy never got along well at all. I was left there in the middle while my ex is on the phone to me and my daddy shouting at him while i have the phone and my ex was like "what did he say what did he say ??" And school was no better either so my mental health went even more down.. from a quite person to really depressed and suicidal, that year was the worst.. that's when i was drawn in to killing myself ,i would try to choke myself with a bicycle helmet to putting bags on my head.. alot of times, i was also trying to cut myself with a plastic knife or a ruler ,first time was caught by my mammy an she said you stupid girl while i was left crying.. the next year i guess wasn't too bad.. my ex was gone and i had a really good friend from my class (we were only 5 ,and i was the only girl ) but eventually they took him away from me ,telling him and i quote "they said that if you keep being like that (i.e. depressed and whatever ) than i can't be around you" like are you for real ??? And not just that there's more but im not gonna write everything . Moving on the year after ,first year of my national service - the year where i really started to self harm real bad but not bad that i gotta go hospital ,mammy ended up finding out.. it was all over my thighs.. she was in shock. Later that day she asked me if i was doing it for attention.. it wasn't for attention at all :( but i think she eventually came around to understanding a bit more and such. The year after was my second year - that year i tried to ctb with pills and i do have to say that it was from that suicide faq that i got from ashes and so on. Failed anyway , panicked. I don't know why. It feels to me that everytime i like someone and they like me but not in that way i feel like i just break down eventually knowing that the person is going to leave. So yes ,I've lost hope in humanity too. I can't see why i should stay if all im going to do is waste people's valuable time :( and sorry for my long reply it oks if you don't want to read it too