I currently read David Foster Wallace's The depressed person. It is not as fitting to my story compared to let's say Good Old Neon. Though the person is described as having major mental heath problems. She is insular, self-absorbed and highly neurotic. And I can relate to these 3 traits.
The person has problems to build real deep connections to other humans. Due to the fact she was emotionally abused by her parents. I was emotionally and physically abused by my mom. My dad did not intervene.
Personally I don't have major issues with showing vulnerability. I can do that with therapists, this forum and my best friends. I am not sure why I am capable of doing it. So many people bullied or abused me in my life. I have met real friends when I was 15. The childhood is often decisive. Though I read the personallity is evolving often till the age of 25. So maybe my friends saved me. I don't know much about it so don't trust half-knowledge on the internet. There are probably ways to learn that. I think psychotherapy helped me to open up about my issues. But I know not everyone wants that.
Though I would not deny that I struggle to show vulnerability. There are some few issues I don't talk about also in this forum because I am scared to get hurt. With my best friends I can share them and I am thankful for that. I have some strategies how I can show vulnerability they are kind of weird and it is a defense mechanism in my brain. I am glad my brain evolved this way and not turned into extreme protection against everyone. When I show that I am more/very intelligent towards other people this makes it easier for me to share personal issues. It is kind of very pathetic but it gives me protection against other people who are just ignorant people. (like my dad)
Moreover I turn suicidal when people hurt me in such a way which feels empowering. People can humiliate me but I still have the option to ctb. It is kind of a relief. It is kind of very paradoxical and probably not healthy. But when people mock me in such vulnerable situations I can despise them because only despicable assholes and human trash bullies vulnerable suicidal people. These people are not worth to think about.
To the thing with empowering. It is really strange. I talked to many many psychology students. The clinics where I was had a deal with universities to seminars with students. I opened up in front of many many people. And there were two things that enabled me to open up. Showing them that I am determined to kill me if life humiliates me further and that I am very smart. (I often exaggerated my intelligence which is in itself kind of pathetic and feels like fraud). I did not 100% opened up and lied on some occasions but I was pretty transparent and reflective. I am good at being reflective which helped me with the fraud to pretend that I was exceptionally smart.
Not sure where to post first suicide discussion then off-topic back again to suicide discussion.
Oh I almost forgot one thing. In a state institution a fucking disgusting asshole humiliated me and my mom. He mocked me for low social skills and behaved in a disgusting way. I threatened to kill myself and he more or less encouraged me to do it. I vented about it often in this forum. But for me this is good example of human trash which is not worth to think about.
I don't really know why someone should be interested in my weird approach to this issue but it was interesting to elaborate and reflect on it. (Moreover it helped me with my fraud to pretend that I was very smart.)
The person has problems to build real deep connections to other humans. Due to the fact she was emotionally abused by her parents. I was emotionally and physically abused by my mom. My dad did not intervene.
Personally I don't have major issues with showing vulnerability. I can do that with therapists, this forum and my best friends. I am not sure why I am capable of doing it. So many people bullied or abused me in my life. I have met real friends when I was 15. The childhood is often decisive. Though I read the personallity is evolving often till the age of 25. So maybe my friends saved me. I don't know much about it so don't trust half-knowledge on the internet. There are probably ways to learn that. I think psychotherapy helped me to open up about my issues. But I know not everyone wants that.
Though I would not deny that I struggle to show vulnerability. There are some few issues I don't talk about also in this forum because I am scared to get hurt. With my best friends I can share them and I am thankful for that. I have some strategies how I can show vulnerability they are kind of weird and it is a defense mechanism in my brain. I am glad my brain evolved this way and not turned into extreme protection against everyone. When I show that I am more/very intelligent towards other people this makes it easier for me to share personal issues. It is kind of very pathetic but it gives me protection against other people who are just ignorant people. (like my dad)
Moreover I turn suicidal when people hurt me in such a way which feels empowering. People can humiliate me but I still have the option to ctb. It is kind of a relief. It is kind of very paradoxical and probably not healthy. But when people mock me in such vulnerable situations I can despise them because only despicable assholes and human trash bullies vulnerable suicidal people. These people are not worth to think about.
To the thing with empowering. It is really strange. I talked to many many psychology students. The clinics where I was had a deal with universities to seminars with students. I opened up in front of many many people. And there were two things that enabled me to open up. Showing them that I am determined to kill me if life humiliates me further and that I am very smart. (I often exaggerated my intelligence which is in itself kind of pathetic and feels like fraud). I did not 100% opened up and lied on some occasions but I was pretty transparent and reflective. I am good at being reflective which helped me with the fraud to pretend that I was exceptionally smart.
Not sure where to post first suicide discussion then off-topic back again to suicide discussion.
Oh I almost forgot one thing. In a state institution a fucking disgusting asshole humiliated me and my mom. He mocked me for low social skills and behaved in a disgusting way. I threatened to kill myself and he more or less encouraged me to do it. I vented about it often in this forum. But for me this is good example of human trash which is not worth to think about.
I don't really know why someone should be interested in my weird approach to this issue but it was interesting to elaborate and reflect on it. (
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