This thing happens to me where after I feel incredibly bad for a really long time, things kind of get switched around. My feelings get reversed. When I'm not feeling anxious, it feels wrong. Almost like anxiety is a good and normal state of being, and non anxiety is the bad place. Depression too. I don't trust it; it makes me uneasy. Feeling good feels bad, and I get strangely guilty for feeling okay. Like I should be feeling the other way, why am I not??? Also I stress, because I know it's just going to get bad again and I'm waiting for it to happen.
Another thing that happens to me is when I start feeling suicidal and depressed, I kind of don't want to feel better. I want to hurt myself, and if I'm feeling better I'm not going to hurt myself. So I do stupid things like go off my meds because I know it'll get me to that place, and when I'm in that place I don't want to start the meds again because I just want to get worse. But at the same time I don't want to get worse. I honestly want to feel better and I don't want to hurt myself and I don't want to feel all these bad horrible things.
All that's the sickness talking. Those bad feelings are not real feelings. Depression kind of rewires your head a little bit and it's easier to feel bad than feel good. That's why it's such an awful illness. A lot of therapy it's just trying to make things connect the way they're supposed to again, and I think we're wired to be negative, so it's an extremely difficult or impossible battle.