Do you all also find it so surreal when thinking about committing suicide? Like you ask yourself is this all really happening right now?!

[Terrible_Life]

I find it absolutely unbelievable that I really made it this far that I prepared everything in secret and I wasn't caught (which is a miracle when you consider my bad luck I always have ….) that now i really want to die. I have so many reasons to die and I get constantly reminded why I want to die and also my mental health issues are so horrible now that every day is a horrible horrible horrible torture but still when I stay there and look at my anchor point I get such a strange feeling like wow here I am a person in his 20's planning to kill himself because he got so muvh suffering from this world and all that because of circumstances he couldn't influence. :( how sad how tragic how fucking evil……
Normally I would have continued living for the next 5 or 6 decades I might've seen so many cool things that would sound like science fiction now but in the future it might've been possible ….

 

[Exhausted546]

Yeah, especially when the moment arrives where you're supposed to do it and you're like "am I really doing this? Right here? Right now?"

 

[Terrible_Life]

Yeah, especially when the moment arrives where you're supposed to do it and you're like "am I really doing this? Right here? Right now?"

Yes absolutely then the si is very strong at this specific moment i guess there are many factors for this but i also think i have no choice i must force my liberation because now i am really in. A hurry unfortunately but this is my only mistake with all this suicide project that i waited too long that I waited for "the right moment " how stupid and now i am in a hurry and must do it …

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

It's definitely surreal. Not the future you expected when you were a kid.

 

[Terrible_Life]

It's definitely surreal. Not the future you expected when you were a kid.

Yes I never even thought about suicide 10 years ago I had 0 knowledge about the topic and I could have never imagined back then that at some point i will plan my suicide, i will research as much as possible about this topic etc ….

 

[Reishi]

When I was younger yeah but now no...

 

[FuneralCry]

No, for me non-existence is all I've ever hoped for, for me wanting death is the response to being burdened with something as torturous and cruel as existence that just causes all this dreadful suffering all for the sake of it, to me existence itself is the true problem and I just always find it an abomination to suffer in this existence.

To me existence will always be a terrible mistake and I find it torture every second to be conscious, for me non-existence would be the positive solution to find peace from the evil and torture of existing where there is no limit as to how much agony one can feel, to be tortured in this existence just to face the agony of old age would be the most terrible punishment to me. I see the existence of life as the most terrible devastating tragedy and the fact that humans choose to force this onto others causing all this suffering as a result is just horrific to me, all I want is to be gone, I just hope and wish to erase this existence like I never suffered at all.

 

[Exhausted546]

Yeah, especially when the moment arrives where you're supposed to do it and you're like "am I really doing this? Right here? Right now?"

It's crazy to me that I would have died 2 hours ago if the rope hadn't failed. At the same time it's pleasant that I had the courage to kick the chair.

 

[Terrible_Life]

It's crazy to me that I would have died 2 hours ago if the rope hadn't failed. At the same time it's pleasant that I had the courage to kick the chair.

What happened with your rope? Did you got unconscious? How did you feel while hanging fully, was it very painful?

 

[Exhausted546]

What happened with your rope? Did you got unconscious? How did you feel while hanging fully, was it very painful?

No, the set up was wrong. The rope tightened around my neck but I somehow hit the floor. It wasn't painful at all,it happens in under 1-2 seconds. I didn't have a rope burn either,I lubed the shit out of the noose

Honestly I might have been able to still do a partial hanging as the rope was still very tight around my neck. Instead of having an anchor object in the other side of the door I had tied the other end of the rope to the doorknob but when I opened the door to see what went wrong,the rope was untied.

I didn't know if I still had time home alone for a second attempt. (In retrospect I definitely had time, it's been 2h30 since my attempt.) But unless I'm certain I'll be home alone for at least 30 mins it's too risky to go for round 2. But I cut the rope to make it shorter and this time I'm attaching it to an anchor object on the other side of the door

 

[annxietty]

Honestly when I tried to kill myself (very bad attempt lmao but I thought what I was doing would kill me, I left a note, I was sure I would be dead) I didnt think about anything, it seemed like the logical thing to do, I dont know, just how you wake up and dress up to go to work, you dont ask yourself "what am I doing? Is this happening?" right? I was determined and it seemed natural... now, when I was fully convinced about trying a second time I did feel very weird, kinda how you describing it lol

 

[fadedghost]

no

 

[Terrible_Life]

Honestly when I tried to kill myself (very bad attempt lmao but I thought what I was doing would kill me, I left a note, I was sure I would be dead) I didnt think about anything, it seemed like the logical thing to do, I dont know, just how you wake up and dress up to go to work, you dont ask yourself "what am I doing? Is this happening?" right? I was determined and it seemed natural... now, when I was fully convinced about trying a second time I did feel very weird, kinda how you describing it lol

which method did you use in your attempt?
I am so sorry that you suffered so much that it led to that attempt:(

 

[Lilithium]

I feel like I've been desensitized to the thought so much that I don't really question it. I was a pretty depressed kid, and when I first had the thought it just seemed like a natural end to what I was feeling. I've never thought I'd be around for that long.

 

[BlockHammer]

Well i haven't buy any tools to CTB yet, it's still surprising that i devolope a suicide ideation, i always think that at worst, my life will be exhausting but still bearable. But this is too much to handle to the point that i start to think about CTB. Dam i gues they were right about life being unpredictable

 

[Oreki]

Even seeing others planning it feels so surreal

 

[Exhausted546]

Even seeing others planning it feels so surreal

Never planned it until I found this place but I definitely still would have done it. Just very wrongly. I had alot of methods in mind, alot of them were thrown out of window after reading the thread on what methods to not attempt

 

[FadingSnowFake]

Surreal, unreal, really don't know what is real sometimes. Sorry you feel this way, I wish somehow you could skip a few years to the next few decades, to experience some cool things that may become real.

 

[Terrible_Life]

I can't believe how damn complicated and difficult I made my suicide like wtf I see the hanging videos and they just do it they didn't plan anything they use a scarf and do full hanging and die yet here I am I planned absolutely everything and now what? Now the fucking wether will be very bad here therefore I can't ctb on my chosen date….is this a joke!? Gosh I wish I was never born or at least that there'd be a button we could press to die