aludnelac
wayward weirdo
- Sep 15, 2021
- 55
hey.. i guess i just figured this is the right kinda people to ask this sort of thing to, since maybe you "get" this a little more than others.. while i don't actually really leave my house anymore, i have had a habit of seeking out a lot of online friends or people to talk to whenever i start to feel a little lonely, but oftentimes shortly after meeting these people i feel overwhelmed and either ghost them or just gradually start replying to them less until we're almost strangers again.. i've done this even with people i genuinely enjoy the company of.. idk if this is something i'm doing to keep them away from me so i don't ever upset them one day either because of how i am or because i kill myself, or because it's just some strange issue i have where i'm no longer able to be close to others for too long.. it feels bad to know a lot of these people seem to have shown some kind of serious interest in me, and some of them have even wanted to help me as much as they could.. i would think that feels good, but for some reason it just makes me feel incredibly guilty, because there's nothing that can truly be done to help me at this point.. i'm too traumatized, miserable, broken, drained, and mentally ill to go back and ever feel safe or okay or even happy.. i keep trying to push against the forces of this world, but someone like me really wasn't meant for it, and it hurts to know that..
i guess i was just wondering if other people have this same kind of reaction where you inevitably just push yourself away from anyone who gets too close, and just continue to do this behavior chronically.. hurting them in the process, and continuing to just further isolate yourself.. idk, maybe i'm just a bad person or get overwhelmed too easily by the smallest of things..
i think i just really want something to feel right or okay again, and i always end up getting this intense anxiety that builds up and i run away.. i've managed to somehow keep 1 friend for a while at least tho, i think part of it is it just gets tiring talking about the same depressing things over and over when misery and suffering are kind of in the forefront of your mind, and you don't want to keep being a bother about it, and also keep reminding yourself, idk sorry for this pointless thread, figured it's okay on offtopic.. :s
i guess i was just wondering if other people have this same kind of reaction where you inevitably just push yourself away from anyone who gets too close, and just continue to do this behavior chronically.. hurting them in the process, and continuing to just further isolate yourself.. idk, maybe i'm just a bad person or get overwhelmed too easily by the smallest of things..
i think i just really want something to feel right or okay again, and i always end up getting this intense anxiety that builds up and i run away.. i've managed to somehow keep 1 friend for a while at least tho, i think part of it is it just gets tiring talking about the same depressing things over and over when misery and suffering are kind of in the forefront of your mind, and you don't want to keep being a bother about it, and also keep reminding yourself, idk sorry for this pointless thread, figured it's okay on offtopic.. :s